Dear Sapnap3:

I went over your 44 threads, from your July 7, 2013 first post (about 2 years before I first participated in these tiny buddha forums), to your last post on Nov 9, 2020, which you addressed to me.

I ran some things through Copilot (AI) earlier this morning, a resource I didn’t know about until late 2024. But then, I had to get off the computer, and back to my phone, and am too low tech to access Copilot from here. But I continued to read many of your posts using my phone.

This is my understanding this morning, 5 years, 6 months & 3 days since you last posted:

You grew up a very lonely child, emotionally unattended to, severely emotionally neglected.

So much so, that at 6 or 7, you kept seeking the only attention you got back then: that of a 60- year-old man, a neighbor, who sexually molested you, touching you at 6, 7 year-old sexually and having you touch him back in that way.

You never told your parents about it back then or later because (at least from one point onward) you believed that your mother (or both of your parents) would blame you for it.

But at one point, as an adult, when you visited your parents in India, you were groped by an accountant who provided accounting services to your parents, and this time, you DID tell your mother about it and hoped or expected that she no longer use his services.

Her response: she said that he was probably just trying to be friendly, and regardless- she’ll continue to use his services because he charged less money than other accountants.

Talking about money, at one point, your mother referred to you as her “retirement fund”-

You were the only one among your (much older) siblings who had American education and was making serious money.

You felt an obligation to take care of your parents financially and felt a mix of love, anger and guilt about it.

In your adult relationships with men your attachment wounds were understandably activated and you clung too strongly to them, fearing the abandonment you experienced as a child.

You started posting here about one such relationship that ended in a breakup that devastated you.

On April 12, 2016, when you started this thread, you wrote that you lost your father and looking back, you could see that he loved you a lot and made you feel wanted.

Clearly, he didn’t make you feel wanted as a child or during all of your formative years. But we have a way of softening memories (nostalgia) so to comfort ourselves.

Two days later (above), you wrote that your mother is “very loving” but loves your older sister (who was her youngest daughter for 9 years before you were born) unconditionally, regardless of her poor choices (in your mother’s evaluation), but expected you, Sapnap3, to be perfect, thinking of you as her “trophy child”, using you to show off to others.

In your last thread on the forums, you shared that you were moving to Chicago where your mother was living at a time so to be with her.

In my post to you back then, I reminded you of what she did that harmed you (I realized only today that I made a mistake in that post- I thought that your mother excused the 60-year- old man who abused you at 6, when she was really referring to the accountant who groped you as an adult).

You posted for the last time on Nov 9, 2020, a reply to me. In your last reply you defended your mother, the woman who you truly loved unconditionally ( I am referring to the title of this 10 year-old thread(.

I would like to continue this later.

If you are reading this, Sapnap3- and it would be very unlikely, given the time that has passed- I hope that you’re doing well.

🙏 🌿 ✨️ Anita