Home→Forums→Tough Times→Guilty Conscience
- This topic has 6 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 3 months ago by BenzRabbit.
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August 25, 2014 at 12:01 pm #63918krdvimmParticipant
I have been dealing with this situation for about a two years now and have come to the point where I feel an abundance of unexplained guilt and sympathy for this person.
The situation:
My husband’s childhood friend currently lives with us downstairs. He contributes by paying rent.
So far, he’s sexually assaulted me, threatened to “beat” my family and he asked my husband if I would kick him out if he slit my dog’s throat. He also asked that, if I decide to kick him out, what are his rights with the rentalsman. All his threats are uttered under breath or to my husband who treats them as empty threats, which so far they have been.
Yesterday, we confronted him. I gave him multiple opportunities to apologize, but he didn’t. I tried to reason with him, treat him like an adult. Calmly tell him that his behaviour was unacceptable, etc. Instead, he through it back in my face.
“I’m sorry that you feel that way and that it had to come this far before you tell me.”
“I don’t see how I’ve done anything wrong”
“I am caring and understanding… you just don’t see it”
“I am honest and only present information as I see it”
“[I would like to continue staying] here because it mutually benefits us.”
“I don’t see where you are getting all of this from.”Basically, it was all in my mind. It was all my fault.
Why do I feel bad that he has no where to go? No one to rely on? Why is it that I still feel like I have to be considerate for his situation and to give him time when realistically any logical person would want him out… NOW.
I don’t understand.
History:
He grew up with my husband. My husband said that he wasn’t like this before. He lived out west. He was unable to secure a new contract position after his previous contract had ended, his long-time girlfriend left him, he was days from being kicked out onto the street (according to my husband), was starving and was using his credit/debt to pay credit/debt.
We invited him out here and my husband helped him apply for a position with his company which he was able to get. The company offered him a moving bonus which he spent on gadgets and some on debt. He carpooled with my husband to work and would occasionally borrow my vehicle. At that point, he was already showing signs of rude behavior such as telling me to “go eat balls” when I invited him to sit down for dinner or “can I come, can I come?!” wherever we go even when my family was visiting out of town and there was no room in the car.
About 6 months later, my husband and I purchased our first home. Until this point, he was not contributing to the bills/rent. We discussed and agreed to a monthly payment with him. This is not a suite so it did not have a private entrance nor a kitchen.
My brother moved in with me about 3 months after that and since then he has been asking for lowered/no rent because my brother wasn’t paying rent (he’s babysitting the kids, washing laundry, doing the housework, cooks, takes care of my mother who recently had a stroke). During this time, I added a puppy to the family-he doesn’t like dogs. About 3 months after that, we bought a car and sold the old one. At which point, I told him that I was no longer going to lend my car to him. He threw a fit about this stating that he was a better driver than me so he didn’t understand why he wasn’t allowed to drive it. At one point during our exchanges, he mentioned that we were taking advantage of him so he’s taking advantage of us. (Not going to rant about other unsightly habits he has.)
He then sent me an email criticizing my discussions with my husband as to why he is ALWAYS with us or why he was coming with us stating that I got this habit from my mother who is “old and has nothing better to do” (his words, not mine.) He asked me to lower rent so that he could afford a car or we can discuss his usage of my car. His rent is $500 for the entire basement utilities included.
August 25, 2014 at 9:03 pm #63942MattParticipantkrdvimm,
I’m sorry for your suffering, dear sister, and can understand how confounding life can be sometimes. Here is a man that you sympathize with, is obviously troubled, but treats you poorly, aggressively invasive. So on one hand, perhaps you wish to kick his butt out, but on the other, perhaps somehow get trapped in confusion, unsure of what’s the right thing to do. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
The anger you have for the situation is normal, and nothing to do with your tender heart. Said differently, even loving beings get pissed off when boundaries are crossed, and that’s OK. No need for feelings of guilt because its too much to handle. One of my teachers used to say “there are some folks that would piss off a Buddha.” Consider letting some of that emotional fire out safely, such as screaming into a pillow, flailing your arms around, punching something (preferably not someone) and so forth.
That being said, consider that with your husband’s friend, there are really two possibilities. One, he’s a bodhisattva, and pushing all your buttons so you wake up and stand up to his bullying, stop being rolled over so easily. Or two, he’s a stuck and cranky kid, blaming others for the garbage that goes wrong for him, bullying, and you’ll have to wake up and stand up to his bullying. At any shade in between (giving any benefit, because who knows) the solution is perhaps the same.
To do this, it is perhaps easiest to open up the back door and let his garbage pass right through. All his pokes and prods, pressure and bullying, trying to convince you that you’re the issue… all bunched together like a big cord of slime he’s been throwing at you. Then, “uh, no thanks, don’t want it anymore, let it be gone”, perhaps even envisioning big white scissors of white light sliding right through that crap. You don’t have to cut the white ones, such as wanting him to find his stride, heal his wounds, find happiness… just the ones that claim you have to help him do it. You don’t. Let him find a teacher he can’t bully, let him find the help he needs from someone better prepared to handle him. But still, it’d be great if he did find that guide, was able to clean up his act and grow up. Just not on your dime, ya know?
