How to go on with life

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This topic has 6 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 10 years ago by Anne.

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November 22, 2014 at 2:46 am #68229

Violet
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I am in hard emotional disbalance for last 10 months. I am married but I felt in love with somebody else and had sex with him. But, it seems after all that I was just a toy for that man and he used whole situation only for his own experience, with intent to just have one sex with me. But before that, for about year, for me it seems like we are very close friends, and that we love each other. I feel so close to him, and it seems that he was just using common tricks for me to fell in love with him, he hugged me, touched me, telling me intimate things, entrusted me, telling me hot words, made me believe that he wants me strong, which excited me deeply. But he is very intelligent person, he was gentle but he knows how to protect himself. He was getting close to me but he was also telling me the truth occasionally. But somehow I believed in things in which I wanted to believe. I convice myself somehow that he loves me. So there is nothing to blame him. I wanted him, I was ready to leave everything. But why? He never TOLD me anything serious, everything was wrapped, he got me with touching, holding my hand, gentle words, and I enjoyed his touch and presence. And to realizing slowly during this year, that I was his toy and he is pick up artist, destroyed me emotionally. And yes, he asked me once casually, do I know what is pick up artist. No I didn’t know. This is English term, I am no native English speaker. I remembered this after everything happens, and find this pick up artist forum and then really find out what happened. Since then, for this 10 month I really struggle with myself. For the whole time I believed in love and passion and that it can happens somehow to anybody. I try very hard to accept everything, to go on with life, to pretend nothing happens, to get close to my husband, to understand reasons why everything happend, to understand myself, because I should have act different, I should have set boundaries but I didn’t. I am the one who actually after all is cheater, pretender and hypocrite. He actually told me everything in subtle way. I tried to have sex with my husband, but I cry after sex, and I suffer insomnia, wake up with horrible feeling of emptiness and humiliation. I don’t know how to organize my life and go over things that happened last year and during this year. I don’t now how to live now. I don’t know why to live now. I was very naive and emotional person, introvert and with 30 years I had very little life experience about people and everything. I have regular job, live in small town, my private world is small, parents, siblings, husband, few friends, not so close, but I was never traditional type of person, and I love and respect life, different characters, people, love, everybody needs to live their own life in the best way they could. My husband was the person closest to me, my first serious relationship and sexual partner. I was extremly attached to him in first few years of our relationship and we got married, even we maybe subconciously weren`t sure about whole thing. But we have each other so we just go on with things. But things don’t have sense anymore.

November 22, 2014 at 5:24 am #68231

Inky
Participant

Hi Violet,

Well, if it took him a year to win you, then you were the ultimate prize.

And also, one can’t spend that much time and energy towards a person without feeling some sort of emotion or feeling some sort of guilt for using them. If he honestly doesn’t have some measure of affection or guilt towards you, then he is a sociopath. If so, congratulations! You got a sociopath out of your life!

Hold your head up. Chalk it up to a mistake. And “it” never happened! He’s not going to brag about it without destroying his own life. Conquering housewives is not something you brag about, so make believe “it” never happened.

And you are now officially older and wiser to the ways of the world. You have lived life, the kind that most people fall into at least once but never admit to. Sometimes that is the price of wisdom.

And, for your husband’s sake, take this to the grave. After all, “it” never happened.

November 22, 2014 at 7:07 am #68234

Janice
Participant

Hey Violet,
I’m sorry that you’re having a really hard time right now. I think I’m having quite different thoughts from Inky, so I hope I don’t make it too confusing by adding my perspective.

It happened. This is reality and even though it might be very painful, it’s okay. Just embrace it. It’s reality, it happened, but it doesn’t determine who you are, it won’t destroy you. Sit with the pain and observe it. And as you sit with the pain, you will notice that in addition to the part of you that feels pain, there will be another part of you who observes this pain. This can help you understand that you’re more than your pain or your thoughts about what a naive person you were. They’re just thoughts, just stories you tell yourself.

