Home→Forums→Tough Times→I feel lost and I'm not sure what to do, or what is normal.
- This topic has 4 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 5 months ago by Inky.
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May 20, 2014 at 2:30 pm #56659JobebeeParticipant
I, for some reason, wouldn’t like to say I struggle at the moment. I like In a nice middle-class with my boyfriend and his family. They are vey generous and help me as much as they can with any life decision, financially and sometimes even emotionally.
My struggle started when I was 3-4yrs, I was sexually abused. I dealt with it by bottling it up for around 12-13 years, until my sister told the family it had happened to her. She did not know it had happened to me and my other sister. Non of us knew what had happened to the other siblings. Thus, as you can imagine, the poo hit the fan and our family fundamentally fell apart. I had counselling, battled a eating disorder and depression for about 2 years. The counselling was brilliant and I came on heaps and bounds… after all life is amazing, you can’t be too sad for too long!
However, now and again I get really low, my fitness regime goes out of the window and I put on weight. My struggle is to fight this. I also have an odd attitude to sex. I am particular about when I want to do It and when I’m don’t want to. This tends to co-inside with my mood highs and lows mentioned before. My boyfriend shuns me when I do not want to have sex, he makes me feel bad about not wanting to, or not wanting to put on a show for him. I can kind of understand, as who wants a gf to be like that? it’s not ideal. Thus, I wish I was more free from this. I wish I liked it as much as other do.
To add to the basket I am also at a crossroads in my life. I’m not sure what I want to do now as the things I wanted to do, I did not qualify for. This makes me feel stressed, no good enough and a failure.
I’m not sure how to make myself feel better, and I feel silly and selfish as I’m not happy, yet I have a lovely lifestyle
May 20, 2014 at 6:28 pm #56668AlParticipantJobebe,
I am sorry for the atrocities you and your sisters suffered. No one should ever have to experience such experiences. I am glad, however, that counseling helped you bounce back.
The ‘now-and-again low feeling’ is quite normal. It is something we all experience. Harmony is something that requires a number of efforts to maintain. One of my teachers explained to me that it is because we lack a solid ‘life foundation’. Because we do not have (a) strong reason(s) or understanding(s) to maintain a positive outlook, our fortitude assuredly and ultimately fluctuates. He explained that we need an infinite power source to tap into; something that isn’t a ‘battery’ (which dies and requires repurchasing/recharging). As to what this source can be, it will vary for everyone. Personally, my power source is ‘the experience which is life’. Yes, quite corny, I will admit. However, I would find it too much of a shame to waste my life sulking or complaining or melancholic or despondent or anguished or miserable, etc….., when I’ve a life and a world to experience with my entire being. And, while true that life doesn’t only deal in positive experiences, if we come to the comprehension that negative experiences carry lessons to instill us with necessary wisdom, we then find that there is truly very little, or nothing at all, to shatter our foundations. I hope that in time you will find yours. And please do not feel dismayed if you have difficulty in establishing one. For, in fact, such a task should. Finding a creed, an absolute belief, should not be like going to the mall to buy a pair of shoes (though even I find that simple task to sometimes be overwhelming).
As for your boyfriend, I am sad to find that he shuns you when you refuse him his needs. I find his actions to be quite selfish. And by no means does this make you not ‘ideal’, therefore, be kinder to yourself and let go of this wrong notion. A woman should not make herself readily available at the random whims of a man. You are, after all, your own human being with your own beliefs, feelings and philosophies. I hope he can come to one day be of more understanding.
For your crossroad, it is understandable to feel at a loss. For, indeed, are we truly supposed to know our path? Our aim? The thing(s) we’re supposed to fall in love with? Additionally, when it comes to discovery, do you believe you’re at an impasse? Why, I’m quite sure that you’ve all the tools you need to explore and discover other wonders and passions that this world has to offer. Hence, do not overly grieve at being unable to do ‘one’ thing, for, if you open your eyes, mind and heart, you’ll perceive that you’ve the beautiful prospect of pursuing a ‘nearly endless’ other possible interests. Does not an adventure with multiple paths sound much more endearing?
I hope this helps and please excuse any grammatical errors I tend to make in long posts. We’ll be here for you should you need any more/other help. Namaste!
