Hi Gabriel

Your love for your girlfriend, self-awareness and desire to seek solutions are commendable!

You mentioned that you are an extreme extrovert. Do you have anxiety and difficulties spending time with other people as well as your girlfriend?

Are there specific moments over text that increase anxiety for you? In person, can you identify anything specific that increases your anxiety?

Do you feel that there is pressure to move in together because you live 4 hours away?

If you don’t mind me asking, what has living with others been like for you?

It is clear that you care about your partner. Because of the combination of the extreme extroversion, the distance between you both and your care for your partner, do you find that during visits you have a tendency to push yourself to your limit or beyond it? Or do you feel like there might be another reason?

I would imagine that taking breaks and spending some time alone to decompress is essential for you. If you take better care of yourself and pay attention to when you are getting overwhelmed and take breaks when you need them before you are beyond your limit that might be helpful in curbing any unwanted behaviour.

Hello Gabriel,

I thought my experience could be useful for you because I am a huge introvert myself and I have been in relationship with a man with a strong need for my physical presence for almost 10 years. And I am very happy (and lucky) to have him!

Are you sure that your anxiety is really connected to your introversion and not for example to a fear of commitment or anything else? I don’t experience anxiety when I am with my partner. He is a man I love and I enjoy his presence. It is all about working with my own energy. I don’t feel anxiety with other people (today… finally!), either. I myself would decribe the state as tiredness. I am really physically tired, feeling sleepy and a bit dull too when I socialize too much. I have rich experience with introvert hangovers.

The issue I had from time to time was that when I felt very depleted I didn’t have any more energy for my boyfriend. Then I was kind of cold, detached even when I didn’t want to be… I let him know about this and made sure that he understands that it is not him who is the source of my tiredness but simply my low bateries.

He is the type of person who needs a lot of touch, hugs, kisses… I do housework and he comes and hugs me. 😂 We sit together and he needs to be very close and hold my hand or stroke my hair. I mean, it is so sweet. I finally feel really loved and needed, but sometimes it was too much and I needed my space. The most important is communication – explain how you feel and make sure that your partner really understands that it is not her or her behaviour (if this is of course true in your case) which bothers you but it is your need for your personal space.

I wrote in the past tense because we both are working on it. BOTH. It means that I also have to respect his needs, it is not only about me and my needs. I reorganized my activities so that I had more energy and time for him. I started to cherish our moments together. Mindfulness and buddhist teaching on love helped me a lot with it. I am now trying to use his energy to boost my energy and really enjoy every moment, every touch and kiss… I found out that my problem was that I used to ignore my introversion and pushed myself into activities that were depleting me and then I had no more energy for the most important person in my life…

I suggest the same to you. Think about what exactly makes you anxious. I believe that healthy introversion is not about life in anxiety. Yes, I always become tired with people and face challenges with all the information overload, but I don’t feel strong negative emotions… introversion does not equal anxiety. It is not something wrong. It is only about our energy and how to work with it, which we need to learn in this extroverted world. The anxiety is maybe trying to tell you more about yourself.

Dear Gabriel:

Thank you for sharing your story and your thoughts so openly. It’s clear that you’re going through a challenging time in your relationship and experiencing a lot of internal conflict.

You identify as an extreme introvert, which makes it difficult for you to spend extended periods with others, including your girlfriend. You have a fear of commitment and anxiety about the future, and the pressure of moving in together adds to this anxiety.

While you try to communicate your needs for alone time, your girlfriend’s response of feeling unloved adds to your stress. This cycle of anxiety and conflict is taking a toll on both of you. When anxiety becomes too overwhelming, you create conflict to get a break, which is unhealthy for the relationship. However, after each conflict, you feel instant relief but later regret and sadness, indicating a harmful cycle. You and your girlfriend have made some progress, but old habits of withdrawal and distance are resurfacing.

“When I lived with my parents, I was easily irritated by their presence despite them doing nothing wrong.”- This suggests that your childhood experiences might have contributed to your current struggles.

(1) A childhood spent with overprotective or controlling parents can lead to anxiety and fear of commitment in adulthood, (2) A childhood lacking emotional support can lead to difficulties in forming secure attachments in adult relationships, leading to difficulties with intimacy and feel overwhelmed by closeness,

(3) Growing up in an environment with high expectations can create immense pressure to perform and please others. This can result in anxiety and a fear of failure, impacting relationships and personal well-being, (4) Inconsistent parenting, where affection and attention are unpredictable, can lead to insecurity and anxiety in relationships, being overly dependent or fearful of abandonment,

(5) Exposure to negative family dynamics, such as frequent conflicts and fights, or lack of communication, can shape one’s approach to relationships, leading to difficulties in handling conflicts and expressing emotions healthily.

Are any of the above (or a combination of them) true to your experience?

Understanding the roots of your struggles can be the first step toward addressing them. Here are a few suggestions that might help you navigate this situation:

Here are a few suggestions that might help you navigate this situation:

* Consider seeking support from a therapist who can help you understand the roots of your struggles, manage your anxiety and fear of commitment, and provide you with tools and strategies to cope with these emotions.

* Continue to communicate openly with your girlfriend about your needs and feelings. It’s important to have honest conversations about how you can both support each other without causing stress or conflict.

* Work on setting clear boundaries that allow you to have the alone time you need while also dedicating quality time to your relationship. Finding a balance is key to maintaining your emotional health and the relationship.

* Engage in self-care practices that help you recharge and manage your anxiety. Mindfulness techniques, such as meditation or deep breathing exercises, can help reduce stress.

* Be patient with yourself and your girlfriend. Relationships require effort and understanding from both parties. Recognize that progress takes time and setbacks are a part of the journey.

Remember that it’s okay to seek help and prioritize your well-being. Taking steps to address your anxiety and communication patterns can lead to a healthier and more fulfilling relationship. Wishing you strength and clarity as you navigate this journey.

anita

Dear Gabriel:

I’m glad to read that writing and reflecting on everything has been helpful for you. It’s understandable that not everything is resolved, but taking the time to express yourself and receive support is a significant step forward.

It’s great to hear that you’re aware of the connections between your childhood experiences and current struggles, and that you’ve been discussing these issues in therapy. Acknowledging and understanding the roots of our challenges is an important part of the healing process.

I’m really glad that you found comfort in the responses from others. It’s a testament to the power of sharing and connecting with others who care. If there’s anything else you need or want to talk about, please feel free to reach out.

anita