TRIGGER WARNING: This content deals with an account of sexual abuse and may be triggering to some people.
“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” ~Maria Robinson
My uncle molested me from the time I was about four until I was in my early twenties. He held me too long and hugged me too tight. He would growl in my ear like an animal in heat, his warm, wet, often alcoholic smelling breath overwhelming me.
This is how he greeted me at every occasion. When I was really small, I almost looked forward to seeing him because I liked the attention and believed he loved me, although deep down inside, I always felt as if I were doing something wrong, something naughty.
As I grew, he began to grope my ass through my clothing while he whispered in my ear. He would tell me that I was sexy as he growled and hugged me tighter, pressing me up against his body. Much to my horror, I was aroused.
I was aroused by my uncle. “MY UNCLE!” I would think to myself. “What on Earth was wrong with me? Surely something was gravely wrong with me to be aroused by my own uncle.”
I wasn’t even sure of what arousal was at that point and only in retrospect could identify what I was feeling. I didn’t have a name for sex at that age, but I could feel it and knew it was wrong deep down in my belly. I felt wrong.
He was an adult. He was my uncle. He loved me.
I felt the problem was surely mine and would chastise myself as disgusting and dirty. I kept my secret close. I assumed the other members of my family knew of his behavior and that he was normal. He didn’t try to hide it, or so it seemed to me.
He acted out all the time. He was loud, erratic, and verbally abusive. His behavior was blamed on his drinking and the fact that he was an eccentric artist who simply couldn’t control himself.
This was the way it was. This was the way it was to be.
When I was a teenager dancing at a wedding, he told me seductively that he wanted to “make love to me.” I laughed, deflecting his advance as he pulled me in tighter. He had told me that he wanted to have sex with me.
I knew it was true. I wondered if I would have the strength and courage to say no. I felt the planes and curves of his entire body pressed into mine on that dance floor as I drifted up above, looking down from a cloud, wondering how I might ever escape myself.
It was only in my late teens that I began questioning if my sickness wasn’t possibly in part his sickness, because in every book that I read and every movie that I saw, I searched but could not find a relationship like the one I had with my uncle.
I would wait for the scene in a movie between two related people to become romantic. When it never did, I began to wonder if that bad, ugly feeling in my belly had been trying to tell me something about him.
I cried to my boyfriend night after night, because the more emotionally intimate we became, the harder it became for me to be physically intimate with him, and he wanted to know why I was in such pain.
After a Thanksgiving dinner accompanied by my uncle’s raucous behavior and inappropriate advances, my boyfriend insisted on confronting my father. To my shock, my father claimed that he had no idea of my special relationship with my uncle. He never would have guessed.
No one knew but me.
I simply never imagined that I would be in the position of having to defend myself. My uncle had been so free in his behavior with me. It never occurred to me that he would deny it.
He denied it, as did his wife and the entire side of the family that accompanied him. Not only did they deny it, they threw accusations at me.
“Crazy. Depressed. Liar. She’s unable to interpret harmless behavior.” They defended his honor as husband, father, and grandfather with vigor as if he were a hero—someone to be lauded, not disparaged and blamed with this filth.
My father had confronted him and relayed the information to me. I did not have the courage to confront him myself.
Just as I never dreamed I would need a defense, I never dreamed of how many would accuse me. Even my own brother sided with them, and my father would soften my uncle’s blame with statements like “he didn’t mean to hurt you.”
I wanted to scream so loud the heavens would respond. Cry so long my eyes would bleed into pools of blood around my feet on the floor. Vomit up every one of my organs in sheer disgust.
But what they didn’t understand is that the blaming, name-calling, and crafting of an airtight defense against me were all unnecessary. I wanted nothing from any of them. I did not want an admission. I did not want an apology.
I did not want revenge.
I did not want him grabbing my ass at my wedding. I did not want to have to explain to my someday husband my “special” relationship with my uncle. I did not want him to have access to the children I would someday have.
I wanted him to reconsider his behavior before his son’s newborn baby girl, the first girl born into the family since my birth, turned four. I did not want to ever see his disgusting face again. I did not want to feel anymore that sick, dark pain deep in my belly as he touched me.
I did not want him to touch me again, ever. I wanted my future to be different from my past. That is all I wanted.
And I got it. I never saw him again. I turned and walked away from all the disbelievers and my uncle the molester.
I found people who did empathize and help me heal. I faced the truth of what had been done to me and got the help I needed to go on to live a healthy, normal existence. In doing so, I learned that it is common for families to turn on abuse victims and believe the abuser rather than the abused.
Were you abused? Did you speak your truth, and no one believed you? Did you speak your truth and experience the pain of even one person doubting you?
If you were abused and someone, anyone, didn’t believe you, know that I do. I believe you. I stand with you, and for you, in the small way I can.
Speaking the truth after being abused takes incredible courage and strength. I am proud of you. My story can be your story.
We can be victorious together as survivors. I am a survivor. You are a survivor.
We are stronger for having survived. We stand together triumphantly and move forward, bravely living abuse free lives.
If you have been abused or are currently a victim of abuse and have not yet spoken out, I urge you to reach toward a safe person and speak your truth. You too are strong and courageous and deserve to live an abuse free life. Stand with me, no longer a victim but a survivor.
Start today and make a new ending.
Photo by Cornelia Kopp
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Your courage and strength is truly commendable. I have not
personally experienced these horrors, but I have a couple close people in my
life who have and have opened up to me about it. Fortunately, this abuse does
not persist anymore and these dear people to me are in better places in life
now. To hear about things like this brings disgust in my own stomach, but to
hear people who can tell their story in hopes of reaching out to someone else
who is going through the same thing is amazing. We usually feel too ashamed to
tell about our life’s troubles, but every once in a while, I see strength in
someone’s eyes and I see hope. And that means everything. Thank you for sharing
your story.
Thank you. I believe it is important to share this story so that others experiencing the same thing might become empowered enough to reach out for help. That is my greatest hope. Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
Much Love,
AmyKate
Thank you for sharing this experience. You are so courageous and I am so glad that this website published it. I did not have a personal experience in this area but it is so helpful to me because I have children and want to be aware. Amazing piece. Wishing you the best of everything…: )
Being aware is the best way to protect your children so good for you! Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
Much Love,
AmyKate
To Any Readers Out There!! There is a Mistake in the Bio. MY CURRENT WEBSITE IS http://www.NoLongerHidingOut.com. COME VISIT ME THERE!! MUCH LOVE, AMYKATE
my god. I am living this right now, about my brother (I am a 48 year-old man). I tried to speak my truth and my father insisted I not tell my mother because it would be “too much for her.” my parents were a large part of the problem, a dynamic that continues to this day. thank you for sharing your story and helping me feel less alone.
