This is very hard to summarize, so I apologize for a very long post. I also apologize for grammatical mistakes. English is not my first language, but I give my best shot. Here is the bottom line: I am currently becoming overwhelmed by guilt due to my ex girlfriend’s suicide threats for not returning to her. Her state have worsened since we’ve broken up, and I feel responsible. I am constantly confused whether I need to go back to her, even if I do not love her anymore and see no way the relationship will be stable.

And here is the story behind it:

I lost most of my connections while I was in relationship because I poured all my time and energy to my ex. I am afraid to discuss this with my family due to their view on homosexuality. So I search answers online, find similar stories…In fact, that’s how I found tinybuddha.com. I’ve been keeping this website close for few months now, and I thought I could attempt reaching out to someone on the forum. When I read things that are not direct to me, I think I only read and remember what I want to hear, so maybe there is something I need to hear that I don’t want to hear.

I was in a relationship with my ex for about a year before I just could not bear her verbal abuse and tantrums anymore. After I left, my ex’s fury escalated. My ex was especially traumatized because I told her “I will never leave you”, and I broke that promise. (I really learned my lesson that you need to think VERY hard about saying something like that). My ex has been sending me blackmails, death/legal(?) threats, accusations, and other harassing messages almost for 11 months since we broke up now. The messages are almost daily, but I may have encouraged it because I kept trying to talk to her. I am not entirely sure what I was aiming for when I am doing that. Give her closure, offer apologies, redeem myself, relieve misunderstandings…? I suppose deep inside, I am looking for forgiveness, but I shouldn’t ask for that out of my ex anymore. Regardless, I don’t think I have a thick skin, so her words are VERY hard for me to chew down. She words make me feel like I am not even a human being, rips me apart. I feel scared, guilty, humiliated, angry, and absolutely exhausted. My ex was a victim of child abuse, so she probably grew up hearing these incredibly horrible words from her mother. So I try to remind myself that she is trying to share the pain so that she won’t feel so alone and frightened.

Unfortunately, I am no saint…toward the end of our relationship I really fought back, which I regret very much. I’ve always been an anxious person, and my anxiety level shot up during the relationship. I could not predict when my ex will explode with anger. That’s was not the only source of my anxiety; she have strangled me before. Though that happened only once, I can’t seem to forget about it. Due to the overwhelming guilt and shame, I tried to kill myself. (I failed). Panic attacks began to occur, but thankfully is now under control with medication and therapy. I try to remind myself that my ex is lashing out all her feelings on me because she has nothing else to hold on to. My ex has nobody else, and she is in intense emotional pain, beyond what I can imagine. Also, my ex has Borderline Personality Disorder, which is already familiar to me due to a family member. I feel like a fool thinking that I could “save” my ex. I should have known better. I am no doctor. I truly overestimated my ability, and I feel very ashamed. But I do feel that I did my absolute best. Before things got out of hand, I was able to use what I know to be at my ex’s side, just hang out, while staying as much as I can, directed her to difference resources, learn to forgive, and ultimately protect myself through the whole process. But like I said, I am no saint…I made many mistakes, and I hit my limit. I began to retaliate more and more. I made many criticisms on her behavior. I spoke so spitefully…I was feeling so much anger and fear. I imagine that my words devastated my ex. But I think what hurt my ex the most is the silence. I would shut down due to exhaustion, and it severely triggered my ex. The relationship was spiraling out of control! But I can’t forget that ex’s condition worsened after I left her.

I can’t figure out what to do with all these guilt. My ex is doing quite bad, and I feel deserving of my ex’s harassment. She have quit school, and express no hope for the future. I knew that my ex had BPD, and I just made her worse. I have ruined someone’s life and now I am rightfully marked with revenge. But, is my guilt overblown? I just don’t know how to think of this situation. (Or maybe I do, but looking for external validation…oh no, that doesn’t sound healthy) Just today my ex shared that she returned from hospital from another suicide attempt. And I feel like a horrible person that my first reaction in my head is “I am so exhausted”. It is just about clear to me that I do not want to return being my ex’s girlfriend, but I did not mean to intensify her suffering.

On one hand, I think I shouldn’t blame myself, because my ex was like this before I met her. On the other hand, how can I NOT blame myself? I’ve been advised to leave this person, and cut all contact, but it feels wrong to me. I also have been advised many times I need to take care of myself first, but that feels selfish to me. It seems she is throwing even harsher tantrum in front of her family, smashing furniture and now torturing her pet. And I am the cause.

Then again, doing the right thing doesn’t always FEEL right. Hmm…It is a cycle of thought that never ends. I want to move on. I want to find joy in life again. I want to learn new things. My school has so much to offer and I am missing out because I am constantly battling with my own emotions. But…do I not deserve this because of what I’ve done?

Thank you so much for reading my story…it means a lot to me that you took your time to read it. I apologize again for such a long post.

Few things to note here: My ex and I are currently in a different country. I have called suicide hotline few times now, (cannot call emergency number from another country) and I am observing no difference. A big fault on my part: I kept responding to my ex’s messages. I am weak, so I reply sometimes out of fear, sometimes out of anger, but mostly out of guilt. I acknowledge that this the worst possible thing to do in this situation; I am dragging and making this thousand times harder for both of us. But I cannot stop myself. The longest I’ve hold it off is a month and a half…

Again, thank you so much for reading.