Thank you, thank you, thank you. @Inky never apologise, am so grateful and I love your insight. I think you may have a point in that my reaction to this loss is kind of disproportionate in some way to the relationship itself and it might be that I have work to do still since my divorce, rather than this necessarily being a great loss itself.

That kind of hurts, because I really worked hard on that, or so I thought. Maybe its something you never ‘get over’ completely and utterly….I’m not sure. When we split (my husband), he walked out and I literally have never seen him again. It was a shock, and as such I took a long, long, LONG time to feel better. There was no conversations, explanations, nothing. It wasn’t like we’d been fighting. In fact he’d been talking about us having a family soon. So it just came out of the blue and felt like a trauma, in that I relived it every day for years. He hadn’t told me anything was wrong, and he wouldn’t talk to me after. He told me he had mental health issues and couldn’t be with anyone, but I later found out he’d been cheating on me and he married her within 2 years of leaving me. I lost myself for a while, stayed indoors, ignored social engagements, etc. Eventually I did a lot of CBT and behavioural activation to engage in new activities. And I wrote, wrote, wrote. Talked to friends. Spent time with family. It was 3 years before I felt remotely human despite all this, and another year before I would meet anyone else. I analysed it to death, wondering why it had happened to me, why he would treat me like that, and every morning I would wake up, throw up (not something I could help, just a body reaction to stress with me), and wonder why the universe hadn’t stopped becuase I wanted to scream “Wait! Wait! This isn’t what is supposed to happen! I’m supposed to be having a baby right now like all my friends! Can we just hold on a goddam minute while I catch up!” It just made me see the world so differently and I don’t think I’ve ever fully got over that. Although, I did make a new life for myself.

And I think part of the difficulty and why I took so long to recover was my age, which I began to see as a failing (I was 30 at the time). I was suddenly single for the first time in my whole life, but I was 30. I had no idea how it would feel to be the only single person at friend’s weddings, standing in the sidelines of other people’s milestones and celebrating their life events while I was dying inside. Spending Saturdays or whole weekends alone. It wasn’t until I was 34 that I met this new man. I rarely meet men that I can spark with. I do go out a lot, don’t get me wrong, but I am not a fan of internet dating and the pure and simple fact is its a small fish pond just now (everyone married or taken). So when I met this recent man it felt like a gift, even though there were issues from the start as he was himself quite bruised from his own divorce. I felt chemistry and I thought “aha! That is what this feels like!” I’d forgotten all of that. I felt human again, that basic instinct we all have to touch and be touched. And then suddenly I was. And he was very flattering, and I know he tried his best, but he ultimately couldn’t commit to me. So I feel rejected again, and @Inky maybe you are right this is setting off emotional memories of the other great relationship trauma in my life. I was not 100% happy in this recent relationship but I saw such a potential and I feel upset and cheated it didn’t work out.

Either way, I am so grateful for this community. I wish I could see this last relationship in a mindful sense, as maybe some kind of learning experience. I am trying to look for silver linings. I am using everyone’s advice, around being worthy, but my own self worth is really, very knocked right now. I need my confidence boosted and my self esteem back, but I’m so scared because I don’t have another 4 years to ‘work on things’ so I’m maybe living in my fear rather than getting out of my comfort zone. I feel like my time is running out (bio clock). I’m trying not to wallow in my own pity party, really. It may not sound like that! I will try today do something to take myself out of this.

Thank you for listening.

Oh @inky thank you. I do get that, I really do. I have long given up on having the traditional everything- I think maybe what this recent situation has made me realise is that I actually want a partner. For some time post divorce I became obsessed with thinking about children, and I made up my mind that I would be having a child on my own. I just thought that would be the way it would end up for me.

I know it may sound ridiculous to have been thinking that at say 32,33,34, but I was. I think I now have a bit of perspective on what was going on there and it was more to do with me not wanting to think that i needed or wanted a man in my life, that I would and could do what I wanted, because (without being aware of it, this is something I’ve only realised recently) I was actually too scared to take steps towards anyone again in case they hurt me like he did. With this new man I was able to open up a bit and I now see I do have love to give, I do want to give it. I want to be loved also though, so pining for someone who isn’t able to give me the same does seem like a waste of energy. In fact the children thing can wait, as you say- and that feels like a revelation in my thinking about myself. Thank you @Inky. I have learned so much recently. I wish there was a way to fast forward and see how things end up, because if there was I think I’d be OK. Its the fear that it might not happen for me that is hard to “sit with”. Maybe I still need to do some reading on uncertainty.