You can’t change people and you can’t force them to see your truth. I have had to move away from people because of this fact. It is EXTREMELY painful that maintaining a veneer could be more important that someone’s love or concern for you. I am so sorry that you are experiencing this right now. My eyes are tearing up writing this. I hope you find your way to some people who can support you in your truth and not ask you to live a lie for them.
Much Love,
AmyKate
thank you for your kind thoughts and words. shortly after i wrote the above comment i got a message from my mother bitterly “apologizing.” (apparently my father had taken it upon himself to tell her.) it was no apology at all but simply another narcissistic translation of actual events into a fantasy centering around her.
we have not spoken nor have i spoken with my father – and i feel somehow relieved. for the first time in my life i have changed that toxic status quo (albeit perhaps for the worse), and that itself has helped. you helped me; thought you should know.
“If you were abused and someone, anyone, didn’t believe you, know that I do. I believe you.” THANK YOU.
Thank you Kathy! Your words feel so good to hear. Thank you for for comment!
Much Love,
AmyKate
@disqus_ivX3D3Wm9s:disqus
Agreed, that line brought me to tears.
Thank you…I too had the same experience except my brother did that to me My family did not believe me for 8 years as my sister decided I was lying and everyone followed her judgement. My sister did some soul searching and now believes me. The healing can now begin. Thank you for that acknowledgment it means alot to those who suffered and still suffer with trauma. Muah xoxo
Mine was my uncle..I am scared to talk .. nobody will believe me 😭😭..my mum will believe me but she is sick and hypertensive ..I don’t want anything to happen to her..
Mine was also my uncle he touches me in ways i don’t feel comfortable and that are inappropriate and I feel like no one would believe me.
Mine is my sister’s husband I still don’t know what to do.
He comes in my room almost every night and touch me in an uncomfortable manner. I would wake up and he would leave. I still don’t know what to do.
My parents holds him in high esteem will they believe me?
There are no safe people…. only people.
Sometimes the people we love the most are the abusers. Thank you for your comment.
Much love,
AmyKate
Amen to that. I thought I loved my sister, but over the years I realized who she really was….a liar, an abuser and possibly a pedophile.
I don’t know the statistics but the majority of children who are abused are abused by someone they know and often by someone they love. You can never be too careful. Thank you for your comment.
Much Love,
AmyKate
And, you can never be too open with your children when they are young, expressing that, as a parent, you are their safe haven. That they can talk to you about anything! Telling them that anytime they feel a bad feeling about how someone is holding them or touching them, they can come to you and talk about it without fear of punishment or being “wrong”. And explaining that they can trust you not to share what they tell you with a close family member. My daughter shared an experience with me that prevented her suffering abuse!
Thank you! Every time one of us is brave enough to say the words out loud, to speak the TRUTH, people are saved
That is my hope as well!!! Thank you for your thoughtful post.
Much Love,
AmyKate
This is such a powerful, courageous post. I began writing about my childhood sexual abuse a couple of years ago, but still could not come out of that closet of shame. A few months ago I started a blog to “practice” speaking out–hoping the whole world wouldn’t come crashing down. I know now it is the vehicle to my recovery. http://morningpageswriter.wordpress.com
Thanks so much for adding to my strength by telling your story.
Keep speaking your truth. There is such power in the truth. You should be proud of what you are doing. I stand beside you!
Much Love,
AmyKate
Thank for this article. Your courage to speak out is inspirational. There are too many people that hate themselves for having this experience, yet it is hard for them to confront it within themselves and to their abusers. I hope this article will help them.
I hope so too. The last person they should hate is themselves. I wrote the article so that hopefully those who are experiencing similar circumstances but feel all alone will realize that they are not. Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
Much love,
AmyKate
Why not go to the police, since family does not believe and they are in denial, maybe they know and they do not want the family to be ashame. Here is the thing if this scams are not stop they will continue to do it to others , it happend to my to me and it happend to my cousin. They need to be stopped. otherwise your uncle continues doing and damaging the lives of innocent childreen .. this scambugs do not stop.
One of my biggest regrets is that I did not speak out sooner or go to the police and press charges but at the time all I wanted was to get away from him. I did not have the confidence or strength to press charges. Now the statute of limitations has run out. I wish you all the best with your case and hope you get the outcome you are looking for.
Much Love,
AmyKate
Thankyou I’ve recently reported my abuser to the police and from the sounds of it they know the guy in question. I remember telling my sister about it soon after but she didn’t believe me even after drawing the plans for the flat etc.
I don’t blame her she was only 13 ish when I told her. I’ve still yet to tell my parents though even with the investigation going on.
Good for you for going to the police. I wish I had done that. Eventually you will tell your parents. Good luck. And Thank you for your comment.
Much Love,
AmyKate
Thank you for sharing…when my family and friends turned their back on me when Idecided to speak out and make a big decision to leave my abuser it crushed me..I still don’t understand why but it has made me a better mother to my children..they are my number 1
I think one of the rewards of parenthood is the second chance of having a family on your terms. I know I derive so much joy from having a family I created that is completely abuse free and full of love. It feels like a second chance for me everyday. Thank you for your comment.
Much Love,
AmyKate
I feel like my relationship with my children has been a second chance. My relationship with my daughter has been a second chance at a mother daughter relationship, I am just the mother. It has been incredibly healing. So I understand why it has made you a better mother. Detaching from my family of origin and focusing on my family of creation makes me a better, happier person. Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
Much Love,
AmyKate
Thank you so much for your comments and article. My husband and I both were abused as children by family. We both have had abandonment issues, attachment issues, and overprotective ways. He came into my life I had 2 kiddos b&g I told him about some things he told me. We started our relationship on truth for trust. He has never harmed my children and they love him. Reading this article gave me many things to think about. I never thought I would be with someone who also went through what I did. I used to look for signs that he was like every other guy or even my abusers but he only showed fear of being hurt. I also was very careful of how I acted with my own children by not showing much physical affection. I was told that abused people turn into abusers. I know that to some extent that is true but for those that seek help it is not. My husband and I have helped each other heal everyday. We have become best friends and lovers. We understand the momentarily issues that seek to take our happiness.
