“Genuine forgiveness does not deny anger but faces it head-on.” ~Alice Miller
I was quietly watching a documentary with my wife when the phone rang. An icy voice informed me that I was supposed to be at work at 6:00; it was already 7:00 PM. It was my boss.
Great, that’s all I needed—an unexpected night shift with a resented supervisor.
In my worst mood, I jumped in my pants at quantum speed and then ran toward the train station on the other side of the street.
Although the road seemed clear, a car was approaching and the driver didn’t see me. Blame it on the text-and-drive trend. Things went in slow motion, the car wasn’t going to stop, and I was right in front of it. I heard a screeching noise.
The driver, a guy in his thirties, had managed to stop just in time. His face was livid with shock, and he apologized as much as a man’s pride can decently allow it. But adrenaline had gotten me too furious to listen, and there I was, cursing the hell out of a dude I didn’t even know, very close to starting a fight.
Sometimes you wonder where so many years of meditation have gone…
Fortunately, I woke up to my senses. My rational brain got back in control; what was I going to do anyway? The poor guy had apologized, I didn’t get hurt, and no real harm had been done. I decided to give up and let him go.
Now I was alone in the street. Alone, late for work, and still mad. And I only had thirty minutes to blow off steam before starting my shift. It was time to recall what I had learned about stress reduction.
I’d like to share the mindfulness tricks that I used that day to recover from this short burst of insanity. I hope they inspire those among you who unleash the dogs of anger a little too quickly, like me.
Ground yourself.
When angry, stop whatever you’re doing and fully open up to your sensations. Give yourself a minute to experience the physical buzz of anger—shaking hands, cold sweat, racing heart. Breathe deeply and bring your awareness down to each part of your body.
Don’t worry too much if you experience confusion; meeting face to face with the brutality of anger is confusing. The first seconds of doing this exercise will be awkward, yet you’ll regain balance faster than usual.
Learning to reconnect mind and body is the simplest way to pacify yourself. If you train that skill often enough, it becomes a sane instinct that brings you back to normal quickly.
Watch the mental firework.
Anger is a red comet leaving a trail of resentful thoughts. It often stirs up your own habitual rumination, and it’s easy to let it carry you away. Just remember that mental agitation is totally harmless as long as you don’t follow it.
Let thoughts go, don’t engage in the “How could he be so…?” or “I should have told him…” type of thoughts. The chatter can happen without you, in freewheeling mode.
Inner peace is not so much a matter of keeping your mind quiet; it’s about how comfortable you become with your own thoughts, regardless of how inappropriate they sound.
Witness the show anger is giving and let it vanish slowly. Once again, it can’t harm you if you don’t take part in it.
Offer a little compassion.
The Buddha said that compassion is the best antidote against anger, but ideally you want to verify that claim for yourself. Your own experience will speak louder than a teaching given centuries ago.
When you’re upset, practicing compassion means having the curiosity to watch your pain and the pain of those who made you angry.
In my case, it was easy to relate to the distress of someone who almost ran over a pedestrian, even if I was the pedestrian.
To put it simply: slip your feet in the other person’s shoes and imagine how it feels to be in their position. It’s probably the best way to dissolve hard feelings.
Win by losing.
While we’re often advised to be “stronger than that,” the macho approach doesn’t work too well with anger.
Actually, anger intensifies when you try to dominate it. Your attempts at fighting aversion will strengthen it, so let it be.
And when I say let it be, I mean decide to lose the battle, surrender. It sounds obvious, but the key to serenity is to stop the struggle—including the struggle to feel peaceful.
I guess I should have started with that last piece of advice when scolding a car driver, on a nasty day. I’ll try to remember my own advice next time.
Photo by Minoru Nitta
About Gaël Blanchemain
Gaël Blanchemain is on a mission to promote personal and collective evolution. A Buddhist Monk for 10 years, he now continuously explores new ways to grow and shares bite-sized transformation tips on his blog: http://www.gr0wing.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
In my anger burst I always count to 10. That’s what I need to be rational against the odds that made me feel that way. It was a great reminder and advice from your side. Thank you Gael
We all know those times when we get cut up by another road user, someone who thinks it is their right to push in. I used to get angry like most people do, but then when you think about it, in the great scheme of things it is pretty insignificant, so I decided to smile at them and wish them the best in their day ahead. It is amazing the shift in the mind when we do the opposite to what we have been use to, it becomes a good experience instead of an anxious experience.
When we get angry we lose control, our breathing gets shallow, the blood pressure goes up and we lose all awareness. We all know that taking deep slow breaths will bring us back to the now, and it does work. Great post Gael.
“The struggle to feel peaceful” – what a great thing to think about, really!
When I was growing up any emotional outburst was “banned”. So now when I feel angry (which is rare) as a force of habit I tend to bottle down that emotion which can tear anyone apart, easily. So I guess I can say, I know what it’s like to “struggle to feel peaceful” on the surface when in a meanwhile a mini revolution is happening inside…
Thank you, Gael! Amazing peace and a real eye-opener…
Gael, thank you for the helpful tips, I really appreciate it.