Someone played with you and even though you could have seen it coming, you didn’t want to, because it was very nice to have someone give you attention and affection. You were looking for belonging and affection and he gave that to you. That makes it very easy for you to wish for more. So don’t beat yourself up for falling for him because it’s a very human thing to do. It doesn’t mean your naive or a bad person, it just means you really wanted to fulfill your needs of human connection and feeling loved.

I think it’s important for you that you gain clarity on how you want to move on in your life? Are you truly happy with your husband? If not, what is missing? And can you be truly happy with him if this secret stands between the two of you? Are things worth fixing or do you want to leave him?
I think, while this is a very painful situation for you and I’m sorry that you’re struggling so much, it’s also a great opportunity for you to reflect and explore what it is you really want and how happy you are right now.

All the best to you.

November 22, 2014 at 8:59 am #68239

Violet
Participant

Thank you for support and time for reading and answering my post. I wonder do I need professional help because it seems like this opened up pandora box inside me. I doubt in my own personality, actually in everything I do and say, I am not sure what is right anymore. Maybe I shouldn’t write this post. What if I am sociopath or psychopath? I am not sure about my own conscience. I don’t want this to be just for relieving my concious. I am sorry for previous post maybe sounds judgmental towards him. I still love him and desire for his presence. Maybe he is trying to find himself, maybe just like I do. What if I made bad influence to his life? I still wonder where we could be if we had met each other in different life circumstances but maybe here my ego is refusing to accept that he don’t want me in his life and he didn’t loved me. I try and will try to make distance from that me. I still don`t know what I want, but I realise now that I didn’t achieved with my husband that level of intimacy and closeness with other human being for which I deeply desire.

November 22, 2014 at 12:27 pm #68246
Inky
Participant
OK, now you are beating yourself up. Listen, everyone wants to be the hero in their own story, the good guy, but this one thing doesn’t make you the bad guy! There are no bad guys, just misguided people. So we don’t know the end game: Did he disappear? Stop returning your calls? Laugh at you? Maybe he is just as broken hearted as you are. Maybe he was, as you wondered, a player.

But the truth is you are married.

Sometimes to get over a deep hurt or an absent person you have to think of them as deceased so your mind doesn’t “go there”. So if you think “How could he do that to me”, replace that with “That nice person died, the other guy is his identical twin”. Not the answer but will help with the day to day thoughts. Because the person you bonded with, for whatever reason, is not there, and might as well be dead.

Your marriage you have to deal with whether you had an affair or not. I vote for making it better, or at least the attempt.
- This reply was modified 10 years ago by Inky.
November 23, 2014 at 5:37 am #68270

Violet
Participant

After that we had a few conversations over chat but it seems to me now that he was using these conversations to evoke that event to get horny and ending our conversations quickly while I wanted to reach him as a person. But to find out few months after all that pick up artist world and rules and to recognise that in his behaviour was extremely painful to me. I wanted to understand what happened so I searched for informations, I read that pick up artists forum. And it is cruel world of using persons. Somehow I feel that he even didn’t want sex with me as physical (if not emotional) enjoyment in my body but that he wanted to use me just to get more experience for seducing other more beautiful, attractive, younger and free women. To have more interesting stories. Like I was his experiment. Like he was thinking: I will have sex with her, she is stupid women, but the more is the better, I will be better in seducing other women, through her I will learn more. That hurts. I understand that person can feel physical desire for another person and want sex despite everything. But I cant accept that somebody can approach to other person with intent to just exploit her.

November 23, 2014 at 11:21 am #68276

Anne
Participant

When we are hurt, it is easy to imagine the thoughts and feelings of the other person, and make them into those that will hurt us most badly. But those ideas we have about what the other person is thinking and feeling… they’re illusions. The most important thing now is how YOU are feeling.

You are hurt. You feel used, and confused. You feel anger towards him, even while you long for his return. These feelings are natural and normal, like any other break up.

For the time being, I wouldn’t mention this to your husband. Your mind is naturally and understandably clouded with painful emotions and it will be too difficult to make the right choice at this time. To help your healing, be kind to yourself, as you would be to your dearest friend. Eat and drink as well as you can, and try to get some exercise every day. Don’t scold yourself, or shame yourself. Things will be clearer with time.
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