After reading this comment I realized why we said I do. Why we love each other so much. We were starting over for a better life. We do everything for our children and we even have a baby together. He was excited about that. I was too. We have a strong open door policy with our children and to secure them if an issue rises we handle it with them knowing that it is done with decency. Such as if they come home from a visit and they say someone picked on them we call and ask about it then we discuss it to the child’s comfort. We do not force them or even make them feel like things are just OK to happen to them. We let them know that they have rights and we will stand with them in everything.
Thankfully my family believed me. I am sorry that you had to endure those accusations. Thank you AmyKate for not being afraid to discuss abuse. I definitely stand with you http://www.phils-light.com/fight-the-funct/
Thank you Laurie,
I am so glad your family believed you. What a blessing. Thank you for your kind words.
Much Love,
AmyKate
Oh, lovely woman! Thank you for baring your soul in such a public forum for all those who have kept their secret. After reading your beautiful post I am sure that there will be people who read this and find freedom, finally! Your experience has found a voice and will now help others heal and find peace! Thank you, with love! ♥
Thank you so much. Your beautiful comment makes me want to cry. I feel so appreciated.
Much Love,
AmyKate
One of my closest friends was sexually abused by two male relatives as a child. The first one died before she ever got a chance to tell anyone about him. When she worked up the courage to tell her parents what the second one had done to her, virtually her entire family turned on her. They refused to believe that this “good guy” who everyone loved could have sexually abused anyone. He was clean-cut, handsome, popular, successful, a high school and college athlete who went on to be a minister, of all things! She was accused of being “evil” and “envious” and some even suggested that she must have seduced him! She eventually cut off all contact with her family and spend several years struggling with drugs and bulimia before she finally found her way to help. She now works for an organization that serves homeless and runaway youth, a huge number of whom are on the streets because of sexual abuse at home. In many ways she appears to have “survived” and “healed.” But she still has issues with touch and physical boundaries and has struggled to maintain healthy romantic relationships. After a recent, ugly breakup, she has begun to wonder if she should just remain alone. The wounds run deep, and sometimes never heal.
It startles me that so many people still don’t believe sexual abuse victims, even after years of raising awareness. Is it denial? Ignorance? Both? In the face of such resistance, it makes my respect for those who tell their stories, despite the very real risk of rejection, that much greater. We need to make it even easier for victims of abuse to come forward and be believed, no matter how ugly the truth may be. Monsters walk among us. And no matter who they are, they must be called out.
I am sharing your website with my friend. Thank you for being so brave, and all the best to you.
Thank you so much! Blessings to you and your friend! Another great resource I have found is ‘The Wounded Heart’ By Dr. Dan B. Allandar and ‘Not Marked’ By Mary Demuth. Best of luck!
Man, that’s awful that no one believed your friend. A few years ago, I confessed to my father about being abused by my stepdad, but I left out the part about how the molestation actually began with my older half-sister. I finally confessed to him about her last month. So far, he does believe me but he has admitted to being torn between a rock and a hard place mainly because my grandmother (whom she treated horribly) thinks I’m lying because she made me mad. But, it goes way deeper than that. I was even planning on confessing to a lot of things in my apology letter to her, but I decided to change it to my chagrin. I’m still puzzled as to why my grandmother would defend someone who can’t stand her. As far as my mom’s family is concerned, I do think one or two of my cousins may know about my confession because I told one of their ex-girlfriends and her mother about what happened between me and my sister. But, so far no one has come forward and asked me about it on that end.
As I said in my comment above, I had to cut ties with my sister. She was always talking down to me making me feel like I needed someone’s help in taking care of myself. Last summer was the final straw for me though. When she said she thought another situation like our mother’s was going to happen to my dad, not once did she said she’ll be there for me. I was naive to think she’d change now that we’re older. Instead, she just got worse.
but what if there was a slight indiscretion by your father. and only once. I have carried it my whole life. But we got in an argument and I blurted it out to my family and now I feel quilt for telling the secret. Why do I feel so bad for telling my husband.
guilt and shame are common in victims, I am pretty sure none of us wants to hurt other people, that makes us easy to abuse and keep quiet about it; all we want is to feel better. Do what you need to do, don’t worry so much about the others, they will be fine. It is an awkward, uncomfortable situation no matter what. Heal yourself.
I know how you feel, me telling my story to my mom was the sole reason my parents divorces. I know she loved him and he loved her. I felt extremely guilty .
It took me years to figure out why people just don’t believe you no matter what you say and how obvious the signs are. Believing you means that the world they view and the rules that they created in their head is wrong. Rules such as: bad people are easy to recognize, people aren’t capable of doing such cruel acts, if something that horrible happened that close to me, I must have noticed it, if a person that I trusted so much can be this insane, I cannot trust anyone. Without these rules, you would feel unsafe every moment of your life and it is impossible to bear (ironically, this is exactly how a victim feels). It is easier to just call one person a liar than thinking that everyone in his or her life cannot be trusted and everything they felt is not real. Their world would crumble down. Abusers know this and that’s why they get away with it, every time. Besides calling you a liar, they may also tell you that you were the one that “seduced” the abuser or that you read the abuser’s actions wrongly, but those are also ways to reasure themselves that bad things only happen when you do something wrong, you can control that so the world is a safe place.
Thanks. That makes a lot of sense to me, having not been believed myself.
Thank you so much for sharing! I believe this was a message for me to read, and for many others as well. We stand united, leaving behind the past and victimization and converting it into a victorious future! God Bless xo
Thank you so much! I look forward to a victorious future as well!
Much Love,
AmyKate
Here’s a little more about the importance of being truthful about abusive relationships. http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/10/abuse-why-telling-the-truth-will-set-you-free-hannah-furr/
Thank you Anna.
Much Love,
AmyKate
Thank you so much for sharing this article, my 13 year old nice is going through something similar. And yes I believe usually the people closer to you tend to be the abuser. All I want to do is hug and protect her, and I could never turn my back on her. I wish I could erase all the bad memories and make it all better for her. No child should ever go through this, and I definitely don’t trust anyone with my children.
