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It is wrong to love someone else if my husband knows?

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  • July 9, 2014 at 1:24 am #60460
    Kimberly
    Participant

    I am 29, have been with my husband for 10 years, and we have been married for 8 years. We have two beautiful children, ages 6 and 4, and have had our ups and downs. Presently, our marriage is wonderful. We communicate very well with each other, are honest, and trust each other. After the birth of our second child, we experimented with an open marriage because we were not happy with each other. Though I think we were lucky to make it through that period, we came out of it much, much, closer. We also did a lot of personal work with our feelings of jealousy and inadequacy. It has been about 3-4 years since we had any sort of physical/emotional relationship outside of our marriage.

    Here’s my current situation that I’d like some advice about: One of my best friends of 11 years recently expressed that he has feelings for me – that he loves me – and I have felt that way for years as well. We are both happily married, with children, and have no desire to leave our spouse or to create the same type of relationship that we have in our marriage. He wants me to be happy in my marriage, and I want the same for him. We connect on a soul level, and have always felt that. My connection with him is very different from the connection I have with my husband. I sometimes wonder if we knew each other in a past life.

    As soon as these feelings of love were expressed, I told my husband. We have had a couple long talks about it, and my husband assures me he does not feel threatened or jealous. He has always known that I had a special connection with this other person, and he also says that he believes me wholeheartedly when I tell him that I am still in love with him and want a successful and happy marriage.

    So my question is this: As a Buddhist, am I doing something wrong? Society tells me yes – that I can only truly love one person. But if I am honest with my husband, and continue to stay committed to my marriage and family, is it okay for me to love someone else as well, and to have a happy, love-based relationship with them? There will never be a physical relationship with this soulmate of mine, because we respect his relationship with his wife and know her feelings would be hurt if something physical ever occurred.

    Would love some input on this. Thanks for reading.

    July 9, 2014 at 4:08 am #60461
    Inky
    Participant

    I’m not a Buddhist, but one of the guidelines is sexual morality.

    Here’s the thing ~ it’s a slippery slope. First it’s a warm hug. Then it’s hand holding. Then it’s hair stroking. And then Soul Friend gets jealous of DH. Then he’s leaving inappropriate texts. Then the wife suspects he’s in love with you. Then his mother dies and wife gives you the hairy eyeball at the funeral when you go to support him. Then DH is more jealous than he claims or you find he has had a bit of side action all along. Then the children get jealous of your time with Uncle Soul Friend. Then the youngest child calls him “Daddy”.

    Honestly? I had something like this happen and I had to shut it down.

    I would have Soul Friend and Family over several times a year. You will always have that mystical soul connection, but I wouldn’t see him alone. The wife’s spidey senses would be tingling from the energy shift. And it bothers me that DH isn’t a little jealous that another man is interested in his wife.

    July 9, 2014 at 8:58 am #60468
    Matt
    Participant

    Kimberly,

    The answer to “is it wrong to love?” is always no, the heart just does what it does. But what you choose to do with your feelings can bring positive or less positive results. Does your soul friend’s wife understand, accept and encourage him to remain open and heartfelt with you? Its not a party of four if three are happy and content and one is miserable and jealous… 🙂 However, if the four of you are aware, happy, connected, who is to say it should be different than it is?

    As far as Buddhism is concerned, it typically condones mindful action. Such as, be romantic and loving with whom you desire, but watch closely, with open eyes and a focused mind. That’s what helps us find the difference between skillful and unskillful, allowing us to drop the unskillful. Is there something the soul friend gives you that your husband cannot/doesn’t? Said differently, perhaps the yearning for another comes from an unmet need, which if you could figure out what it is, the intimacy with your husband could become more fulfilling. But, its your dance, sister, and love deserves our tender attention no matter what paths we travel… that’s how we stay in tune with the music. 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

    July 9, 2014 at 10:36 am #60469
    Jade
    Participant

    I believe that it is entirely possible to love more than one person. Love is not a zero sum game, your love for your soul friend does not diminish how much love you have for your husband, but runs parallel to it.

    I agree with what Matt says and make sure that your friend’s wife is also fully aware and comfortable with the situation, and continue in each relationship with consideration and consciousness and open communication.

    July 9, 2014 at 2:17 pm #60491
    Kimberly
    Participant

    Thanks for your input. I really appreciate it.

    His wife (his 2nd, whom he married after we had known each other for 3-4 years already) knows we are close and always have been. She is okay with that, and has said things to him like, “If you or she need that, it’s okay.” She has never expressed any jealousy. However, my friend has said that he does not feel like he could tell her that we have feelings for each other. He loves his wife very much, and would not want to hurt her. That is why we have agreed that nothing physical could ever happen between us. It would jeopardize his marriage. So, for the most part, our relationship is continuing the way it always has – with many letters back and forth, and talking from time to time – but now we also know just how deeply we care for one another.

    Matt, in regards to your comment about what my friend gives me that my husband doesn’t… I actually talked with my husband about this a couple of nights ago. I love my husband and he loves me. I do not necessarily feel like our relationship is lacking in some way. However, the connection I have with my friend is just completely different than what I have with my husband. My husband and I have a strong friendship, and a commitment to support each other, raise a family together, and grow old together. The relationship with my friend feels like it was started in another realm. It is a spiritual bond I have with him that I don’t share with my husband. One is not better or worse than the other, just different. And my husband acknowledged that he just isn’t as interested or passionate about the same things that I am – the things that I talk with my friend about: death, life, God, the meaning of it all. Most importantly, my husband was fine with that. He said he doesn’t feel threatened by all of this, and is glad that I have an extra person in my life to talk to.

    It feels so good to have found these two loves, almost too good to be true. I do not think it is healthy to expect one person to fulfill all of our needs, and I think by putting that expectation on my marriage, I would inevitably become disappointed. I’m trying to be very mindful of keeping boundaries with my own marriage, and in regards to my friend’s spouse. And I’m trying to detach from any idea about how this should all play out. For the time being, it’s simply nice to feel a little extra love.

    Thanks again for your responses.

    July 9, 2014 at 4:54 pm #60495
    Inky
    Participant

    Please don’t just pay attention to what Soul Friend, Wife and DH are SAYING.

    Pay attention to the Energy and Vibe.

    i.e. Wife could be saying, “Oh, it’s fine.” But the Energy might be all “THIS IS ONLY A TEST OF MY HUSBAND’S LOVE”. See the difference?

    There’s a Reason why Soul Friend said he doesn’t want to take it to a physical level. Because he KNOWS Wife would be devastated, no matter what she says. But I’ll tell you what, if she wouldn’t like a physical thing, she 9/10 would be unhappy with a “mere” emotional thing. But she says nothing because it has to come from him.

    I don’t know, in a perfect world I would have my spiritual friend, my best guy friend, my DH, my old crush, and my cute friend all in one platonic free love extravaganza with smiley faces, hearts and balloons. 😀 🙂 😉

    But there’s a good chance someone would get hurt. And I’m not counting the wives.

    This can work only if everything goes perfectly. Please be careful.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Inky.
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