fbpx
Menu

Reliving emotional pain when a connection fails

Home→Forums→Relationships→Reliving emotional pain when a connection fails

New Reply
Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • April 29, 2014 at 5:01 am #55560
    Inky
    Participant

    Some people may not like my advice, but it is the most real I can think of. The underlying thing behind your post is that you are in your mid-thirties. i.e. time is precious regarding starting a family.

    What I think happens is this: We as women wait to find that emotional connection and/or put up with a lot of abuse because we deep down want to have families and are willing to wait for a good thing OR put up with a bad thing.

    Why don’t you go on as many dates as possible? Hear me out: If you have 20 dates lined up, and someone connects with you, great! If not, you can swiftly cut your losses as you have 19 other people to meet. If the man knows you are circular dating, the message will be that you will drop him and move on if he’s not doting to you. Also, it gives you something to look forward to!

    Best of Luck!!

    April 29, 2014 at 5:22 am #55561
    Tinyzebra
    Participant

    Thanks for taking the time to respond. I just don’t know where those 20 dates are supposed to come from. And I do appreciate honest opinions, so I am genuinely grateful!

    My query in the immediate sense though is more around reliving old emotional pain etc….I’m just too anxious just now to even think about dates. How do you stop reliving the endless cycle of pain?

    April 29, 2014 at 5:30 am #55562
    Inky
    Participant

    There’s a book called Parallel Universes of Self.

    One of the techniques is to go to what I would call zero space/time where you’re at one with the universe/are the universe. Then you see yourself as what you want to be/with what you want to have/do/be. Look at this person. Then merge with her in your minds eye. This is your new reality. It’s as if this past didn’t exist. I put on music and spend 5-10 minutes meditating.

    I’ve tried this and it works (for me) not in a immediate ground breaking way, but real enough in a way that is a little spooky! (My son’s suddenly respectful, my mom starts talking freely about my father, etc.)

    Give it a try.

    P.S. Match dot com, set ups, meet ups, etc.

    April 30, 2014 at 3:02 am #55621
    Tinyzebra
    Participant

    Thanks Inkrid. I will try that. I am not really someone who meditates, but I like the idea of visualising who you want to be, what you want to have.

    The hardest part of this is the bit where I think “here we go again”. Its the emotions that are all recycling around me all the time and I’m having panic attacks. I’m trying really hard, walking, listening to music, talking to friends, and journalling. But it hurts a lot right now, not just dealing with the loss of something I thought might eventually be good (although it wasn’t good), maybe its the loss of hope that is affecting me the most? The old feelings of hopelessness are actually more familiar to me than feelings of hope, because I spent 3 years feeling hopeless. I wake up in the mornings feeling like its 4 years ago and I’m processing all this stuff from my past CONSTANTLY. Its breaking me, and I’m terrified. Has anyone else been through this in terms of reliving the past when things don’t work out?

    April 30, 2014 at 11:01 am #55633
    Inky
    Participant

    Yes, I have. I used to delve right into the yucky emotions. I spent all my free time listening to hopeless, gorgeous, depressing, brilliant songs/vids on YouTube. It’s as if I had to fully wallow in it 100%. Then, suddenly, I woke up one day and I was Done. I had no emotion left concerning It. I was, in fact, sick of It. Then, of course, I got new information concerning It that made me fell sorry and above Them.

    But seriously, get the book. I think it’s great.

    April 30, 2014 at 4:34 pm #55654
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi Tinyzebra,

    Ah yes old emotional pain. It is misery. Although I’m an older guy and therefore we’re quite different, I have had some heavy emotional pain myself, so I know something about what you are going through. I’ve struggled with how to manage it and I think I’m making headway.

    Inkrid’s idea of 20 dates sounds interesting for me a little down the road – I am not there yet. I’ll know when I get there. If I were forced I would no doubt survive, and might thrive. And the idea is that if you have say three great relationship options, you won’t crash if one walks away. I have not done this so I’m not qualified to talk about it. But if it’s like having three job offers vs. one and losing the one, I can see where I’d be less likely to have an “attachment” problem.
    As rational as that sounds based on what you wrote, that’s down the road for you too. In the meantime, I’m focusing on myself including being out in the community. While doing this, my confidence is rising noticeably. What do you think is happening? I feel much better about myself. And women are attracted to me. I am not approaching women they are approaching me. I’m still not dating. So what, you ask? Yes exactly so what’s next? What if as I’m feeling better about myself and am less about me and more about others, what if I were to meet someone while volunteering? Or at the gym? Or at Spanish meetup group? I’m thinking it’s easy to do emotionally and it’s something I want to do, where I might meet someone to date. At this point Inkrid and I are saying the same thing, I just offered my ‘how to’ that may or may not fit you. Just another perspective.
    Now, again, I am in a different situation with different life goals at this point, but would you agree that we are both equally worthy of loving ourselves and being in a loving relationship with a fitting partner? If you agree with me on that, I think you are on the right path … which ever and when ever you choose it. I think that’s a perspective that we can all live with.
    What do you think?

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by Big blue.
    May 3, 2014 at 1:52 am #55761
    Tinyzebra
    Participant

    Wow, thanks so much Big Blue and Inkrid for being kind enough to take time to respond to me. I mean that. It means a lot that a stranger somewhere else in the world is selfless enough to care.

    I also really appreciate the practical advice about meeting someone new. I think I am just at the stage where I am too sad about my loss just now. Although I did think yesterday that in fact this loss is the loss of hope, rather than the loss of a relationship that was making me happy, because ultimately it wasn’t and that’s why he is not here with me this morning. I know I deserve more than he was giving me. Or….Big blue you hit the nail on the head when you said “would you agree you are worthy”. Because actually I think the root of this fear of mine is that somehow I don’t believe I am worthy.

    This week has been a little easier. I had a cognitive hypnotherapy session to try to deal with some of my fears and anxieties, and it did help. Part of my problem I think is I need to be more loving to myself and to forgive myself. I see being single in your thirties and not having a family as some kind of mark of shame, and I feel like a failure. Which isn’t a start. So I am going to try and be more positive. I think I have some way to go. My inner voice is telling me I am not strong enough.

    Big blue I think you are right about just being out in the community and doing things you like. I’ve taken that on board and planned lots of things for today and I also find that just putting on a bit more make up or some lipstick or whatever can make me feel that bit more confident as I leave the house (when inside I am shaking with fear and having to breath deeply to even leave the house). I’m still quite scared about what lies ahead.

    May 3, 2014 at 6:58 am #55763
    Big blue
    Participant

    Tinyzebra,

    On worthiness, and also shame – of which I’ve had my share, this is an excellent talk. She is awesome and when you watch this once or twice you’ll see who else is 🙂

    Big blue

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.