“Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response.” ~Mildred Barthel
I used to think he was out to get me. The man of my dreams was continually plotting to undermine my happiness in countless ways, all for some mysterious reason I couldn’t comprehend.
“Can you give me a ride to work today?” He missed his shuttle on the morning I had my first speech, a forty-five-minute drive in the opposite direction. He obviously didn’t want me to succeed in my career.
“Are you wearing that tonight?” Oh great, just before we go out to meet friends for dinner he wanted to throw off my confidence in how I looked. Did he think I was getting fat?
“Can you come help me with this?” Couldn’t he see that I was in the middle of a relaxing Saturday morning, my first bit of sanity after a very stressful week? He must not care if I got any down time, though you could bet he’d be sitting on the couch watching golf all afternoon.
A lot of my time was spent stewing, working over these scenarios and replaying them in my mind. Overthinking was my specialty, my calling card in life. I prided myself on seeing things other people missed, reading between the lines to get to the “real” meaning.
These little bits of drama took a lot of mental effort for me to concoct, but after a while I became really good at them. I could summon up a motive from his every glance or change of tone, sometimes simply from thin air.
Nevermind that I still considered him my dream man, just one with the not-so-adorable quirk of trying to undermine happiness.
What did that say about me?
Like most of my uncomfortable feelings, I pushed these thoughts down, working to keep things cool on the surface while I boiled underneath.
Life kept moving forward, and then one day my brother had a heart attack. A year later, a friend had a brain aneurysm. Both survived, but it changed our mindset about time and dreams.
We decided to sell everything we owned and travel the world, taking our retirement dreams and living them at midlife instead, when we had the health and energy to enjoy them. It was a beautiful time, planning our grand adventure and then stepping into it together.
But still, I had these nagging thoughts about him and his continued efforts to rob me of my happiness, even as we were living out our biggest dream. Looking back, it was pure insanity.
“I read about this site in Northern Peru that’s supposed to be really cool. Want to go there next instead of Machu Picchu?” He knew I was dying to go to Machu Picchu. Why would he try to take that away from me? He didn’t want me to be happy.
“Why don’t you write in the early mornings so we still have the days to explore Edinburgh together?” He knew I wasn’t a morning person, so why would he ask such a thing? Because he was a morning person, that’s why. He thought I was lazy.
“I’ve been editing the podcasts and you say “this and that” a lot. It detracts from the message. Can you tamp it down?” Hey, I just got a compliment from a guest on my radio voice. Why was he nitpicking like that? He couldn’t stand it that someone said something nice to me.
None of my thoughts were said out loud, but they did needle at my happiness in small bursts multiple times a day. We were rarely apart in this traveling lifestyle, especially when we started publishing books and podcasts together, and I found an ulterior motive in almost everything he said. Over time, my brain almost melted at the continuous effort required to read into his every word. It was a full-time job.
Then a very big fight happened, one of those life-changing arguments, and I let the cat out of the bag. He was stunned.
“Of course I’m not out to get you. I love you.”
At the end of all the harsh words and tears this was a revelation, an insight into this years-long issue in our relationship.
It wasn’t him; it was me.
All those years of reading between the lines, a skill I’d honed since childhood, kept me from seeing reality. I was ignoring the black and white meaning of what he said in favor of some imagined murky gray story with no basis in fact.
My writer’s mind was altering my own life story, as it happened, without the consent or knowledge of the other main character. I was changing a light-hearted romance into a mystery and painting my husband as the bad guy.
In the aftermath of the very big fight, we agreed to always assume the best intentions of the other person, no matter what words were chosen in the delivery. Instead of picking apart how it was said, we would focus on where it came from, which was always from the heart.
Questions were encouraged. Clarification was required. No guessing games allowed.
It was surprising how fast this one change impacted my outlook. I stopped spinning crazy stories in my head and focused on the moment, what this man who loved me was trying to convey. When I didn’t understand, or the understanding I had was negative, I asked for clarification.
He always freely gave it.
He wanted to see everything in the world with me. He wanted me to have time to write, but also to play together. He wanted the work we produced to be as professional as possible, and he knew we both had quirks to overcome.
The meaning was there in plain sight, in the honesty of his words. He wanted the best for us in everything, as anyone in love would.
He wasn’t out to get me. He was out to love me, to share a life with me, and all I had to do was take him at his word.
The day we vowed to always assume the best intentions in each other was as powerful as the day we vowed to be together forever. And it makes honoring that marriage vow a lot more enjoyable.
How to Train Yourself to Assume the Best Intentions
1. Every single day, compliment or thank your partner for something they’ve done.
Make gratitude for what they do right an everyday thing and the occasional slipups will not seem as big. It also reinforces positive behaviors, making them more likely to continue.
