I am or should I say was strong and independent women with a recent graduation in Social Work with honors. After a year long distance relationship, I got married and moved to USA. Leaving behind my career, job and family with whom I have very strong relations. We have been married for 6 months but only lived together for 3 months; from the very first month I have been finding out that he was not very honest regarding his health. The only things I knew were his undiagnosed/incurable headaches and asthma. Regarding his headaches he told me that it does not interfere with his daily life and future family life. On our wedding night, he takes out a backpack full of prescribed medications and when I questioned him, he explained it’s for his headaches & denied any other illness. Since then, day after day I find out not only does he has Fibromyalgia, he gets panic attacks, he had gal bladder surgery, had gastro-bypass surgery and he is borderline diabetic. I believe he may also have OCD, since he is very obsessed and paranoid about for his stuff. With the amount of daily medications that he takes, this has caused him impotency, which I came to know on our honeymoon. When I moved to USA, promptly after he informed me that he is no longer looking for a job until the cause/cure is found for his headaches. He was/is getting disability leave pay. After another month, he informs me that he does not want to have any kids until he gets a job. I am a 33-year-old women and he is 40; we had discussed during our engagement time that we wanted to have kids right away since we are of age, and at that time there was no discussion on not working since he was looking for a job; and after a my immigration process is cleared, I’ll start working as well. For almost 1 month he was avoiding intimacy, I tried talking to him about it and was finally able to convince him to see a doc. But the prescribed Viagra wasn’t working and after that he has not been intimate since then. I know this is an ego crusher but I feel he has shunned me out completely. He even started avoiding sleeping in the same room/bed complaining about the heat even with 2 fans and AC on, he would sleep on the sofa.

For both, this is our 2nd marriage. My 1st marriage ended in a divorce since my ex wanted to marry another with whom he was having an affair. After that traumatic experience, I was and still am not able to handle lies. I can’t seem to forgive those who lie to me. With what was happening in my current married life, I was/am feeling betrayed. But more importantly I am not able to forgive myself for what I have done. I have lied. I don’t know what came over me, I became who I hate. After the first month of living together, I hit his car, by mistake, on curb but somehow not only flattened his tires but damaged both of his rims. I called him but when he came he was so furious and I panicked and told him that i got run over. That was my 1st lie to him. Then after some week, I went to a grocery store and I fainted. It turned out that I had UTI but was also dehydrated. Sometime in the 3 months, I lied to him again. I told him I was attacked in the park nearby. The police was called and I got scared but I continued with my lie. But after 4 days of inner torture I confessed to the Police. They told me that I should seek counseling but to my husband they were trying to force him to sign a form that allowed them to forcefully submit me to a psychiatric hospital. They believe that I had also lied about the fainting incident, and that I am desperate to seek attention and may harm myself or my husband. So my husband told me that I should go back to my country and seek psychiatric help since it is free here than in USA.

I came home, and had myself checked by a psychiatrist. He cleared me of any mental health issue but has stated that what I had done was under extreme duress/ stressed state. We have not filed for a divorce, since our last conversation at the airport was that we both love each other. But since i have been here, he has sent me only hurtful txt msgs. I have apologized to him but he blames me stating that I “turned his life into a horror movie”, that I “made him sick” and now he is “afraid for his life”.

I am seeking counseling but I feel no one seems to understand to what extent I hated liars. I have asked for forgiveness from everybody but I just don’t know how to forgive myself. This is not who I am and this is not who I was…a liar. Please tell me what has helped you to forgive yourself.