“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and realize that prisoner was you.” ~Lewis B. Smedes
Have you ever tried to forgive someone who hurt you, and despite your best efforts, it was just too hard? So you beat yourself up because you were not able to forgive, and the pain was still there?
I spent years trying to forgive others.
I tried to forgive a family member for abusing me as a child.
I tried to forgive my primary school teacher of seven years for constantly hammering that even though I was a straight-A student, I wasn’t allowed to be me, and I needed to change myself so I could be accepted and loved.
I tried to forgive those who indirectly made me understand that their lives would have been so much better if I hadn’t been there, or if I would have been a boy.
Although I had developed a strong resilience, which allowed me to build strength from these negative life experiences, they had left their mark, and I felt pain, resentment, and a feeling of injustice.
I had been taught that I should forgive others for everything they did to me. But I couldn’t get out of my head and back to my heart, and I couldn’t manage to forgive them.
I was still feeling stuck, trapped, and unable to let go, move forward, and honor my needs. I let the regrets of wasted time consume me.
I realized I was making everything so hard on myself because I felt guilty.
If these people had taken advantage of me in one form or another, somehow, to me, it meant that I did something wrong, that I was broken, that something was wrong with me, and that I didn’t deserve anything better.
I just clutched to my guilt so tightly.
And one day, I had a breakthrough.
I realized that I needed to offer forgiveness, not to others, but to myself.
I had no control over the decisions, thoughts, and actions of others, but I did have control over the blame I was placing on myself.
It was time to let go of the pain, heal old wounds, move forward, and finally nurture myself and honor my needs.
The first step I took on the path to self-forgiveness was to accept reality without blaming others.
I would have loved to change the past and rewrite my history, but that was not possible. So instead of accepting reality and moving forward, I was drowning myself in blame and resentment.
I couldn’t go on like that. I needed my life to move forward. I had created a lot of struggles and suffering for myself because I spent too much energy resisting the present moment.
I needed to accept the reality I’d been given. Once I did, I was finally able to release all of the anger, blame, and resentment that had been built up in my mind and body.
To me, accepting reality is a crucial step toward self-acceptance. And self-acceptance is one of the first steps toward self-forgiveness.
The second step for me was to stop blaming myself and feeling guilty.
Most of us have been raised in a culture that stresses dichotomous thinking—good or bad, young or old, guilty or not guilty…
And once we stop blaming others, we usually blame ourselves. It must be someone’s fault, right?
I blamed myself for letting this family member abuse me as a child.
I blamed myself for not being able to change myself so I could be accepted and loved.
I blamed myself for having made a financial mistake and not knowing how I would get out of debt.
Once I had reflected on my negative experiences and identified what exactly I was blaming myself for and what exactly I was feeling guilty about, I took the next step and declared I was no longer going to blame myself for all this.
This was extremely liberating.
I was now accepting reality without blaming anyone. I was one step away from being able to forgive myself, let go, and honor my needs.
The third step toward self-forgiveness was to love myself fully.
I knew if I wanted to let go of my past experiences, I had to work on loving myself.
I managed to increase my self-love and forgive myself by consistently doing three simple things every day of the week.
First, I started a gratitude journal, and at the end of each day, I wrote five different things I was grateful for. It helped me see my life and myself through a new, more compassionate lens.
Then, I kept a list of all nice things that people said to me. I was mindful of thank-yous and compliments, and instead of focusing on the people who didn’t seem to appreciate me, I focused on those who I knew did love me.
Eventually, I repeatedly said to myself, “I am valued, I am enough, I am not damaged or broken, and I love myself just the way I am.”
Once you start looking, you can find so many reasons to love yourself fully. And the more love you feel for yourself, the easier it becomes to forgive your past.
I was finally ready to forgive myself wholeheartedly…
I forgave myself for making mistakes.
I forgave myself for allowing negative energies into my life and letting those sit in my body for all these years.
I forgave myself for not being who others wanted me to be.
I forgave myself for allowing outside circumstances and people to dictate my self-worth.
I forgave myself for not trusting my inner wisdom to know better.
And most importantly, I forgave myself for carrying the weight of my guilt and self-blame.
Forgiving myself wholeheartedly was liberating. It allowed me to be compassionate, accept myself, and let go of painful memories.