2. When your partner says or does something that rankles you, first stop and ask yourself if a stranger in the room with you right at that moment would have the same reaction.
If you’re overthinking, you will have added layers of meaning that aren’t there. But if you look at it from the outside, it’s a more realistic version of events. It will help center you.
3. If all else fails, ask for clarification.
“I may have taken this the wrong way. Did you mean X?” This gives your partner the chance to clear it up right away, before you’ve had a chance to concoct a story in your head.
It will take some time to train yourself from overthinking and reading between the lines, but it can be done. And you (and your partner) will be happier because of it.
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Editor’s Note: Betsy has generously offered to give away two copies of her new book Married with Luggage: What We Learned about Love by Traveling the World. To enter to win a copy, leave a comment below. You can enter until midnight PST on Monday, Monday, April 28th.
Update: The winners have been chosen: ccrgirl and Joy Olson.
Photo by Peti Morgan
About Betsy Talbot
Betsy Talbot and her husband Warren are the authors of Married with Luggage: What We Learned about Love by Traveling the World. To celebrate this new book, they’ve partnered with Eurail to give one lucky couple two first-class train passes to experience the romance of Europe. Could it be you?
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Wow this is me! Thanks for writing this. I used to think it was always the other person, maybe it’s time for me to work on me!
I am so guilty of doing this too! I can be quite sensitive to criticisms or even suggestions partly because I’m hard on myself already. I will try to use your strategy over the weekend and see how it goes. Thanks for the idea!
Thank you for your insight. I often find myself doing the same exact thing. I’ll be discussing this with my soon-to-be hubs tonight!
I have done this more times than I’d like to admit. Honestly, reading this felt like I was reading a letter from a wiser, future version of myself! Thank you so very much for your insight and candor.
Hi, Michelle. I hated admitting this to myself! But ever since I did my life and relationships (not just my marriage) have drastically improved. And I’m a little less preoccupied with what’s wrong and able to focus on what’s right. Good luck to you!
Michele, if you can get this sorted before you get married, you’ll be 10 steps ahead of the rest of us! 🙂 Smart woman.
Hi, Janelle. I’ve been training myself to step to the side of a criticism, almost as if it is a real thing and I’m observing it. It helps me to not take it as an ego hit and more of just a comment I can either use or discard. Good luck trying this out this weekend!
Hi, Jessica. I used to ask myself why everyone was like that, and then I realized the common denominator in all those situations was…me. It was a painful realization, but it has opened me up to a greater happiness as a result. I wish the same for you. (Though sometimes, let’s face it it is the other person! But even then, I’m much less stressed by giving them the benefit of the doubt, so this strategy works both ways.) 🙂
This was me. I had experienced a relationship where there really were double meanings in much of what was said, and I trained myself to be hyper-vigilant as a form of self protection. Blessedly, I’m now in a relationship where there are no hidden agendas. We both say what we mean, freeing both of us up to take each other at face value, and it’s such a beautiful thing.
Great ideas! I plan to share this article with my clients who are struggling with relationship issues. Thanks!
so true, I do this all the time.
Interesting look at the things we do to sabotage our relationships and how simple the solutions and happiness usually are.
Wow, I’m speechless and SO thankful for how you spelled this out. I have been doing this for years, even though my husband has asked me to assume the best in him. Thank you for sharing your struggle, to help me, to help others. xo
Beautiful insight! Thank you for sharing!
Just the article I needed to read today! Every single day, I assume my partner has some secret agenda or that he doesn’t respect me when he forgets about the deal or just postpones it. I fuss over small stuff and this morning I’ve decided to give him a benefit of the doubt and try to take it easy. I appreciate your advice 🙂
It’s funny hpow it always comes back to a few things when we boil everything down. Trying not to make assumptions is one of my major battles. You hear something and immediately take it as a slap at you instead of truly listening, asking, and understanding.
This is an absolutely fantastic article on a topic very dear to my heart… or perhaps ‘dear’ is the wrong word! Thank you for this wonderful reminder.
It’s also encouraging to know that other people struggle with this, too.
This is a great point, Mani. If you’re with someone where you can’t assume the best intentions – you know for a fact it isn’t true – then that’s a pretty good reason to leave. Why be with someone who doesn’t always want the best for you? Good for you for finding a more mature relationship!
Thank you so much for this post and telling us about your journey of learning to assume the best intentions. I have always been like you – skeptical of others who love me and I admit that I do this to my husband as well. Your posting has made me realise that I do need to work on asking more clarification and not jumping to the assumption that people are out to stomp on my happiness. I would love to win a copy of the book! Again,thank you for the enlightenment.
