Hi Mariposita,

I get where you’re coming from. I can feel exactly the same way sometimes. One thing that helps is to remind yourself that often, when a person is unkind towards you for no reason, it isn’t really about you although it most certainly feels that way because they’re directing the anger and negativity towards you.

A lot of the time, those people, whether they care to admit it or not, have issues going on in their life that they don’t know how to deal with. They become frustrated and/or angry with themselves and the only way they know to deal with that frustration or anger is to take it out on someone else. Their focus is then taken away from the fact that they feel bad and don’t know how to deal with their own stuff.

It may not be the case for everyone but it will be for some. When you see it from that perspective, it becomes a little bit easier to have a bit more compassion for them because they’re struggling to cope.

Mariposita,

In contrast to Inky’s heartfelt advice, perhaps consider that you’re making their suffering about you. Monkeys screetch, dogs bark, snakes hiss, and people that suffer poke outward, sometimes grumpily, sometimes volcanic. Try not to hold too much against them, its not like they are stuck on purpose. 🙂

To “break apart the cocoon”, or “expand the bubble”, so that other people’s stuff doesn’t bother you, consider picking one and offering them compassion. Like a warm space for them to be just who they are. For me, it helps to envision them as a baby, innocent, ignorant, wanting to be held and loved and happy. Then, along the way, something changed, some type of conditions that aren’t really anyone’s fault, they just sort of were what they are. Perhaps they were impoverished, fiscally or spiritually, perhaps they have a bum gene or two, didn’t get enough hugs, are actually really nice people having a shitty day… who knows. Happy people don’t treat other people poorly, so their lack of happiness, their “lost baby-like innocence” is sad, not personal, not about Mari.

From this soft space, we can just give them a hug. “Don’t know why you poke like that, don’t have to. May your clouds break, friend.” And then for us, it is done. We walk away perhaps needing a little shake or a few breaths to re-center, but why let them trouble us? They’re troubled enough, no need to let suffering spread. 🙂

That being said, in the moment, if you don’t have the space to forgive and breathe, inky’s “ping pong” strategy works well. No need for life to be an endurance trial, and better to put some walls up than be trampled. It often doesn’t fix it long term, though, because these pokey beings are also around us to teach. Usually, compassion. Like, its easy to forget how thirsty a being can get if they don’t have indoor plumbing, and faulting them for being grumpy about it is sorta prideful, causing us to overlook the blessing of our own life (as we spin and frown at them :)). Why bother? “Sheesh, *hugs*, good luck to you”. Or, if you wish to help them with their struggle, help them find some warmth, offer a cool glass of water, consider “wow, you sound upset. Are you OK? What happened? There’s got to be more behind your hurt feelings than what just happened between us, do you want to share?” Only if you have the space, of course, remember its not an endurance trial. 🙂

Finally, consider that our life is very naturally a mix of pleasure and pain. Sunny days, rainy days. Sun comes up, things are playful, light, gleeful. Then, the sun sets and the moon comes up, and things get unstable, shaky, scary… shadows deepen, darken. As we learn to simply rest and look during the moon, our intuition grows, emotional intelligence grows. Less startle, more clear seeing, more equanimity, and so on. Said differently, there you are, playing in the sun, when suddenly a teacher arises, and boom, painful feelings. As we accept the discomfort is on our side, is our startle reaction to the suffering of others, we naturally, wisely, erode their control over us. Then, even when they use words that poke out “you did this to me, you suck”, they arise more like a brother or sister crying that their bike tire is bent from a nasty fall. Its not about us, or even when we did make a mistake, we can authentically say “well, not on purpose, and I’m willing to help but you gotta stop lashing out, or I can’t, won’t”. See? Then, win or lose, we walk away whole.

Namaste, friend, may your inner smile light a path through the moon.

With warmth,
Matt

Hi Mariposita,

I used to feel this way a lot. In fact, it got so bad I actually got out of my car and started yelling at a complete stranger for being so rude. It took a while, but now I look at it as something very revealing. I was under a lot of stress and pressure at the time, and it really was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Perhaps there is another reason why you are reacting so strongly.

Sometimes I still mildly react when people that cut me off or make a rude comment. Mostly, it just doesn’t bother me much anymore. There are many ways to work on this. One suggestion I have is to label it something else. Is it really an injustice? When I think of the true definition of injustice, I don’t think of a stranger being extremely rude. Next, simply ask yourself, are they really treating you poorly or are you reacting poorly? You’ll never see him/her again and this is a small moment in time. A stranger really should have no power on how you feel about yourself. As @justfabulous said, it’s not about you.

All the best,
Shawn