Sure, I still doubt my worth sometimes, I still re-live some memories I wish I could just erase from my mind, and I still worry about not pleasing other people and being rejected. But I feel free, joyful, and whole.
By forgiving myself, I was finally able to honor many of my needs that I had ignored before, even if it’s still a work in progress in some areas.
I was able to honor my need to feel great in my skin and accept my body.
I was able to honor my need to be myself and be loved for who I am, not for what I do.
I was able to honor my need to let go and not feel like I had to be hyper-vigilant and in control all the time.
You can do this too.
If you’ve made financial mistakes, if you struggle with food, or if you feel resentment and anger toward other people in your life, take these three steps: stop blaming others, stop blaming yourself, and learn to love yourself fully.
Your life will never be the same.
Self-forgiveness will allow you to create more peaceful relationships going forward, it will boost your mood so you’ll no longer experience depressive feelings, and it will reduce stress in your life. You’ll feel better, and you’ll also be healthier.
To me, self-forgiveness is one of the most meaningful lessons life has to offer. And I am so grateful for those times of trial.
Don’t waste another day of your life.
Forgive yourself and live fully!
About Anne Ricci
Anne Ricci is a nutritionist who loves to cook and practices yoga and meditation on a daily basis.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Hi Anne
I really enjoyed reading this post, and it speaks to a problem that a lot of us struggle with to some degree. It is fascinating how much of what we think and feel is influenced by things outside of us, and at some point, we just adopt those beliefs and points of views as our own, as some sort of ‘fact.’
Your decision to just start being different is very simple yet profound, because even though that is all it takes to start shifting, it is not something people actually do.
Those exercises were great because it helped recondition your mind to see yourself and life in general in a whole new light…that repetition is an important component of changing our state of mind.
Great post!
Hi Kelli,
thanks for your great comment! I’m so glad you enjoyed the post.
I agree, the decision is everything but we all have so much resistance that it does take time and for many people it’s really hard.
And yes, practicing gratitude and other exercises really helps recondition our mind; I’m actually very passionate about this topic!
I’ve taken my gratitude exercise to a new level: I write down one single thing I’m grateful for and then I get specific and write down 5 reasons why I’m grateful for this. It really worked for me and I find it really powerful.
Hi Anne,
Funny how life works. I woke up this morning feeling that I finally need to address all my fears and thoughts that did not serve me any longer, and kept me from enjoying life. As usual with me, I asked for a sign.
I have been very adamant lately that I would not waste time on the computer and get my day started. So today ,when I put aside few moments to read through my e-mails the first e-mail was from Tiny Buddha, (I was going to delete it but I opened it instead!!!)) MY SIGN!!!!
I have been feeling guilty,
I have a hard time forgiving myself,
I was also molested as a 5 year old child by a family member,
I feel guilty about bringing people back into my life, especially family members, because you have to try harder and forgive with your family.
I feel guilty that I had such a bad experience in college, I never felt like I had a right to be there, to learn, to grow. I didn’t deserve to succeed.
I blame myself for harboring such guilt, and felt ashamed that it has manifested into my fluctuating weight.
I was blaming myself for portraying such a negative example for my daughter and sons.
I, too, will take the step and declare to myself that I will longer blame myself for all this. Nor will I blame anyone else.
Thank you for opening up my heart to love myself again.
Omgoodness, Anne, I had this same epiphany years ago – I need to forgive ME. It was so powerful. I believe our society pushes the kindness toward others (which is also very important), but it does not encourage self.kindness. Loving and forgiving ourSelves is not egoic or vane, it is wisdom. Great post, thanks for sharing your story!
Hi Shannon!
That’s exactly what I feel, too: being kind to others is rated a lot higher than being kind and compassionate with ourselves. I will pass this wisdom to my kids, it may save them years!
Thanks so much for your kind words.
Hi Greco-Roman,
thank you so much for sharing your personal story so openly; I am with you and I’m sending you plenty of positive vibes.
You’re so right about bringing back family; it’s hard. You don’t have to, either. When I forgave myself I also stopped feeling guilty about not really wanting to bring them back and I am now very peaceful about it.
You deserve success, a body you love, being a great mom, and everything else. And you are worth it! This is so important.
Sending you lots of love and support from my heart.