Hi, Erika. It’s such a small adjustment in thinking, but to be able to see it in yourself is huge. I hope this helps you as much as it has helped me!
Hi, ccrgirl. Isn’t it strange how we think our partners are out to get us? When I look back, I realize how ridiculous it was, but in the moment it felt so right. I hope this gives you greater happiness. 🙂
nicely written loved your Article Betsy
Hi, Jeff. It’s a defensive posture, for sure, and I still struggle with various aspects of this. It’s even harder when you’re in love with a blunt communicator. 🙂 But just having the realization that I *could* be overthinking has helped me…awareness is the first step! And followup questions are the BEST for your and my kind of defensive responses. Better to nip those false assumptions in the bud than to let them spin out of control. Good luck!
Sarah, this is my favorite thing about the internet – finding other “freaks” like me. It’s always easier to deal with issues like this when you can find someone else working through the same thing. 🙂
Hi, P8n8lop8, followup questions have been the key for me. “What kind of reaction were you looking for when you said/did that?” This usually tells me that he had a far different intention that I took, or it opens the door to talking about why those words/actions are inappropriate going forward. Either way, it’s a win for the relationship.
Your article really resonates with me, Betsy, thank you so much for sharing your story so fearlessly and lovingly. In recent months, I have become much more observant of the unconscious programs that have been running my mind, most of which jump to negative conclusions about what was meant, said or done by my other half. I have recently met someone new, who has been a huge catalyst for me in so many ways – and of course I’ve just been waiting for everything to go wrong, and for my prediction that it’s too good to be true to become true. Your story is yet another confirmation that I am on the right path to doing things in a different way. I still have those niggling doubts and negative thoughts, but now I see them for what they are, as though I am one step removed from them and I am not as identified with them as I was. As you say, it’s a work in progress, and takes a huge leap of faith and trust (primarily in ourselves that we are worthy of love), but this is exactly what I needed to hear today. Thank you 🙂
This was a wonderful article! I try and share my appreciation for my partner everyday, but we are long-distance and sometime the intentions can be hard to interpret over the phone. The one thing that has helped out relationship grow is #3 on this list – ask for clarification. If you don’t know, just ask. I try to never assume that my partner knows what i’m thinking or how I interpreted something (no one is a mind reader after all). Such a wonderful read. Thanks again for reinforcing such great guidelines in relationships!
I loved this article… this sounds exactly like me… I really need to learn what you have learned because I think this could help me to be happy with life instead of resentful. Thank you!
This is fascinating. I find that I do this with my mother-in-law, and I suspect I am over-thinking much of what she says. I will be more attentive now, and will ask for clarification if I think I am on that slippery slope.
This is amazing and wonderful and just….WOW. I have learned so much just from this little heartfelt story. Thank you.
I really needed to read this. Thank you!
Thanks, Betsy – a wonderfully engaging read, and thoroughly loved it. Am also very interested in the fact that facing mortality and travel were such significant parts of your story – the impetus you felt to live well whilst you can, and that something which is often a vehicle for one’s own personal growth proved to be one for your relationship too. These “hidden meanings” and over thinking are something I can really relate to… and I know it’s ultimately all coming from me and my own fears of being good enough. Tough habit to break though! Trying to just get up and “be love” over and over, each and every day.
Hi everyone and Betsy,
I really want to thank you all deeply for sharing your experience on this topic. I thought it was just me :’) and What Betsy wrote is exactly the same precise things happened to me.
I had my first relationship ever and i really want to keep our relationship. But this over-sensitivity has been stealing my joy over the months, makes me keep thinking that he might not be the one, based on all those things he said or do. And it really drives me crazy, because it has given me too much things (worried) to think about.
Again, i feel thankful to stumble across this article. I really do want to fight into a better person. Hopefully I can progress quickly and well.
To all of you out there who is at the same condition, let’s learn together 🙂
Cheers from Singapore!
THANK YOU for this. My writer’s brain gets me in trouble the same way. I know I’m overthinking, but didnt have an action plan until reading this article!! This is exactly what I needed today. 🙂
Gee…. I’ve never thought of that kind of question! That is the best solution for my current situation!!! Aaa thank you! Thank you!
Thank you for this article, Betsy. It was great! I overthink just about anything and everything and this past year have been working hard to reduce the occurrence of that tendency.
Growing up I was given many double messages. A family argument that would leave me incredibly concerned would result in me expressing this concern only to get a “its fine” even though hings weren’t. There was a double message for everything! I have been following some of the recommendations you had mentioned for the past year now and its amazing how much more enjoyable things can be when you take them for the surface value they were intended.