You are her hero and protector. I’m sure she adores you. Good for you for being that person for her. Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
Much Love,
AmyKate
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I too am a survivor of sexual abuse. It is my mission and calling in life to be a voice for anyone who does not have one. My friend and I are racing in an international Rallye to bring awareness to this epidemic. 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are abused by their 18th birthday. Terrible statistics. We have partnered with the charity ‘Voice Today’. They have been amazing and have great tools for healing. Much love to you as you continue on your journey. We also made a video, if you want to check it out, go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFvNxB7d78w, or http://www.teamxelles.com. Good job on taking a stand and drawing healthy boundaries.
Blessings,
Rachelle Croft
Team #182
Fellow Survivor
Congratulations on all of the good work you are doing! We need warriors like you!
Thank you for your comment!
Much Love,
AmyKate
I was recently stalked and harassed by a beloved family friend who is older than my father. I kept quiet about it for 6 months because he was a very loving grandparent to my children, but it made me sick being near him. I finally confronted him and his family and they were confused and incredulous. He confessed he was in love and obsessed with me, but everyone begged me to get over it so we could all play happy families. I did for a year until severe ill-health forced me to put up boundaries and speak the truth. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made, and I doubted it was the right thing to do, but I am glad I have done it. You are brave, and I am inspired by your story, and it helps me to keep strong in my resolve to cut him out of our lives, as I deserve to feel safe. It felt wrong and it was wrong, other people just don’t want to deal with things changing- thanks for sharing 🙂
Good for you for sticking up for yourself. Shame on your family for asking you to make that kind of sacrifice. Hopefully they are supporting you now that you have made the decision. You not only did the right thing for yourself but you set a precedent for your children that being treated that way is abusive and not allowed. They will carry that with them. Thank you for your comment.
Much Love,
AmyKate
Wow…this is one of the most shocking blogs I’ve ever read! Must have taken a lot of courage to share your vulnerability with all of us…Glad to hear that you are in a better place now…:-). Out of curiosity; did you end up marrying the same boyfriend who told you to face your fears?
It was a little scary but I just kept thinking of how many people I could potentially help if I told the story…how much it would have helped me to read this story in my teens when I was struggling with what to do about my own situation. The boyfriend who forced the issue with my Dad and I did not end up getting married but he and I are still really close friends. He is the only ex boyfriend I have ever stayed friends with. He read at our wedding and we attended his. We live in the same city so we see him occasionally. He and his wife are like extended family. Thanks for your comment.
Much Love,
AmyKate
That’s beautiful…yes, I feel the same way when I read a lot of people’s experiences in Tiny Buddha..if I had something like this when I was struggling with a lot of my own inner demons particularly during my teenage years as well… Then again, I suppose if each of us hadn’t gone through certain experiences in our lives; maybe each of us wouldn’t be here sharing each others stories & realizing there are other people going through similar experiences as well & that we are not as alone & lost as well may feel at times… Really appreciate your authenticity & wish you the best! 🙂
We all learn and gain strength from each other. That is the beauty of humanity. Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
Much Love,
AmyKate
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I too am a survivor of sexual abuse. I am in therapy dealing with it, but outside of that I barely speak about it. Your story really resonated with me and made me realise I am not alone, especially in the way I am feeling. I was abused when I was about 5 or 6 (many of the memories are still foggy, but I am working at unlocking them) and I only disclosed these memories when I was 19 years old to my therapist and then at 21 years old to my family and a handful of close friends. It is hard changing thought patterns you have had almost your entire life and it often scares me – will I ever be “normal” again? But I am working hard at it and I’d like to think I have come very far. Thank you, Amy, for making me feel less alone and for making me feel like my emotions are valid.
Anje,
I am so sorry that you were abused. Thank you for your comment and I am glad that you are getting help. I would suggest that you give up the notion of being “normal” and just be exactly the way you are. You are perfect as is and the more that you work on yourself the more of yourself you will be. Be the best version of Anje that you can be. There is nothing wrong with you. Your past is just a part of who you are and all of you is exactly as it should be. Find a way to not be in pain through therapy but never think that there is anything wrong with you or that you need to strive for some sort of normalcy. You are already perfect right now!
Much Love,
AmyKate
If I were not sitting down, this would have brought me to my knees; I can barely see through my tears. Your story is so very close to mine in many ways. Thank You for sharing
Thank you for your comment. I am glad you know that you are not alone in your pain.
Much Love,
AmyKate
It’s horrible. It feels wrong. But much of it happens in a ‘loving’ and often public way which no-one else seems to notice. And when we are young we don’t have the vocabulary, or
understanding, or experience to deal with it. It is distressing, confusing. By the time we have any clarity on the situation, the harm is done. We are broken. I can’t bear how ugly humans can be. Well done for gathering your power and life to you. Love and happiness to you all
That was what was so confusing about my situation is that so much of it was done in public and supposedly out of love that I assumed that the whole family knew and that I was the only one who thought something was wrong. And your right that before I figured it out the damage was done. It is very painful.. I feel your pain. Thank you for writing. You make me feel understood.
Much Love,
AmyKate
I wish I could courage to speak out. I was abused too.But I find no one right here.
Melina, If you want you can visit my site listed above and speak out to me. I believe you and will stand by you until you are ready to speak out to someone close to you.
Much Love,
AmyKate
Thank you for sharing your story.
You are so welcome. Thank you for reading.
much love,
AmyKate
Thank you for this.
Truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
I have never seen my own feelings spelled out so perfectly by another person. You were right about the triggers, particularly the alcoholic breath and growling in your ear. I’m right there with you.
For me, it was my dad, and while I got out of the situation, I have not yet gotten the situation out of me.
You probably never will. I still go through periods of darkness. I get triggered and then I spiral. It is a part of who I am but I also have wonder qualities of depth and understanding that I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t been through all that Ive been through. I’d love it if you would join me on my website. It is designed for survivors and I am building a community of people who all feel alone but we have all experienced the same things. http://www.nolongerhidingout.com. I’d love to see you there.
