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Is my mind sabotaging our relationship?

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  • August 29, 2014 at 1:36 am #64074
    Will
    Participant

    My perspective: Do not marry this man at this time.

    The situation sounds complicated and might shake out in a number of different ways, but your relationship is on shaky grounds if he’s in love with this other person and spends a lot of time with her. You feel constantly criticised (not cool) and wonder what life might be like outside of the relationship.

    I don’t think you should break up right now, although that’s an option, but kick your wedding plans into the long grass. If you’re going to stay together, there’s no rush and if not, divorce is a paperwork nightmare. Don’t do it right now. Talk, think about what you want, listen to him and to her about what they think, and go from there.

    August 29, 2014 at 5:16 am #64081
    Inky
    Participant

    You cheating was a deal breaker. He can forever (even mentally) hang that over your head. So that part sucks.

    The friend: I had two guys in love with me at the same time, and I’m not gonna lie ~ I loved every minute of it!! I really did! One was my partner, the other platonic, so it was, frankly, awesome. I stopped it, but why would he stop? His having a “harem” is the price you are paying for infidelity. Just the fact that he “confessed”, is your payback.

    Also, if this is your best friend, it’s funny that you never talked about it. If you talk about it, are you afraid that it will somehow make it real? Exist? Give her power? Force his hand? She must know she has a part in a weird dynamic, and that she boldly talks to your fiancé as a best bro.

    Can you tell her (gently) that you need more time with DH, and that, frankly, “It looks bad”, the two of them getting together and that “people talk”? Or, hey, you take up jogging and you need HER to get you in shape! If you join them or take her away one of the little bonds will be broken!

    The wedding: Did you already send out the invitations? If not, then put him on marriage probation. No more best friend, no more criticisms. Make a love bank and put coins in for every kind word, every loving gesture. Take a coin out for best friend seeing, complaints, making you feel bad. See if there are any coins left six months from now and how many. That’s your answer. Yes, you can tell him you’re doing this. He can have one for you too, if he wants! Make it a competition who can fill up the other’s jar faster! 🙂 Trite, but powerful. We had a swear jar. One of the kids filled it up to the brink, and then suddenly stopped swearing!

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by Inky.
    August 29, 2014 at 7:40 am #64095
    Matt
    Participant

    Katie,

    This is going on a year of feeling cruddy now? And from “just a crush” to a weird threesome/living in mistress? And he belittles you? I admire your heart, but this relationship doesn’t seem to be working out well for you. Ya know?

    Perhaps set him free, set yourself free, move on. You deserve to be the main event, not a third wheel wife. Said differently, I don’t think your mind is sabotaging the relationship, rather, perhaps your mind is trying to help you see your “love bank” has been empty for awhile, not getting the tender attentions it needs to feel safe, content.

    With warmth,
    Matt

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