Then, after you shake him off, consider turning toward self nurturing. Take some time to unwind, be alone, quiet, with the mystery set down. Maybe let your brother babysit, and get in your car and go do something, just for you, just because you want to do it. Even more fun, don’t tell anyone what you’re going to do, or what you did. Let it be your secret, a smile no one else gets to share. Or, hop in the tub with candles, put on some soft music, or other self caring activities that help you just let go and breathe for awhile. Get some softness around you, warmth, help remind yourself that life is beautiful, or can be when we take the time. 🙂
Finally, consider reading “Facing Codependence” by Pia Mellody. There are a lot of signs of caretaking, both from you and your husband (or your boot would have met his friends butt long ago). Boundaries can sometimes be poorly understood, what is helping and what is enabling, and many other factors that could be making your situation much more confounding. Mellody’s wisdom is very plainly written with step by step instructions, and even has an available workbook called “Breaking Free” that you can use alongside the book (if you’re so inclined 🙂 ). It may help you figure out how to stop his hooks from grabbing you, why limits are healthy, how to stand up for yourself, how to recognize, validate, and express your needs, and so on. His BS won’t stand up to her PhD, and will certainly make his “no, you just don’t get it” laughable. 🙂
With warmth,
MattAugust 26, 2014 at 4:38 am #63951InkyParticipantHi
I love Matt’s advice if it were man to man. Unfortunately …
This guy is abusive!! And Dangerous!!
The third paragraph gave me chills. This is serious. Are you going to wait until you have infants and toddlers until you honor yourself with a safe place to live? Your husband, the man of the house, should deal with this. If he won’t, it is up to you to change the locks, get a restraining order and police protection while you move his things out. I’m not kidding.
After “sexually assaulted you” it doesn’t matter (not to mention threatened family, things he said) you should move and tell DH you will return when this “friend” is gone.
Or, rent a small apartment and kick DH and “friend” in there. It is worth first and last months rent to be safe in your own home.
Don’t worry ~ I’ve known several people who have been in your situation (without the abuse!) and the friends ALWAYS, very quickly! find another place to go! He’ll be fine.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Inky.
August 26, 2014 at 5:06 am #63954InkyParticipantSo, Options:
1. Change locks, restraining order, police protection while you get rid of his things
2. You move out until he’s gone
3. Eat it and get an apartment (or even hotel), pay first and last month’s rent (or a few nights), move his things in there and change your locks back at home.
What he’s done is find the weakest member of his herd ~ your husband ~ to live off of. What he’s now doing is triangulating to make you look like you’re “crazy” and taking away your power.
In this situation it’s more important to be safe than enlightened.
August 26, 2014 at 5:23 pm #63972CatherineParticipantI agree with Inky, this man is extremely dangerous. He’s already sexually assaulted you (and, just in case this is you, don’t justify it by assigning ‘levels’ to sexual assault), he’s making serious threats of violence, he’s being a bully and I actually believe him when he says he thinks he’s done nothing wrong (he has, but I believe he truly lacks self awareness). If you’re in any doubt about how dangerous he is, you need to read a book called The Gift of Fear. This guy and his personality flaws are in it: he is a psychopath. That’s not to say he’s a murderer, just that he has some very undesirable personality traits: lack of empathy, overblown self-importance, manipulative, a liar, parasitic, irresponsible, and treats others poorly, particularly the vulnerable. This isn’t a time to try and figure out why you’re feeling guilt and sympathy – maybe it’s Stockholm Syndrome! – but rather a time to seek formal advice. The YMCA may have a lawyer who visits once a week and gives legal advice in exchange for a donation (I gave $10 and he helped me a lot) to find out what your rights are in removing this guy given that he’s paying rent. Inky’s advice is also good here – moving out may be a sign to your husband that he needs to wake up and help you deal with his ‘friend’ who has overstayed his welcome. I don’t see that you have any other choices but to ultimately get this guy out of your house. Your husband needs to be onboard with this and back you up fully. Has your brother ever seen this guy’s bad behaviour too? Honestly, get this guy out of your house and I’m certain your bad feelings will start to fade.
September 2, 2014 at 5:24 pm #64299Mmm BaconParticipantThis is a very dangerous situation. This guy will only continue to escalate. I am afraid for you and your family if you do not get him out of there. And where the hell is your husband in all of this? Shouldn’t he be protecting you from this abuse? Get this abusive free-loader out of your home and do not hesitate to get a restraining order if his threats of violence continue. This man is a classic abuser and he eventually will make good on these threats. Please take care of yourself.
September 6, 2014 at 5:02 pm #64484BenzRabbitParticipantPlease get out of this situation as soon as possible.
If you are in the U.S/Canada/Europe call the cops first and they will guide you to government/family agencies and shelters that would help you get out.
Sorry to say this but your husband is a wimp or he is in some kind of shady arrangement with this friend.
God bless !
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