I am guilty of overthinking or analysing people’s motives, especially in romantic relationships. I am adept at weaving stories to suit my suspicions whilst conveniently ignoring the parts that don’t fit. Thanks for the tips. I will try to remember to implement them in future :)x
You wrote about me, I am the ultimate overthinker. Especially being in a relationship with a flat communicator, I always look for the extras and at least 50% of the time I’m wrong. You’ve provided some very good lessons in stepping back and letting things just be. Thank you.
Agree that it’s really a tough habit to break! But we can do this 🙂 to give love more and more. Let’s fight for it! 🙂 good to know there’re others who are having the exact thoughts and condition hehehe….
Thanks for sharing too!
This is a great reminder, whether you are in a relationship or not. It carries the assumptions or stories we create about most people in our lives. When in relationship with another it is good to remember there are 4 people involved not just two: the person you facing with their idea of who they are and the person you have created in your mind. This is the same for the other person, they are are also dealing with two people. This makes your advice to assume the best intention very valuable.
What a fantastic article. As many other commenters have said, I struggle with this as well. I have had a number of dysfunctional, unhealthy, and even downright emotionally abusive relationships. I feel like I am still “deprogramming”, if you will, from those experiences. I met the man I consider my soulmate last year and I’ve found that some of this thinking still leaks in here and there, but luckily my partner is incredibly loving and patient with me, so we’re working through it together. Thank you for sharing your story, Betsy, and your insight with similar experiences.
I loved this article, definitely what I needed to read this week. Thank you for sharing, would love a copy of her book. Thank you, Stacy
This is such an inspirational article. Thank you so much! I love knowing my brain isn’t the only one that will wander off down the crazy trail if left unattended. Can’t wait to read your book – Sounds like something my partner and I have talked and fantasized about forever!
Such a great reminder to have the best intentions in mind when listening to those around us. Thanks!
Wonderfully insightful, Lauren, and interestingly enough, I too experienced this “mixed message” phenomena growing up. I think when one’s instinct tells us all isn’t okay but parents (with all best intentions, and no doubtedly to protect) say, “it’s fine”, it creates an environment in which intellect and analysis run into overdrive, and to desperately try and reconcile the conflicting truths. If makes me wonder how different things could be if we say to our children, “no darling, it’s not right or okay, but we’ll do our best anyway”. I certainly think that would be a great foundation foundation for empowerment, and trusting one’s ability to withstand discomfort and respond to what life brings. Pretty potent life skill, don’t you think?
This was great. I related SO much to everything you said about how you used to react to your husband’s comments. I too am an over-thinker and it definitely makes my relationship suffer. Moving forward, I’m going to try to always remember to ask for clarification. Thanks for this!
I have been an overthinker for decades — most of my life! In the past 10 years, I too began to understand it was all about me and my reactions, not about the other person at all. As I softened in my responses to my partner, as I began to trust his intentions and ask for clarification on the chosen words, our relationship began to bloom in whole new ways. Who would have thought that after 44 years of marriage, we are closer, more comfortable and more excited about being together than ever! Now, when I hear what he says and feel “prickly”, I am quick to something like, “wow, that is making me feel uncomfortable. Can you tell me what you mean so I can better understand?” He doesn’t get defensive, and when he has mis-spoken in a hurtful way unintentionally, he is quick to fix it. We don’t fight anymore about anything — what a beautiful way to live!
Great article! I have definitely been guilty of this. I would love to win the book; my boyfriend and I just made the decision to get serious about our two year plan of sellings the house, saving, and then traveling and are now taking our first steps towards all of that! The book, and any suggestions, would be much appreciated 🙂
Definitely!! I can say with some certainty that it would probably lead to increased trust in internal and external relationships; In knowing that “things aren’t necessarily fine but we’ll get through them” you learn to trust your instincts through affirmation rather than question them….which is one huge thing that will suit you internally and in your relationships with others. I think because of my parents message, however unintentional, I learned to question my thoughts because in those instances they were “wrong”. Twenty five years later and I’m just now beginning to tie all of this together….at least things make sense now. Oh what a tangled web we weave.
I’m going to share this story with my boyfriend and have us take the vow as well. This has been a very eye opening article for me. It’s like you were inside my head. We’re in a long distance relationship and it’s been very hard as he has such a crazy schedule and we don’t talk often as I’d like but I do know we love each other. We’ve loved each other for 10 years and haven’t been together for most of it. We broke up 8 years and got back together recently. Thank you for your article.
I’d love to win this book.