I’m in love with a guy who I am unsure
of whether he is the right one for me.
We are both eighteen. At the start of the
year our relationship begun to develop
and I allowed myself to open up to him immediately, which is unlikely for me
since I am a very closed off person. I
was surprised at the immediate deep
connection that I felt towards him – I
don’t know what
it is about him that makes me feel so
addicted to him. Our relationship just
flows naturally – we have a deep
emotional and physical connection.
This does indeed make me feel like he is
right one for me. Until he unexpectedly
broke up with me a few months ago. He
said that he needed space and that he
wasn’t emotionally ready to commit to a
relationship at the time. I accepted it,
but I felt very hurt, as I was confused
at what had triggered him to suddenly
leave me. I have the tendency
to doubt myself – this experience
increased the idea that I just wasn’t
enough. I fell into a depression. A few
weeks ago he initiated contact with me
and we started seeing each other again.
He wrote me a song while I was absent in
his life which reflected his deepest
feelings and confirmed his love for me.
The fact of the matter is that he has had
psychological problems before. He lost
two of his family members to death two
years ago, of which one committed
suicide. After this he was deeply
depressed and suicidal. He has an
impulsive and indecisive behavior and he
has told me that he is slightly bipolar.
Therefore I am unsure of how he is
feeling most of the time. Even though
he comes across as being happy and
loveable, I can sometimes sense that he
is ingenuine. He is spontaneous which
makes my family members think he is gay.
Even though I can see where they are
coming from, we do have a physical
connection and I think it’s just the
way he comes across which makes people
believe that he’s gay. It’s clear that
he is different, authentic and
beautifully imperfect – which are some
of the reasons why I love him so much.
The problem is that he is too fearful of
commitment and I am scared of getting
too emotionally attached like the first
time and losing him again. I’m doubtful
of whether I should continue seeing him
because of his ability to emotionally
hurt me again.