Hey Anny, I think it’s a good idea to speak with your husband about this and explore why and what about your contact to his sister would hurt him. If you understand this better then maybe both of you can figure out if any contact to what extent, if so, can be a compromise that makes both of you happy.
And you can also explore just for yourself, what is it in this situation that’s most important to you? Is it important to support your husband? Is it important to maintain the friendship? Is it important to you to do the “morally just” thing” (whatever that may be in this situation)? Do you hope to be able to put an end to their conflict sometime in the future if you stay in contact with his sister?

Try to gain some clarity over what’s important to you and your husband.

I hope this helps. All the best to you.

I think the sister is being controlling because by saying that you are “controlled” and have to “hate” her because of your husband! That is very manipulative. This is not an intervention on behalf of a controlled woman. This is so she can be friends with one spouse and still fight with the other!

Asking one spouse to go against the other (even in support) is over the top. She can’t have it out with one, so she goes for the easier target! Don’t be the easier target.

Just say, “I want peace in the home” or “I’m not discussing this” or “You’re not over that yet?” when she brings it up.

And, on another note, of course you can be friends with her! Just don’t have it be in your husband’s face! Don’t hide or deny it either! Be all, “Honey, I want peace in the home”, “I’m not discussing this” or “You’re not over that yet?”

The decision is ultimately yours, but I would let your husband handle it and take the lead.

I understand what you are going through I am in a similar situation and I am the sister-in-law. My brother had a nasty argument with my mother and he decided to cut his entire family off. I had nothing to do with this argument. His wife did not even bother to tell me that she should not speak to me anymore, she just stopped returning calls and texts. I found out on Christmas eve I was no longer welcome in their house by another relative. However they still accepted my gifts.

I respect you for at least trying to consider your sister-in-law’s feelings, but she crossed the line when she said that her brother is controlling you. Keeping peace in your home is what should take priority. Janice gave you very good advice on how to communicate with both of them. I hope in the future you and your husband will be able to work out issues with his family in a emotionally healthy way.