Dear Devin:

It sounds like you put a lot of effort and heart into your relationships, which shows how deeply you care for those you love. It’s natural to want that same level of care and effort in return. Feeling like you’re giving more than you’re receiving can be really tough and disheartening.

Relationships are about balance and mutual respect. It’s important to feel valued and appreciated for what you bring to the table. If you’re consistently feeling like the other person isn’t meeting you halfway, it might be worth having a conversation with them about how you’re feeling. Sometimes, people might not realize the impact of their actions, and a heart-to-heart talk can help bridge that gap.

Additionally, it’s important to remember that your worth isn’t determined by how much you give in a relationship. You deserve to be loved and cared for. It’s okay to set boundaries and express your needs. Being a “needy freak” isn’t a bad thing—it’s a sign that you know what you need to feel secure and happy in a relationship.

Taking some time to reflect on what you want and need in a relationship can help you find balance and ensure that your efforts are reciprocated. You deserve a partner who appreciates and values you for who you are.

If you ever need someone to talk to or just want to share your thoughts, I’m here for you.

anita

Dear devin:

Indeed, like Jana said, we need more context. Your original post is only 4 sentences long. Yet, in this reply (my 2nd) I want to get the most out of the little you shared:

“I feel like I’m just kind of a need freak and that I shouldn’t be like this.”- this term, “need freak” reflects your feeling that you need more emotional support and validation than your partners provide.

Characteristics of a “Need Freak”: frequently seeking reassurance from partners about their love and commitment, being particularly sensitive to perceived signs of neglect or disinterest and putting in a lot of effort to maintain and nurture the relationship, often going above and beyond to show care and love.

Certain childhood experiences lead to these characteristics. Here are a few possibilities:

1. Inconsistent or unpredictable love and attention from your caregivers can lead a heightened need for reassurance in your romantic relationships. Examples of inconsistent and unpredictable love and attention from caregivers: (1) a caregiver who is emotionally available and supportive at times but withdraws or is emotionally absent at other times without any clear reason, (2) a caregiver who exhibits unpredictable mood swings, sometimes showing love and affection, and other times responding with anger or indifference, (3) a caregiver who is physically present and engaged with the child at times but frequently absent due to work, personal issues, or other reasons, (4) a caregiver who sends mixed messages by saying they love the child but behaving in ways that feel neglectful or harmful.

Such experiences, over time, lead to feelings of insecurity, confusion, and anxiety in the child. The child (and adult child) may develop a heightened need for reassurance and validation in relationships, seeking to fill the gaps left by the inconsistent caregiving. The fear of being rejected or abandoned can lead one to working extra hard to please others, going to great lengths to avoid any sign of disapproval, giving more than received, and tolerating neglectful behavior to avoid conflict.

Back to possibilities of childhoods that create a “need freak”:

2. Emotional neglect: the child’s feelings and needs were not acknowledged.

3. Conditional approval: if you received love and approval only when you met certain conditions (e.g., achieving high grades or behaving perfectly), you might feel the need to constantly prove herself in your relationships. This can lead to tying your self-worth to how much you do for others, making you feel that you need to earn love and affection.

Being a “need freak” in a romantic relationship can have several consequences for both partners. Here are some potential impacts on the romantic partner: (1) The partner might feel pressured to constantly provide reassurance and validation, which is emotionally draining. They might feel overwhelmed by the constant need to meet the emotional demands of their partner.

2. When the relationship is imbalanced, with one partner giving significantly more than the other, the partner who gives less may feel guilt. They may feel that their efforts are never enough, which can create a sense of burden, and consequently: resentment.

3. The partner might feel that their personal space and independence are being invaded. This can lead to feelings of suffocation and a desire for more distance: if one partner constantly wants to check in, send messages, or call to seek reassurance, the other partner might feel like they don’t have enough downtime to themselves or to engage in their own activities. Feeling pressured to always respond immediately and appropriately to their partner’s emotional needs can create stress and exhaustion. The partner might feel like they have less time, energy or freedom to engage in their own hobbies, interests, or social activities, feeling that they have to sacrifice their personal goals or plans to accommodate their partner’s needs.

Constantly providing emotional support without adequate personal space lead to emotional burnout and resentment towards their significant other for demanding so much of their time and energy. As a result, the partner might feel the need to create physical or emotional distance to regain their sense of independence. They might withdraw emotionally or physically, spending less time with their partner or becoming less communicative.

Moving forward in a situation like this requires open communication where both partners openly discuss their needs for personal space and reassurance, finding a balance that works for both. Understanding and empathizing with each other’s perspectives can help mitigate feelings of suffocation, and establishing and respecting healthy boundaries is crucial for maintaining a balanced relationship.

Both partners should agree on boundaries that allow for personal space and independence while maintaining emotional connection, encouraging each other to pursue individual interests and personal growth. Being supportive of each other’s need for personal space can strengthen the relationship in the long run.

Is this somewhat helpful to you, devin?

anita