Much love,
AmyKate
I myself was abused as child in a similar way. Everything you talked about was exactly what I went through. I kept everything to myself. This is exactly what I needed. I just want to say thank you so much. I have been having such a hard time with it . I am seeking help and have opened up to my parents what have happened. Its so scary and hard, but everything will be okay. I admire your strength and courage so much. And again I just want to say thank you for sharing your story. It really has helped me with my journey.
Thank you for writing. It makes me feel less alone with every response I get that there are others out there that experienced what I did. If you want you can join me on my website. I am building a community of survivors all of which feel alone but have experienced the same things. http://www.nolongerhidingout.com. I’d love to see you there.
Much love,
AmyKate
I was harrassed at my last workplace. I went to HR and they brushed off my concerns. I quit. I worked there for 6 years. I was one of their best workers if not the best but none of that mattered. My biggest regret is not confronting my harrasser and telling him to leave me alone. Not only do I feel anger at the company I also feel anger at my co-workers who turned a blind eye to what was happening because they didn’t want to get involved. I realized women are still not respected and if we complain about anything we’re treated as being hysterical and irrational. I’ve lost faith human beings to do the right thing.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. At least you had the courage to leave the situation. I never directly confronted any of my abusers and I regret that. I know what you mean. But sometimes you just have to know that you were in the right and that they are living with all of that bad karma. You will find a better place where people respect you and next time someone disrespects you you will know to confront them.
Much Love,
AmyKate
My heart goes out to you. My parents were pretty bad…physical beatings, emotional and verbal abuse but never sexual. No one’s ever sexually touched me, however the scars of what they did stay with me. I quit speaking to my father and only stay in touch with my mom but very sparingly. I only see here once or twice a year.
Did your family or at least your parents ever acknowledge what happened?
I find it sad how the abusers are good actors and don’t believe the abused.
🙁
My mother died before I ever confronted the situation and my father believed me but belittles it , like it wasn’t that bad. He claims that my uncle,”didn’t mean to hurt me.” it makes me crazy to hear that. For many reasons my father and I are no longer in contact. I was also abused by my mother but not sexually and it did as much damage as the sexual abuse if not more. So I understand your pain. I write about it on my website if you want to join me at http://www.nolongerhidingout.com. I’d love to have you.
Much Love,
AmyKate
My father abused me for many years, I suffered in silence and when I was older I was speaking with a friend about it who told my brother and my brother told my accusatory mother who denied it, then accepted it and defended herself, she made it about her… Even after my father died she would say that because I told her that I ruined her happiness with my father in the last days of his life….
And the most confusing parts to the story were my physical response, I had orgasims while he did it, I thought I liked it, I even thought I seduced him, I mean a 6 year old could be seductive right? (sarcasm intended)
I also loved him, and proudly boasted that I was “Daddy’s little girl” and now that song makes me cringe…
I forgive him though, I told him that I forgave him so he would have peace…. But I never forgave myself, well now I’m learning to forgive myself, day by day and it is these experiences that help me in knowing I’m not alone, thank you for writing it, I don’t know you but I love you, and I love the little girl inside of you who is learning to heal in this progressive process called life 🙂
I was abused by my teacher when I was 16. I used to have feelings for him, you know as a teenager I had this strange mix of admiring him, looking up to him and being physically attracted to him. He was 40-something, I wasn’t sure exactly what is that I was feeling, but I believed it’s just a phase that I can’t take seriously, and that it will pass soon and that it was better not to act on those feelings or do anything about them. I never wanted anything from him. But I guess he knew some how (well, I never managed to make my feelings not show on my face) and he started to get closer, be nice to me and favour me to the other students. Then one day we were alone in his office, and he abused me both verbally and physically. I was shocked that it took me a really, really long time to realize that I’d been abused. I thought he was falling in love with me at first!. Then I slowly started seeing the truth and pulled myself away from him. I cut every contact with him, and I never told anyone what really happened. I’m 27 now, but I can’t get over it. I still feel angry and guilty at the same time, and I still blame myself for not standing up for myself. It kills me that he just got away with it and I keep wondering all the time how many other girls he did that with after me (and even before me) and if he even remember.
I was abused as a young child first flash back was when I was 5. Much later I discoved I was home alone alot a a child. When I was 13 my uncle abused me in his truck off and on for 4 years. I suffer major mood problems and hallucinations, voices suicidal behavior. Im suicide free now im on medication..
THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR STORY. YOU ARE DEFINITELY A SURVIVOR!!!!!
Hi I am tiamakia in this is my story I just began to speak out about my abuse when I was 19 yrs old to one person but my abuser was already in jail for abusing other children in woman so at twenty four years old I felt no one listened to me so I spoke out againg in people listen to me people saw my hurt people saw my pain theres someone out there that will listening so never stop telling your story of abuse until some hears you it drug me under for so long in my life that I built up a person I pretend to be that was strong a warrior that no one could defeated I was the person that perfect cause it was something I felt I was missing I thought I was in love a few times over in over again looking for a shield to hide under but them relationship I felt i had gave my all to just left me too but just when I thought I found the love of my life but really I was searching for Someone to fill the void from when I was molested in all the people that left me that I loved but really he had issues also but I delt with him hoping it would get better he knew all my flaws my hurt my pain but he took that to the advantage we started fight physicly in i began to think that it was ok I trusted him i gave him six years of my life just as my family trusted my auntie boi friend that molested me at the age of 13 on several different occasions he had it so good he was so close to my family he was able to just pick me my brother in cousin up in take us with him out to places he was able to stay the night also in them were some of the worse times in my life but now I’m a surviver I’m free its a releave to get it out I’m starting a new beginning for my new life but this is my stroy ..
I really admire your strength to come forward with your story, this has really touched me and made me realise there is still hope to overcome the severe effects of child sex abuse.
Though I am male, it was two of my uncles who sexually abused me. It all began from the age of 7, when my elder uncle would jump to the opportunity to babysit me, this went on for several years till I was 15. Going as far as doing it when I was asleep with other people sleeping in the room.
I told the wrong people when I was 19 (I’m also heterosexual), I had told my aunt who was in a success based competition with my uncles and aunts .
No one believed me and the worst part was that very uncle somehow found me and pleaded his forgiveness to me so i didn’t ruin his reputation(he went as far as getting down on his knees >_<). The other uncle did the same.
Like you I didn't want revenge, I didn't want anything, I just wanted help…
I never got that help from family or even friends but it helped me to grow strong internally.
