Regarding the “it” we, who grew up in “loud, obnoxious, negative and angry” homes (Adrian’s words) can’t face –

In my experience- IT is how terrible it really was growing up in a hostile home. We soften the reality we survived, making believe that the people who terribly harmed us are really good people who offered us a “good childhood” (Adrian’s words)

It’s what a child does to survive a hostile home :see the ones who caused severe harm as kind, nice, lovely people- it makes the child feels safer.

In adulthood, the make- believe doesn’t hold water, so the anxiety keeps going and going, changing shapes and forms, but it stays.

Because we didn’t face the truth- not because we’re not intelligent- but because it’s normal and instinctive for a child to soften reality, so to survive it.

I kept seeing my mother as a good person even though I was angry at her for so long, thinking of her as a Monster (not a Mother).

I figured long, long ago, as a child, that the fault was mine, that I was bad ( well, she told me I was bad, again and again and again).

It’s natural, instinctive for a child to take the blame (and the shame) even when not directly accused, blamed and shamed.

Taking that on feels more survivable than the alternative: that we are really (really) stuck with a person who is harming us.

Anita