Anne
FANTASTIC POST! 🙂 I really appreciated reading this, and love the affirmations! Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom! Beautiful! 🙂
Thanks so much! I’m so glad you enjoyed it =)
Not able to forgive myself for a job decision I made
I had a great job however it was getting really stressful and was having health issues (changes in vision) with having a strong family of eye problems I made a decision to quit my job. Now I have a biggest regret. I know may be I should have been strong. I made the decision based on my rapid rise in astigmatism. I kind of got scared and I might loose my vision so I let go of the job.
I think you made a great decision. Your vision is so precious. I had a boss who was working a whole lot and one morning he woke up almost blind; there had been no warning signs… they could fix his eyes in the hospital but I guess it made him think. A few years later he quit his (highly paid) job to go live with his family.
I am sure you made the right decision and I wish you all the best.
THIS is a great post. I’m tucking it away to read again tonight. I have found that the hardest person to forgive is myself. And I’m finally learning not to feel guilty about taking care of myself – but it’s HARD! Especially if you have others around you that feel like you are leaving them in the dust or at least that they aren’t important just because I’m making myself a priority.
Thanks so much Carol for your kind words!
Guilt is a big issue and as long as you feel guilty it’s very hard to forgive yourself, this is true.There are always people around who will make you feel guilty and this doesn’t help. Making yourself a priority is a good idea though so keep it up!
Thank you for sharing, Anne. You are right about the need for self-forgiveness. I think many of us struggle with guilt even when we don’t realize it. We blame ourselves for so many things. But your words are liberating. They teach us that we can set ourselves free from guilt and breath again. And I am grateful to you for that.
Thanks Michael for your kind words. When you say we can breathe again, it’s a great metaphor that makes me think about my breathing exercises with yoga and meditation. These really help to connect with ourselves and feel at peace, too. Whenever a feeling of guilt is present, I have found that breathing a few times with the nose helps me deal with that feeling.
Thank you Ricci for sharing such a nice article. As a non-englsh speaking person, The ‘Dichotomi’ is the new word, I learnt. However, that tendency has always persisted with me.
There are just so many things I can never forgive myself or others for. Piled on top of that are decisions made back in 2000 that I still feel the effects of and society doesn’t forgive me for, nor do my so-called friends. I don’t even like myself, never have. So, I can’t imagine ever loving myself. I’ve done the gratitude jouurnal thing, been in years of therapy and yet these feelings are still there. I honestly believe that my relief won’t come until death. I think it’s just that way for some people. I’ve known people like that. They just can’t get peace on this earth.
Hi Terri, I hear you. We all have our own journey, that’s ok; don’t give up! If you’ve been in therapy, done your gratitude journal and other things, it means you have a deep desire to live a fulfilling life and to love yourself more. Our subconscious mind has a dark side that can unfortunately be very powerful, but this doesn’t have to be a permanent or never-ending state. Sending lots of love your way!
Hello. I am 20 years old and me and my girlfriend will have our 3rd year anniversary this feb. We are in a long distance relationship for 2 years but we meet each other for 1 month every after 10 months. The first year of our long distance relationship was rough she took me for granted and I desperately clung unto her. And I managed to get away from my desperation but we got back together. Then it was my time to go abroad, (we are at the same country but diffirebt states)this time I have changed I have managed to avoid my attention to her but I’m still aching so when I arrived I absolutely doesn’t know anyone I was so sad that I cheated on her but I didn’t like it I regret it si much because for me she’s the only one for me. I want to be with her the rest of my life. I learned what I had to learn. So we met I told her I cheated but didn’t go into details because I was so scared of her breaking up with me but I can’t hold it anymore she has to know the truth I told her everything ready to accept the worst possible punishment I will receive (breakup) but she didn’t break up with me. She told me to fix it but she changed she became cold to me but I can’t blame her. I still cannot forgive myself I find myself as a dirty person I cannot even eat or go out. Help
Hi Anne, self-forgiveness is a journey, and it can take time. It looks like you’re stuck at step 2 of my 3 steps above, so here is my advice: be gentle with yourself, work to eliminate your feelings of guilt and don’t blame yourself. Then you’ll be able to move forward. Wishing you all the best on this journey!
