Realizing I was someone's " Project Fix "

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This topic has 9 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 11 months ago by Inky.

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May 18, 2014 at 11:33 pm #56532

@Jasmine-3
Participant

Hi Zita

I am so happy for your transformation 🙂

If I were you, I would mind my own business and stay away from any form of contact with this ex. When we have clear boundaries for ourselves and others, we stay out of trouble. When there is no expectation, there wont be any disappointment. When there is no disappointment, there wont be any misery :). We are not here to fix anyone or let someone fix us. We are perfect as is and some know this as soon as they enter this world, while for others like us, we are learning as we grow from each experience.

Life is beautiful and enjoy that journey. Let him go and let him enjoy his journey. Offer prayers for him so that you can truly move on in life. Trust me as I say that in a few years, you will be laughing at all of this and making few beautiful babies with a lovely partner 🙂

Blessings,

J

May 19, 2014 at 4:16 am #56534

Inky
Participant

Hi Zita,

If you write back to him at all, I would say, “Everything’s great! So many new things going on, one day I’ll tell you all about it! Blessings! :)”

But that is purely, utterly, optional.

There was a line in an old movie: “I don’t want to hear from you. I want to hear about you.” Of course, he wants the opposite! He will find out for himself that you are doing just fine as you are, and just fine without him. Your silence is its own answer, after all.

Some people get angry when we bust out of the small box they have made for us.

Deep deep down he knows you are all that. It’s like in a martial arts class there’s always someone who has taken a class ten years ago and assumes their partner is new. So they try to “help” them. The partner politely listens, and goes along with it. But at the end of the class, everyone knows where everyone really “is”.

I don’t know you, but I can tell you are doing great!!

Best,

Inky

May 19, 2014 at 7:55 am #56544

Cyd
Participant

Hi Zita,

Yes I think your mind may be playing tricks on you in regards to emailing him and telling him about himself. In this regard, you are trying to justify yourself as being the victim and seek some closure and also make him feel as bad as he made you feel. I totally get this because I want to do the dame thing to my ex. I want to show them what they missed out on or how I still became happy after then when they thought I would not. They always felt I needed them and for once and for all I wanna show them that I don’t need them anymore but what will that prove. Wouldn’t they still be controlling my life and validating my self esteem if I feel I must always prove something to them. What it comes down to is loving yourself and being gentle to yourself and realizing that he was not the one for you. He could not love you how YOU needed to be love. Your relationship with him did not make you a better person like relationships should do. I understand the anger and it comes and goes as you remember moments of how you were treated so cheaply and do wrongly. I have those moments too. Whatever it is, remember you are worthy to be loved and treated with respect because YOU matter 🙂 Keep pressing!

May 20, 2014 at 11:07 am #56647

Kelly
Participant

Zita,
You’ve already received some great responses. I could personally relate to Cyd’s thoughts.

You may find this article helpful:

Telling Them All About Themselves – Why It’s Not Your Job To List Their Flaws and Crimes

I, too, would encourage you NOT to send the email. I know how tempting it can be, but I would put money on it that you will not feel any better afterwards, and in fact may feel worse.

Keep healing yourself, honey.

May 20, 2014 at 2:09 pm #56656

Mann
Participant

Zita,

It’s ultimately your decision to send an email response or not. But believe me, you will be VERY VERY HAPPY that you didn’t. As seconds, minutes, hours, days, etc. go by – you constantly change your perception about everything. Time not just heals, time – helps. As you continue your journey, there will be a moment when you will laugh at your past desire to respond.
A person can only hear and comprehend his own internal voice, including your ex.
You’re going through a tough time right now, and it’s not that your mind is playing tricks on you, but your ego (identity) is just in an defensive mode, as it always is. But don’t judge it, it’s just trying to help you.
Peace to you.

Mann.

May 21, 2014 at 11:41 pm #56821

Zita
Participant

Jasmine, your replies always put a smile on my face. I am learning to respect and create boundaries for myself and others. And I can already see the impact it has on me, things are so simple when boundaries are clear. And yes I did realize expectations are the core of my misery. It feels much lighter to have no expectations of anyone but myself. I did not contact or replied to him, even though my mind often takes me back to that urge and I can say not doing so is already making much difference. It takes me some time to comprehend the messages and register it in my mind. And the most awesome part is most people here gives a similar advice that I somewhere deep down, already know is the right thing to do. I often come back here to read all of your words over a few times and it helps me keep going. Many Thanks for your lovely prayers.

May 21, 2014 at 11:47 pm #56822

Zita
Participant

Inky you mentioned that some people get angry when we break free of the box they have created for us. It is true, the box can be created by them. But we choose to stay in it. Must be our short comings though right ?. I know I know lots of work to do for me:)

May 21, 2014 at 11:58 pm #56823
Zita
Participant
Cyd your words did resonate with me deeply. Just that overlying and overbearing feeling that takes me of track at times. That feeling of ” I wish I can make you understand what you did was soo wrong” – This takes over me so much, as much I try to resist, it persist. As the saying goes. And you are right, perhaps that will be seeking validation all over again but overtime your heart and mind gets so used to having that mentality that any chance you get calling for a change and anything that makes you look and feel powerful supersedes rational logic. I know it is none of my business to tell him what is wrong with him. But I have had that done to me for so long that my mind automatically reverts back to its egotistical ways.

Kelly Thanks for sharing the website. The author has pretty awesome practical and relatable insights. I loved it !!

Mann, It is my ego indeed. I do recognize it more clearly now than ever. It really seems like a work of a lifetime, my automatic way of thinking is defensive these days. But when I look at the bigger picture I do try to zoom out and snap out of the tiny details that were keeping me tied up in this vicious circle.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by Zita.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by Zita.
May 22, 2014 at 4:59 am #56837

Inky
Participant

Hi Zita,

Let’s say the mental box he had put you in was “This girl needs help”. If he’s the one helping, he must know what he’s doing, right?? LOL

Now, clearly, you don’t need help, but he has to be in the power position, so he texts to see how you “are”. Again, LOL.

Our Primal Selves always seek balance. You wanting to show him, “I don’t need you, numb chucks!” is just you instinctively seeking balance. In the reality, when you tell him or when he sees that, his common reaction will be to think, “Yeah, right!” to protect his mental status-quo. What he resists, persists, too! It goes both ways!

Mother Nature, Time, Karma, Dharma, common friends even down to FaceBook stalking will eventually, inexorably, put him in his place: Of no account in your reality.

Good for you for not replying!

Inky
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