“If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.” ~Mary Engelbreit
We all know at least one person who we think needs a self-help course or book more than we do. They’re the “wrong” ones, at least in our minds.
I once was in a relationship with a man who seemed to have placed me at the bottom of his priority list. He would always be too busy playing sports or going out with his coworkers to spend time with me.
I found myself modifying my weekend schedule to match his and becoming anxious when I wasn’t successful. Finding time to be with him had become a source of stress. I used to think that if he changed, our relationship would be perfect and my worry would disappear.
So I did what many of us do: I suggested he read books about how to be a good partner.
I expressed that I was feeling neglected in the relationship and assumed he would do something to make me feel better.
I tried to find solutions so he would be able to continue doing the activities he seemed to love so much and still have time to be with me.
In short, I placed all my attention on changing what he was or wasn’t doing. I blamed him for my dissatisfaction with the relationship.
Those were my big mistakes, because I’ve learned that the key isn’t to attempt to control other people’s attitudes or behaviors. The key isn’t to believe that they’re at fault for our negative emotions.
The key is to assume responsibility for our life circumstances.
I’ve developed a four-step approach that has helped me let go of the need to change other people:
Step 1. Awareness.
In a universe in which all of us are connected, your conscious and subconscious actions contributed the current state of your relationship.
You might have acted in ways that conveyed to the other person that he or she could treat you in disrespectful ways, or that you weren’t worthy of love and caring.
Becoming consciously aware of your thoughts and actions will allow you to ensure that everything you say and do (and let others do) is aligned with your values.
In my case, if I had become aware that being the last priority in a relationship was unacceptable, I would have exited the relationship before it negatively affected my emotional state.
Step 2. Growth.
Even if you think your contribution to the dire state of the relationship is only 10 percent, there is room for learning and growth.
What have you learned about your way of communicating with others? Are you assertive, or do you usually choose the easiest path of passive aggression, or even blatant aggression?
What have you learned about your way to react to unacceptable behavior? Do you express your boundaries, or do you seethe in silence hoping that the other person finally “gets it”?
What have you learned about authenticity and vulnerability? Do you honestly express your feelings, or instead complain about your situation to other people, but pretend everything is great when you are with the person who is the source of your complaints?
I learned that for me to be satisfied in a romantic relationship, honesty, commitment, and respect are paramount.
Step 3. Control.
After you’ve learned from a relationship, you must take ownership for your feelings about the other person’s behavior. It’s your choice whether to let the other person’s actions dictate whether you’re happy or not.
External occurrences are random and difficult or impossible to control, but your thoughts about your situation are your personal choice.
Now I know that when someone behaves in unpleasant ways, I have the power to continue enjoying every second of my life.
Step 4. Trust.
All human beings have access to the same fountain of wisdom, or human consciousness. This means that you need to trust that those around you will learn their life lessons at their own pace, whenever they are ready.
You need to remind yourself that it’s not your responsibility to show anyone what he or she needs to learn or to understand. As an innate teacher, this step was one of the hardest for me to take, but once I took it, I gained an amazing sense of peace that I wouldn’t trade for anything.
Being conscious of our own magnificence includes being conscious of the magnificence of those around you.
When people in our life don’t want to change, we change ourselves.
Photo by Michael Coghlan
About Cloris Kylie Stock
Cloris Kylie, marketing MBA, shows entrepreneurs how to create a strong marketing foundation and connect with influencers to grow a magnificent business. The bestselling author of Beyond Influencer Marketing and the host of "Beyond Influencer Marketing Podcast," she has been featured on network television, top-ranked podcasts, and YouTube shows and websites with millions of followers. Get her guide to connect with influencers at cloriskylie.com/influencer.
- Web |
- More Posts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I have been struggling with this for a while and only feel good now that I want to give up. When I consider sticking this marriage out I get the impression the person in question will continue their behavior. This website is great but people talk about relationships and never state whether or not they ended theirs. Is it faux pas? Every situations different but do the methods we employ work or just take our minds off of them and back onto us?
Cloris, great article, thanks!
Thank you so much! Hey, stay in touch via FB, Twitter, or by joining my online community 🙂
Thank you for your comment. It’s only when we take responsibility for what happens in our life that we have the power to change our circumstances. And this power might involve ending a relationship. In my book, “Magnificent…Married or Not,” I explain how we can still love a departing spouse without being married to them. I invite you to visit my site and check out some of the resources I offer. Main points I want to make: This is your life. It’s precious. Make sure what you do is aligned with your truth. Stay in touch (social media or website.) Blessings.
This is a tough issue. I’ve been going through some issues with my girlfriend. I tend to put the blame on her for poor communication. But then I also need to look at myself and my issues. After all, the Dalai Lama wouldn’t be bothered/hurt by my girlfriend’s words. So why am I???