But it is still to this day the basis of my severe depression and self harm from the age of 16 has led me to ruin my entire left arm.
I am proud of you how you dealt with everything, though I am still in my early 20s I'm trying my best to be the best person I can be for myself. I don't know how I will seek help but I won't give up.
TL;DR
Very similar experience.
Did you atleast report them to the police?
I am a male that was sexually molested and raped by an older male cousin. I am older now, but this happened starting at the age of 6 until the age of 11-12. I attempted to tell my mother after the second or third time it happened and was called a liar. My mother told me if I said that again it could disrupt the family and she never wanted to hear me talk like that again. My mother continued to take me to my cousins for babysitting, an he continued the abuse. Being called a liar by the only person (mother) that I trusted and believed would protect me, made me unsure what I was supposed to do to make it stopped, the abuse went on for another 5 years, as a teenager I began acting out, running away, using drugs or alcohol, and was arrested numerous times, finally being placed in group homes for trouble teens. My aggression grew worse and when released I actted out in violence against everyone, all the time. I continued to get arrested into early adult hood for extreme violence. I ran into my abuser as an adult and wanted to confront him, but when I approached him, I could not find the words, so I instead punched himk with every ounce of might and put him in the hospital where he required plastic surgery to fix his nose and face. Once that occured, my entire family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, told me I was not permitted to ever return to their home because I had assaulted my older (10 years my senior) cousin, who was liked by the entire family. My grandparents died without knowing the truth, I did not attend the funeral or burial. Nobody knows what happened to me, and at this point my mom would probably deny ever being told by me and telling me to never say something like that again. This chain of events when I was a young boy has really played such a part in all of my choices, outlooks, and aggressions. It has and does effect my relationships as an adult, my girlfriends. With girlfriends I automatically am leary of all older male relatives involved in their lives, wondering if they are child molesters. Just enjoyed reading all the posts here and wanted to share my story
I am a male that was sexually molested and raped by an older male cousin. I am older now, but this happened starting at the age of 6 until the age of 11-12. I attempted to tell my mother after the second or third time it happened and was called a liar. My mother told me if I said that again it could disrupt the family and she never wanted to hear me talk like that again. My mother continued to take me to my cousins for babysitting, an he continued the abuse. Being called a liar by the only person (mother) that I trusted and believed would protect me, made me unsure what I was supposed to do to make it stopped, the abuse went on for another 5 years, as a teenager I began acting out, running away, using drugs or alcohol, and was arrested numerous times, finally being placed in group homes for trouble teens. My aggression grew worse and when released I actted out in violence against everyone, all the time. I continued to get arrested into early adult hood for extreme violence. I ran into my abuser as an adult and wanted to confront him, but when I approached him, I could not find the words, so I instead punched himk with every ounce of might and put him in the hospital where he required plastic surgery to fix his nose and face. Once that occured, my entire family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, told me I was not permitted to ever return to their home because I had assaulted my older (10 years my senior) cousin, who was liked by the entire family. My grandparents died without knowing the truth, I did not attend the funeral or burial. Nobody knows what happened to me, and at this point my mom would probably deny ever being told by me and telling me to never say something like that again. This chain of events when I was a young boy has really played such a part in all of my choices, outlooks, and aggressions. It has and does effect my relationships as an adult, my girlfriends. With girlfriends I automatically am leary of all older male relatives involved in their lives, wondering if they are child molesters. Just enjoyed reading all the posts here and wanted to share my story
Your story is just so horrible. Your mother refused to believe and continued to let you see your abusers? She’s just as guilty as them!!! Common sense should’ve told her otherwise. My grandmother seems to think that just because I was young (and also diagnosed with Autism at the age of four), I was hallucinating over what happened between me and my sister. When I know it was to the contrary. I may have been small, but it doesn’t mean I don’t remember the first time I was abused. It’s awful when your own relatives don’t even believe your story.
It absolutely is horrible when family members, especially a mother, will not believe you, and you are told to keep your mouth shut or it will tear apart the family. I remember setails to this day, the manipulation he used, the trouble I thought I would get into if I did not cooperate with him. I hear so many stories where family members treat the victim of the abuse as if they did something wrong to cause it, or they are lying about it.
You are so brave. My husband was abused and started using drugs at ten!!! In was taught some messed up crap and I thought that if you were abused by a guy and you’re a boy that you would be gay. I have caught him in some struggles but he has gone through therapeutics to help him understand that he was normal and that he was hovering the abuse because no one knew and he was afraid to tell anyone because they were well respected family members. He has never acted out in any sexual way just mostly anger. He gets tensed up around guys especially older ones. But for the most part our marriage is beautiful and we are doing the best of starting over. You are a hopeful person and I commend your wife of the future for understanding and loving you fearlessly!
I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s not your fault and your mom should have believed and protected you. That is a parents job. Hope you find peace in reading everyone’s experiences.
Hi. Is it possible to talk to you?
I was abused at a young age, before eight years old by my maternal uncle. Then my brother used to chase me around the house, tear my panties off of me and have oral sex on me at age 8. Then my aunt married a man from Central America and he started feeling me off and would rub his hard member against me, every time I was around him. They had a baby and I would stay over night and he came to my bed and felt me off and when he finally tried to enter me, I cried out. My aunt told me that she ” thought that I enjoyed it!” I never went around them again.
Man, what you went through was disgusting. If your aunt’s husband was nasty enough to try and do that to you, then Lord knows what he’s thinking in regards to his own kid. Your aunt should also be ashamed of herself. Did she know she was marrying a pedophile?
i was sexually abused by my elder bro at the age of 8 ..he used to undress me kiss me ,an would lick my intimate area but i never got , what he used to do with me , he was 7 years older, we were really good with each other,but felt like it is something that is not good…we always talked normally cause i thought it is just maybe some kind of a game,but after a couple of weeks i separated my room ,cause i felt like he is bothering me..though we have a good relation and he protects me all the time and he is a very decent guy and is very respectful towards everyone i still dont believe how he did that to me…we never ever had that talk..its been 5 and half years but everythings fine and we have a good bond , i dont think he even remembers it..i never told anyone , maybe because i never wanted anyone to think bad about my bro cause he is really really good..he never into a relationship even…but now i feel like i have been fooling around like i never have told anyone that i had been kissed and all..in truth and dare games and all…
When you said “We stand together triumphantly and move forward, bravely living abuse free lives.” The tears stopped. Something in me in my soul and heart and spirit shifted. A weight was released from my shoulders.