Al
May 20, 2014 at 10:35 pm #56728@Jasmine-3ParticipantThanks Al. What does Namaste mean ?
Hi Jobebee
What a brave girl you are !!! I would like to second what Al has shared here.
Listen, there is nothing wrong with you. You are a perfect creation of this Universe. What happened with you years ago was out of your control but you have dealt with that situation so well. Just so heartwarming to hear from you 🙂
You are NOT the only one to have an odd attitude about sex. I would like to believe from my experiences with people that most of us do. Hey, we are creatures who run on hormones. Some people have the desires all the time while others have intermittent desires based on hormonal activity, circumstances etc. There is nothing wrong with this. I am sorry that your partner makes you feel guilty about your level of activity. Can you talk to him about this ? If he doesnt care about your feelings then I think you may be hanging out with the wrong guy.
Keep focussing on your health and well-being. Exercise, good nutrition, good quality n quantity sleep, ME time = these are all needed to keep us functioning well. It is ok to have a break every now and then but please do come back to them quickly.
I agree with Al re: crossroads. Hey, nothing is permanent in this life. We come alone and go alone. What matters is that we enjoy our existence on this planet and take everything which comes our way with a big smile. There is no hard or fast rule about needing to do something. And if you didnt qualify for something doesnt mean that it is all or nothing. This could be a blessing in disguise. Something bigger or better is definitely waiting for you 🙂
Keep inspiring others with your story. You rock !!!!
J
May 21, 2014 at 2:46 am #56754JobebeeParticipantThank you both so much for your kindness and words of wisdom! I actually welled up a little reading both of your replies.
I think you’re both right about my boyfriend. He does lack understanding, however he was around when It all came out and his way of dealing with it was just to move on and that I should just move on and not let it bog me down. This is kind of true. I don’t want it to bog me down either, but I see it as something I have to consider and accept. I have talked to him about it in the past (about 2 years ago) and we nearly broke up (not because of it), in which I ended up feeling broken and ‘messed up’. Although I know myself pretty well, and I think I’m pretty okay considering! 🙂 Anyway, I tried to talk about it the other day and he said that it’s unfair that I use it against him and it’s a really low blow to use it as a reason to not ‘want to’. So basically, we don’t talk about it, I’m okay not talking about it (as I’ve dealt with the majority of it quite well and I understand it may be hard for him to hear- actually no one knows what actually happened… just that something happened), but I wish I wouldn’t feel bad when I say I don’t want to.
I just realised I’ve never written any of this down.
Before 2010-2011 my whole goal was to be the best. I worked so hard at college, fitness and eating well. But when It came out I was turned into a victim – not a survivor, which I felt I was before – how I saw myself changed and how others saw me changed. I lost all my confidence and had to re-build it all again. I had a couple of amazing friends to where and still are fantastic and I am so much better now. Looking back I am now a much more mellow and accepting person… maybe a little bit of a push over, but I can work on that. Anway, Would it be silly to say that my infinite source is now the Sea? All I know is that being out on the water is my overall most favourite thing. I feel at peace and whole.
Once again, thank you both so much for your thoughts and encouragement. I’m sending you lots of positive energy!
May 21, 2014 at 4:24 am #56760InkyParticipantHi Jobebee,
With your boyfriend, tbh, you might not be in the mood even if the abuse never happened! We women are a creature of moods, hormones, flow. This is why you love the Water Element so much. It’s who we are. It’s Us.
Anything that happened when we were children is never, ever, never our fault. But I hate the word “victim” only because of all the connotations associated with it. Children are divine expressions of Nature Herself. Things happen to us. We are placed in certain environments. We are pre-verbal. Any other small child would have experienced the same things growing up.
And, you are a survivor! My God, believe it! You are still here, aren’t you? Even to talk about it, write about it?
You are also not alone. Not by a long shot. The statistics on assaults and abuse of girls and women are shocking. Even here in developed countries. Even especially here in the US. When people hear or read your story, a third to a half is thinking, “Me too.”
A self or street defense class might be of interest to you. Now that you are an adult, this will help bring some of that confidence back.
All the blessings and love in the world,
Inky
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