After 26 years I left an abusive marriage when my husband told me, “I’ll never go to counseling. You’re the one with the problems.” I told him that I could no longer stay in the marriage if he wasn’t going to take responsibility for his behavior and work on our issues together. He then knocked me to the floor and started choking me. I escaped and he grabbed me and threw me to the floor again. I was in shock but realized he might kill me if I didn’t fight back hard . . . and I did and got away. I was going to counseling at the time and realized that the marriage was abusive from the start but he was so charming I didn’t recognize the emotional and verbal abuse for years. We have a son who was 6 years-old at that time and I did not want him to grow up living with abuse. I filed for a restraining order and went through hell (he had always told me, “if you ever try to leave me I’ll make your life a living hell.”) but that was 11 years ago. I’m remarried to a man who treats me as an equal and from whom my son and I have learned so much. I lost a lot monetarily but gained a life of love and respect.
It’s never easy deciding whether to stay or leave a relationship. My decision to leave was critical in my and my son’s well-being. Both people in the relationship must get their needs met. A friend was ready to leave her marriage because she focused solely on her husband’s short comings and his distancing behavior. As we talked further I realized he was in deep pain because he didn’t know how or if he could ever please her. He was also concerned about finances (she’d recently been laid off). She couldn’t recognize his pain through her filter of anger and frustration. After 4 hours of talking she got it. She wanted her marriage to work. She loves her husband. A few days later she contacted me to say thank you. Sometimes you have to be the one to step up first. If you’re the more emotionally grounded and aware, it’s often you. If you’ve not consistently approached your mate compassionately/softly they may not respond the first couple of times until they see that you’re truly committed. One thing to know is that if you leave this relationship EVERY relationship has it’s issues. My husband tells me that can do without most anything and survive but he cannot do without my love and affection. Another biggie for him is appreciation and being heard. This all sounds wonderful and simple but it’s not always that easy when life gets in the way. We get lazy. We forget what drew us together in the first place and let those things drop off.
I recommend you read, ‘The 8 Essential Traits of Couples Who Thrive’ by Susan Page and ‘Dare to Connect’ by Susan Jeffers before you give up. I wish you all the best . . .
Thank you so much for your contribution and for sharing your story.
Blame and being hurt by what others say or do is part of the human experience. I believe you’re a step ahead by becoming aware of your feelings and focusing on how you can react differently. When we practice constant awareness, the negative reactions tend to happen less often. I’m reviewing a book for Hay House right now called “Letting Go” by David Hawkins. I recommend it. I’ll post the review on my blog in a week or so. Check it out, and I hope it helps. Connect with me via social media or my site. Thank you!
I think your relationship with others tell you about the relationship you have with yourself. Most of the times when you try to change others.. that’s an issue what self-worthiness… what you think deserve and what you don’t!
Thank you for this post! I really needed this 🙂
I’m glad the article was helpful, Krishna! Many times we want to change others because it seems to be the easiest way to achieve happiness/peace. But trying to do so brings the exact opposite. I would say that the more we practice owning our current life challenges or situations, the easier it becomes. Hope you stay in touch via social media or my website!
How To Get Your Lover Back After Separation?(Dr Brave).
My name Lorna Harron i live in Canada i want to give thanks and i will always give thanks to Dr BRAVE who brought back my love that has left me for 6years within 48hours, i have said about this last week but i promised to always tell people about this every week end so that those that did not read about it last will read about it this week, i have been looking for how to get this boy back to my life because i love this boy with the whole of my heart, i could not replace him with any body,one day i was watching my television when i saw a lady giving thanks to Dr brave and telling the world how he helped her i was so shocked i could not believe it because i never taught that there are powers that can bring back lost love, then that was how i decided to contact him too because i do really need my love back,when i contacted him i told him everything and he told me not to worry that my love will surely be back to my arms within 48hours at first i could not believe because i was thinking how could somebody that has gone for 6years come back within 48 hours,so then i decided to watch and see,unbelievable within the next 48hours i got a call from unknown number so i decided to pick the call the next thing i could hear was my loves voice he was pleading and begging me on the phone that i should forgive him that i should forget all that have happened that he did not know what came over him,he promised not to leave for any reason, that he was really sorry for what he did,i was so surprised because i never believed that this could happen,so that was how i accepted his apology and the next morning he came to my house and still pleading for me to forgive him i told him that everything is okay that i have forgiven him, that was how we started again and now we are married, i promised to say this testimony in radio station, commenting this testimony is still okay but before this month runs out i promise to say this in radio station and i will,sir thank you very much.World please am begging you people to try and thank this man for me,or if you need his help here is his email address:bravespellcaster@gmail.com , you can still contact me through my email to know more about him.this is my email adress:bravespellcaster@gmail.com.
Thank you Cloris Kylie Stock for let me reading your story 🙂 All the best for you and those you love. Criss
There is nothing ‘wrong’ with you if you’re feelings are hurt by what someone says. How you deal with those hurt feelings is key in growing a relationship. Expressing how you feel from your point of view and asking to be heard is fair and even handed. Your girlfriend may feel the need to defend herself as most people lack the ability to listen without being triggered to some degree. It’s a skill worth learning and practicing because you’ll need it in every single relationship you have.
Wise words. Thank you for the comment!