I know I have a way to go in healing, but thank you so much for writing this. All this. You are so brave and have a heart of gold. I know the universe put your words in front of me today for a reason. Blessings to you. Grateful hugs.
Thank you. Sadly, I’ve lived up to the statistic of having once been a victim of sexual abuse, being subjected to it again, as an adult. It’s so weird. Almost like there’s a giant “victim” sticker on my forehead. I try to be more assertive in life, to exude confidence etc. to fend for myself but I’m an introvert and I’m an HSP so I feel like I’m faking it. (I also need to do this in my work environment). Totally exhausting. Developing those skills has helped me at work and it helped me to get out of an abusive relationship after a few months (instead of years) but it still feels unnatural. I just get tired of having to fend off the world.
And if I were to tell my whole story to someone, I think they’d find it quite unbelievable.
Your story really moved me. I recently came out about being sexually abused by one of my older half-sisters after she decided to cut ties with me. And it was all over me not responding to her messages on Facebook. She knew she wasn’t good to me for the past 18 years. So, she tried to distance herself to make me look like the bad guy when it was really her fault. The sickest thing about the abuse that happened between us is that most people had no idea what was going on. I was also molested by my stepfather, but by then I was used to it. However, the abuse between me and my older sister started first. It was horrible. Everyone, including my father who’s not her biological dad, thought we were so close, but in reality our relationship was never all that great. Sure, she did nice things for me when I was real young, but somewhere along the line she either began to despise me or something went wrong upstairs.
Honestly, my father was the last person I would tell, but I ended up confessing to him first. I was a bit hesitant about coming forward because he saw her as another daughter. Now, what I said may have shattered his view of her. He says he believes me and I think he does, but he’s also torn between a rock and a hard place (he’s told me this too). It’s mainly because I also told my paternal aunt through Facebook who relayed the information back to my grandmother. My grandmother thinks that I made it up because my sister made me mad. And she and my aunt were the ones who suspected someone abused me in the first place. Now that I came out, she doesn’t believe me?!! What kind of crap is that??!!! Who defends someone who treated them badly?!! I’m not sure if my sister ever liked her. She even bragged to me about sending her apology letter back down to her. She hated my grandmother for the longest time even before things came to a head eight years ago.
Now, I’m just gonna focus on going to therapy and saving up enough money to leave Baltimore for good. It’s obvious I’m not wanted here by neither side of my family. Besides, I have nothing to hold onto here. I’m still gonna send that revised apology letter down to my grandmother. It may never make a difference and that’s alright. The only thing that matters is that I apologize for all the rotten things I said. I was a little mad that I had to change this letter because I wanted to confess to some of the rotten things that happened between us. But, what’s the use if she doesn’t believe me? Besides, not only will she be shocked that I said all this, but she’ll also probably say all the allegations I mentioned were made-up. When it comes to my mother’s side of the family, I do believe one or two of my cousins know about what I said. And I think it’s mainly because I told my cousin’s ex-girlfriend and her mother about the abuse a day after I confessed to my father. If this is so, neither of them have asked me if these accusations were true or not. No other relative has either so I really have no idea if they found out or not.
Anyway, I knew I had to cut my sister out of my life. Not only did she molest me and stole my allowance money every chance she got, I also knew I couldn’t trust her. I was naive to think she would change. She just got worse as time went on. She would constantly remind me how I couldn’t live with her unless I had a job (so I could benefit her). Whenever I mentioned something about staying with one of our other cousins, she said I had to have a job just to do so. She would also talk down to me and say little stuff like “how I wasn’t taking care of myself.” I admit I’ve been in a hole for some years now, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been trying. She overlooked any efforts I made because it wasn’t to her standards. Last summer was the final straw for me. She basically took me out to dinner just to tell me that if anything were to happen to my dad, I’d have no one to turn to not even her. This was when I had problems with my aunt and grandmother. Like I said, she knew damn well what she’s done and tried to blame me. She didn’t care about me at all. She knew she couldn’t use me anymore so she threw me away. I would hate what she would do to one of her friends who were depressed. And this is all over not answering one measly Facebook message. I send messages out to people all the time and they don’t always respond. Sorry if my rant was too long, but I’m just so mad about a lot of things. It got to the point where I couldn’t even look at her on her FB status whenever she would update it. She’s just so disgusting.
Hi there, i have been emotionally, physically and sexually abused by my husband. I am only now coming forward to the police because i have help with the womans crisis centre. Do you know what they will do or will i seem like the loonie who never came forward
My 4 year old niece was abused by her grandfather and not even her mother believed her. Our family has fought a legal battle against my ex sister in law and her father but we live in Mexico and here laws are shit.
Most survivors do forgive their abusers because they have no reasonable outlet for their anger. Forgiving their abuser is tantamount to accepting the universe is not just. Once survivors forgive their abusers their anger has no place to go but inwards. They redirect their anger at themselves, repress it, bottle it up, bury it deep inside them, internalize it and often misdirect it at others. They live their entire lives as demoralized, dejected misanthropes who believe that they can trust anyone, that they are prey in a world of predators. When survivors stop feeling angry, their anger turns into anxiety, fear, sadness, depression, hopelessness, antisocial feelings and suicidal ideation. Survivors then spend the rest of their life punishing, abusing and hurting themselves. I can help. Please write me at my aol email address ultraempathy I have the ability to heal all wounds.
You are correct about those who forgive their abuser…I did this as a survival mechanism when I was still living with mine. It wasn’t until I sought therapy that I realized what I did and why. I no longer “forgive” him and am trying to find a way to report him, though the possibility of justice is near impossible since it has been years. I don’t know how to let go of this anger anymore. I’m just extremely bitter and angry…not sure where to channel it, aside from crying.
I’m honestly so confused and lost, sometimes I wonder if it’s true or not but the memory I hazy for me. I was probably like 5 or 6 and I remember my older brother inviting me to his bed room and he’d sit me in his lap and all I remember is that he’d put my zipper down and after that it’s blank. I decided to tell my mom because he too had done something to my other brother but my brother passed away and I feel like my brother that had passed away had hatred towards him. Now my older brother is still living at my house and I forgive him but I can’t forget what happened. My mom also acts like nothing happened but she told my older brother and he swears he never did anything. I’m sorry I’m rambling but I just wanted to tell someone.