Hi. Im in a loving relationship, but from time to time i feel really really guilty for having feelings for someone else few months ago, when i was already 2-3 months in this relationship. And i believe its my fault for letting that person into my life so much and i just cant stop thinking how it would’ve been so great if i didnt go around flirting like that..Of course, I dont do that anymore, but still..I understand that i shouldnt be ashamed of my feelings, and that these feelings i had for him are mine and that i shouldnt apologize to anyone for being human, but i really hate this and really hope my heart will understand what my mind understands,soon. I find myself feeling guilty over so many things that others would consider tiny and not relevant, and im trying to learn how to stop being like that. But you gave some great advice, and im going to start practicing them today, and hopefully my guilt will go away soon. thank you!
Hi Katerine! Your feelings are fine; don’t feel guilty that you have these feelings. Most important are your actions; it’s easier to control our actions than our feelings. I’m so glad I could help you today with this article. Best, Anne
Hi, I suffer from depression and anxiety and I am going through some issues. My now ex and i have been best friends and one and off for 9yrs. Last year when we weren’t together I made the decision to move to the UK. I had the flights all booked for 5mths later but during those 5mths we got back together. I ended up having to have urgent surgery and canceling all my flights for recovery and during this extended time I moved in with him to save money. During my recovery he kept asking when i was rebooking my flights and i always said i dunno, maybe end of the month. I was putting off booking the flights but I’m not sure why – maybe I was expecting something else to come up. he started pulling away and we broke up and i know it was because I was leaving. After chatting he said that the main reason is that I never actually spoke to him about me going and he couldnt handle not knowing how long we’ll have left. I never once asked him to come, offered to wait or included him in the decision. Now the guilt I have is killing me. As he put it ‘how could I move away from someone I care so much about?’ I asked why he didn’t bring it up and he said he tried. I honestly never thought about it and after our talked i begged for him to take me back, and said I can wait for him but now he won’t have a bar of it. He’s checked out and I am dying inside. How could I be so inconsiderate!
Hi. I’m currently going thru the worst feelings I’ve ever had. In the last year I moved out my mom’s house, got a big promotion, and got my heart broken but got back with this person. I struggle to trust this person…I get mad at myself for being weak and taking this person back. I feel like I cant trust this person and if they break my heart aggain..it’s all my fault. I feel so guilty already at the idea and I almost obsess over the idea of her cheating… so any time something occurs out of the ordinary..I go off….but then I’m wrong and immediately I have a feeling of extreme guilt. But I still can’t shake the feeling so I constantly feel guilty.
Thank you, Anne, for sharing your personal experience about forgiveness. Your post has nothing but pure honesty.
I had to forgive my ex-best friend for disrespecting me. It wasn’t my fault that his girlfriend was insecure, and saw me as a threat, even though I did respect his boundaries. Since she had a huge problem with my presence, she could have spoken to me like an adult, and tell me in my face that she wasn’t fond of the friendship. I don’t respect her as a woman, because she was lacking maturity.
My ex-best friend was lacking maturity as well. Instead of calling me horrible names, he could have spoken to me in a calm and adult matter, so he can get my side of the story. I assumed that he was enjoying two women fighting over him, and it’s obvious that he doesn’t know how to be a friend. He was too busy taking sides.
I know that I’ll never get an apology from him in this lifetime, but it’s okay. I accepted the harsh reality of friendship not being able to recover. I refuse to accept responsibility for something that I didn’t do, and there’s no point on me apologizing for someone else’s actions. It’s been seven months. I’m doing just fine without my ex-best friend in my life.
Thank you for sharing this.
I’m currently still have my problem with friends, I’m 22 and I’m still facing this and I’m embarrassed that I can’t handle it on my own. We have a team and I’m stuck with them for 2years. I did nothing to them, talk bad or criticized them. Just behave good and listen to orders. Nothing at all, this group. . All of them is Chinese and I’m not, I think it’s natural to speak that in a group but they totally disown me and threw me one side. And talk bad abt me. One person always talk bad never say why. and I’m always there helping not saying a word to those hurtful comments. Avoiding trouble and know what is right to do.
I’m stuck with them for 2 years and I hate it, it does nothing good to me nothing nor it improve me or the relationship I have with them or build me to be a better person . I feel guilty whenever they talk bad abt me behind me and to him it’s nothing. What should I do? Why do I keep quite and avoid all those things and he keep badminton me? I need help….