Earlier today, I got angry with my fiancee. Of course I’ve experienced all kinds of unpleasant sensations (racing heart, shallow, breath, dizziness), but for once in my life I decided not to let it rule the outcome of the argument. I just took them for what they are: physical response to my feelings. Then I also decided to ‘give up’, or, I like your term better – choose to lose. We agreed that we have different points of view and I was happy for choosing to let it go.
nicely written!! i agree when we are angry we always need to calm our self down. 🙂
Thank you for a great post. This is a practical way to introduce mindfulness.
Hey Nikola, I wish I could even count when I’m mad! There is a distortion in the way time passes, though, I try to use it in the face to face with anger, really feels like an arm-wrestling session sometimes 🙂
Thinking back you’re right. For some people (including me) the practical approach is a convincing introduction to the theory.
Thanks 🙂
I’m glad to hear that you’re training the art of patience. This time you totally made it happen.. I often try to keep quiet, very often I end up bursting out, yet every second spent in a state of awareness is a step forward.
Thank you, Lesya 🙂
Obviously, we had a radically different upbringing: in mine, keeping emotions to oneself was a huge no-no! Yet, in the end, I also have to develop a healthy relationship with anger. I guess the disruptive nature of this emotion makes it tough to deal with…`Whatever your background.
Thanks!
Thanks, Robert 🙂
I can totally relate. Denial of emotions is the shortcut to trap yourself in the show. Everytime I’m stressed, angry, or sad i do my best to remember Huxley’s words: “attention” “attention” “what are you feeling right now?” It all starts with surrender to oneself and “see”, if only for a moment, whatever we believe we are feeling. Not in the rational way “oh, i feel this because…” but in the compassionate way “oh, i feel this since…” The first one gives you excuses to continue feeling how you feel, the second one provides solutions to stop suffering. Once you admit whatever you are feeling to yourself, it goes away as fast as it came. I loved the insight about inner peace, i’d never thought of it that way. As always, thanks you for sharing your life wisdom.
Hey, I had recently couple of situations where the anger was building up slowly from the frustration. All of sudden I would realise, I am suppee angry and hating every step I have to take to retreat from the mountain(this after great few hours of high altitude skiing). Anyway, here I was, boiling and nobody around to release my anger on. It took me good one hour of this “pressure cooker” experience before I remembered and told myself- “I can be angry! I do not have to always accept and like everything. The pain of this descent is natural. Do not expect to always feel fine. Do not feel guilty when you feel bad in a situation others would judge as priviledged.”
The funny thing is- the anger would not dissolve. There was just that much more inner space that was available and I could indulge in the physical and mental theatre the anger organised for me. And all of sudden I had nice and gentle conversation with a guy that was plodding uphill in this difficult terrain with the skis on his back and we were laughing about how every step if “F….. Nightmare” 🙂
I am glad when years of meditation training kick in and show the benefis but I am equally amazed how much time I can spend in an inner fight before this happens…
I love your inner peace description!
I never thought of getting in tune with my senses when I am angry. I get angry a lot, over small things, I have triednto calm down by ignoring the thoughts but it never lasts long. If i really think and feel everything that happens when I get angry, control those sensations, I think it could be a longer lasting behavior modifier, thank you!
Yeah, anger is hell of an enemy sometimes.
Excellent article. Watching the mental framework is something we should all be doing more actively. I’ve seen people work themselves into a frenzy just from replaying internal monologue. I’m sure we all have. And how many times have you been washing the dishes and silently cursing your roommate for not being more helpful (or something similar)? We all believe that thinking accomplishes something, but the majority of the time it’s just noise. Honestly, if the brain were a third party entity we would hate that thing and want to be away from it. Imagine what you say to yourself coming from another person! When I do this exercise now, most thoughts that I had considered so very important before just seem ridiculous. That thought that I have had for the fifteen hundredth time isn’t so important, it is annoying. I used to have bad anxiety, but due to meditation, that little voice has quieted and, frankly, I don’t miss it one little bit!
One little annoying thought… Blanchemain, You have weird work shifts. You were an hour late, but you had 30 minutes before your shift started? I want that job! =P
As someone who has a ‘short-temper,’ as well; though tends to cool off quickly (but, often the collateral-damage is done by then), this is something to be more mindful of…Thank you for sharing! 🙂
Btw; didn’t know Buddhist Monks could get MARRIED? 😛
Sounds humble coming from a dude that sat on his butt meditating for 3 years straight, but I’ll take your word for it. Needless to say that for me, anger still shows up, with bells and whistles, in its full glory!
Thanks, Dee 🙂
Hey Delmy, didn’t know about that quote form Huxley, thanks for sharing…and for encouraging me 🙂
And it’s also tough to get in contact with anger: it feels bad in the beginning, it feels evil! Yet, since it’s not real, you’re not running any risk. Quite paradoxical.Thanks for sharing your experience, Ashley.
Hi Gael, Thanks for sharing the thoughts, they are really helpful. I need one help, there is one incident happened and Iam so frustrated. My friend forgot to bring her ID proof on her Masters exam and the examiner humiliate her badly told her to bring the proof after the exam over, But while she was giving her exam everytime 10 mins he come and humilite her. She herself is a teacher. She called me and we went to the college office to give them the ID proof and tell them how that examiner behaved with her. 4-5 people were sitting in the office and me and my freind started telling the management how this examiner behaved but they took his side. The matter ended and we came back. But im still angry on that person. I don’t know how to release that anger.