I am almost in the same exact situation…me and my little brother abused by our older brother…he still lives with my family and I moved away, but I know my parents still treat our older brother like the gold child, even though they know what he did to us. It makes me sick. I am so sorry to hear about your other brother passing…I hope you are able to get out of the living with him soon…you and your other brother that was abused deserve so much more…If you’re able to, you can always seek therapy. It saved my life. There is a better life out there for you, away from your toxic family.
I was molested by my babysitters husband. There was an elderly woman who babysat probably around 11 kids a day. She was a very mean and hateful woman and we would beg our mother not to take us there. Sadly she thought we were just being kids and not wanting to go for more selfish reasons. I am the youngest of 3. I was 4 when it happened. My babysitters husband was old and in a wheelchair and asked that all of us children call him Grandaddy. He never touched me that I can remember, but he forced me to give him fellatio. I do remember that he did not have an erection and that he told me to suck on it “like a sucker but don’t use your teeth.” I remember getting spankings for no reason from my babysitter as a child and I was more terrified of her than her husband. I thought it was normal in a way. Now i realize she spanked me because i suppose she blamed me for being abused by her husband. My mom stopped taking us there because she heard that Grandaddy was molesting some of the kids there…but she never asked any of us if we had been abused. I held my secret in until I was 13 and I realized that I was molested, violated. I remember feeling like I was going to throw up. I tested the waters before I told my mom about the abuse. I told her I wanted to talk to a counselor and her reaction was terrible. “All of my children have problems I must be a terrible mother if you feel like you need counseling.” After that I thought to myself she won’t be able to handle hearing that and then I felt guilty for even trying to seek help. I i remember in my teenage years when i became sexually active, i would enjoy the encounters, but then the next day i would feel sick and ashamed of myself and feel so dirty. I told a few close friends and my husband about the abuse, which helped. My mom still doesn’t know, and probably for her own sanity she should never know. I just wish that I could unburden myself to her, but I think she’ll just go into a depression and blame herself.
I am a teenage girl 14 years old. When i was 6 or 7 i was molested by my moms cousin. When my mom was at work he would take care of us. One day we were playing a game and he decided to “jump” on me. So he grabbed a blanket and “jumped” on me. I was underneath the covers with him. I didnt know what was going on i was really confused. And then i felt him touching me down there. I didnt know what was going on. And at that time he was 13. He just kept touching me and he told me to stay quiet. At that time i didnt know what was going on and i didnt tell my mom or dad i kept to myself. And everytime we have a family get together he is there, and i try to avoid him at all time. I dont know if he remembers what he did to me but i still remember every second of it and it still haunts mento this day and i have not told my mom or dad because i have a feeling they wont believe me because i was only a little kid. And i have a feeling that if i do tell them, they’re gonna tell the whole family and not believe me. And i have kept it inside for 7-8 years and i havent told anyone. I dont know what to do anymore.
I believe you, too. Adding my voice.
My “abuse” was the kind that I always expected would fly under everyone’s radar as “not really abuse”–being spanked in a way that felt sexual, being kinda-sorta-molested by a professor who’d befriended me, having another professor ask me during a visit when I was interviewing (as I saw it) for a law school rec he was writing “what role masturbation played in my life”–just shitty things that have no explanation other than Person X was a giant idiot and you shouldn’t trust them again. But for me the damage was psychological. I couldn’t really let go of this idea that all the bad things I’d experienced were (a) all my fault, and (b) too trivial to be worth staying upset about. When actually that in itself was the problem. None of it was my fault, and it obviously wasn’t trivial if it led to so much suffering. I wish I’d just had the fortitude at any of those moments to say “Fuck you! Get your hands off my body and your conversation out of my pants!” But I was way too scared of what others would think of me, so I stayed silent and let it all fester.
I don’t remember precisely but I was very young, maybe 7 years old, when my older cousin would ask me to come sit on his lap and touch me between my legs and ask me if I was enjoying it and I would always reply ‘yes’ even though I had no idea what he meant by that question. I don’t remember when it stopped and my older brother started sexually abusing me, maybe I was 11 years old. We did almost everything except any form of sex. I was more sexually aware at the age and this time I experienced pleasure. I don’t remember how long it went for and when did it stopped. My older sister came to know about it and maybe she told my parents because my mother awkwardly asked me once if my brother had done something to me. I don’t know why but I said ‘no’. I know that my sister knew because I secretly read her diary because I wanted to know why she was acting strange around me. But she never tried to talk to me and ask me if I was okay even though we are still very close. Immediately afterwards our house servant also touched me inappropriately a few times. Maybe I was more mature then or because I had had enough or because I could not stomach the fact that a servant had the audacity to touch me with so much liberty that I told my mother while crying. I still remember she said that I need to be brave and stop crying over such small matters but she did fire the servant. In between all this I also experienced some instances of public groping during my teen years. Flash forward some years and my cousin has become a religious and respectable person. My family adores my older brother and he is the life of every family gathering. Sometimes it feels that it was all just a dream as only I seem to remember it. Not my parents, sister, brother or cousin.
All of these incidences have messed up my mind horribly. There are feelings of guilt, hatred, loneliness, helplessness, anger, contempt and distrust. I have holes in my memory, sometimes it feels like my learning and thinking ability and sharpness of memory are affected by the traumas. Maybe this is my mind’s defensive mechanism. I am a 25 year old girl. I have kept many feelings inside me for a very long time and just want to chuck the garbage out. I have not forgiven but I have managed to ignore and move on. My question is if I do not tell my future partner about my past will it affect my sex and emotional life and how?
Sweetie, ignoring it doesn’t mean you’ve moved on. It just means that you’re numbing yourself to your truth. Been there, done that, and twenty years later it came back to bite me in the ass! Although I appeared aloof and assertive, my actual lack of self love kept me from defending my young daughter from abusive in-laws and now, eight years later, I’m just now realizing that. I feel guilt-ridden and torn up about it, and am finally ready to face my past and heal myself and my now eleven year old daughter. God bless you with the courage to find and walk down the path of growth and forgiveness.