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How do i move on from this? (problem in family)

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  • #68802
    regina
    Participant

    okay idk if this is the right forum for this but here goes

    ever since i had my first child my relationship with my sil has been hell.

    before i had ava (my daughter) we got a long great. there were never any issues. We were good friends even.

    the second i had my child (she had one just 3 months later) everything changed. i mean complete 180.

    First of all, she brags to me constantly. Let me first tell you that a year ago she called my husband (her brother) a scumbag because he works in a warehouse and we live in an apartment. (And yet she spends and spends and spends all her husbands money and they live in a half double.)

    Whatever. Anyways every day she would rub it in my face how much better they’re doing, and all the things they have. I mean like hey look what I have bet you guys can’t afford it type of stuff. Just a few months before things blew up I would talk to her about things I would like to get or do for ava and the next day she would get or do it for her kids and let me know.

    She constantly rubs it in my face how much better of a mom she thinks she is than me. If I don’t breastfeed or cloth diaper or feed my children everything organic under the sun than I’m a crappy mother according to her.

    She lies all the time about childish things. Little things. Big things. Everything. She once told me she went to harvard, I asked my husband, he said she never even went to school.

    Another thing is that we invite them to every family event we have. And every single time she makes some lame excuse as to why she can’t be there. (After having a convo one day with their father, he even told me that they’re just excuses and that she just doesn’t wanna go beause that’s just how she is.)

    Its so frustrating. But I ignored it. I ignored it all and bit my tongue because I don’t like problems within the family. I don’t like conflicts I don’t like I drama if ever there’s an issue I like to solve it right away but it is impossible with her.

    Well one day I finally had it. I was planning my daughters bday several months in advance and of course I invited her.

    I told her 4 months in advance when the party would be. Well she texts me one day saying “I can’t go. I can’t get off work. I guess I just wasn’t meant to be there. We can’t work with the way you guys do things. The constant plan changes and last minute planning doesn’t work in our favor. And I am so sick of never seeing my niece.” (We invite her over, invite her to parties, ask to hang out. Never wants to come so that’s bs.) So, after nearly a year of taking her shit, I was fed up. I told her how I really felt and I called her out on her lies.

    Naturally, this led to a huge argument. Her mainly trying to make me look like the bad guy and her look like the innocent one. When I started listing all her lies and bull, she started to act nice. She even said “I can see I’ve really upset you. I didn’t mean to. Let’s talk again another day.” And that was that, a week later she texted me as if nothing ever happened, bragging about some place they were going next weekend.

    Ever since then we haven’t spoken directly. But she still makes a point to makes jabs constantly. On instagram, on pinterest, on facebook. I even found out a week after my daughters party that she lied saying she had work and went somewhere else instead with her family.

    My husbands father has told me that she is exactly like her mother. She lies and cheats and if someone stands up to her, she makes them seem like they’re the horrible ones and she didn’t do anything to deserve the treatment, that she’s nasically a saint. she tells everyone and their mother who ever knew the person how much of a piece of shit they are and makes herself look like the innocent one. 90% of her own family doesn’t speak with her anymore because of this. She’s shut them all out when they called her out on her bs and now she goes around talking about them and turning everyone on each other.

    I usually bite my tongue because I don’t want to talk badly to my husband about any of his family members. But I recently I just can’t take it anymore. My husband even agrees and doesn’t want someone like her in our daughters life but he doesn’t even given it a second glance.

    I’m so sick of her making me look and feel like a piece of crap, one upping me, lying to me, being manipulative and ruining things.

    I told my husband you know what I’m just gonna unfollow her and delete her from everything and ignore it from here on out. I don’t know why I didn’t do it earlier. He told me if I did it would just start something else and she would never let me live it down and to just ignore it completely like he does.

    So what do I do?! I’m so sick of this. Its childish and I don’t want someone or something like this in my life or my daughters. But its never ending. She doesn’t let up. She won’t leave me alone, she’s obsessed.

    How do I get away from it without starting something else? What do I do? It angers me so much everything she does. I want it to stop.

    #68835
    Vhanon
    Participant

    Hi Regina,

    The easiest thing to do is to reply “Yes, you are right” to whatever she says, and try to think about something else. For example, do not focus on her words, focus on the tone of voice and try to imgine a little child that begs for attention. She wants to play with her favourite toy: you, if you stay still like a robot long enough, that game will eventually be no longer fun. Use always the same set of answers “Oh sorry I forgot”, “Oh I’m absent-minded today I was thinking about something else”, “You are welcome to come at the family’s party”. Be boring, repetitive, lifeless and dead.
    You’ve got everybody at your side, anything she may say about you to others will not affect them in any way. Feel safe.

    If you want to help her break from that habit of her, after some training of the behavior above, you may start alternating between being kind when she is kind and ignoring her when she behaves bad.

    When you are at home in private, teach your daugther you own values and how to defend herself against such aggressions. Sending your brother’s sister away from your daugther will not help her cope with other similar minded people she may find in life. What is someone starts acting like that at school? With such a training, your daughter will already know how to deal peacefully with the situation.

    #68837
    Inky
    Participant

    The great news about parenthood: As the child gets older, they want a party with all their school friends, not their family! Then, older still, they want a sleepover party or going out to dinner/movie with close friends. And, your daughter will be busier with after school activities, so any SIL drama will be relegated to holidays and possibly weekends.

    Does she have children? If so, once you had kids, she sees you as competition. If she doesn’t have kids, she sees you as “one up”.

    I had this problem with my sister in terms of her being late and flaking out. (She really would, it wasn’t an excuse, she’s just an airhead LOL). I told her, “I want my kids parties to be about them, not about Where’s Auntie? When will Auntie be here?” So I ditched the fam. and just had parties. We would see them on holidays and an occasional weekend. I stopped inviting them to events.

    Social Media: It’s true, if you delete or block there is drama. What I do is go on to the sites less and less in terms of posting. I “Hide” most people so I don’t get upset. I just chat privately with the peeps I actually like.

    And, nothing creates distance like distance. If you move one day (because you want to, not because of your SIL!) you will be surprised at the sudden serenity!

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