Dear butterfly:

“I need huge chunks of focus time and hate being bothered when I am working. I tend to hyperfocus on the task and is very sensitive to interruptions. I feel stressed out for him to barge in dramatically every time he has emotional outbursts. He admitted to be very intense and would not change as it has always been like this“- he said that he will continue to barge in because he’s always done that: no exception for you, no consideration of you,  no consideration of what you need.

“I told him that I would build a wall and separate my office from his physically… He said that he would still open the door and barge in”- for crying out loud, how self-centered and selfish!

“I answered that I am not his stress ball to squeeze whenever he wanted. That I need my space“- exactly, you are a person with your own needs and preferences, you are not an object (a stress ball) that exists so to accommodate him.

“Where I went too far was when I said that ‘normal’ people needed time apart and their own space during office hours“- I suppose suggesting that he’s abnormal was not appropriate; self-centered/ selfish would have been appropriate, seems to me.

“He wants to be close to me so much, and I love it but at the same time I hate it… What do you think?“- it’s nice that he wants to be close to you, but.. not at the expense of you. There are two people in the relationship.. not one person (him) and one stress ball (you).

anita

Dear butterfly:

I want to re-reply to your original post more attentively than yesterday:

You: “I like being organized and tidy in my physical space, tend to be very focused and detail-oriented when I do stuff, I always seek peace and harmony… I need huge chunks of focus time and hate being bothered when I am working. I tend to hyperfocus on the task and is very sensitive to interruptions. I feel stressed out for him to barge in dramatically every time he has emotional outbursts”.

Him: “he is a great guy…  he has ADHD… He is spatially chaotic, extravagant…  He has constant meetings with clients and he pointed out that he LOVES when I am here too, since he can share everything that happens at his job, which he is very, very fond of. And that he wants to share that spontaneously, when it happens… He admitted to be very intense and would not change as it has always been like this… He said that he would still open the door and barge in”.

Question: if you were spatially chaotic, extravagant, very intense, and would share with him everything that happens at your job any time you felt like it, spontaneously when it happens, barging into his space when he is focused on his job, either during a meeting with a client, or when preparing for one, would he like it?

It so happens that I’ve had ADHD since I was 5 or so. When I happen to just be around, or interact with other hyper, untidy people, I get distressed. I can’t even follow what they are saying, nor do I want to. What suits me is people who are the opposite of me: tidy, organized;  people who appear calm, even keeled, composed, people who are not talking fast or too much. People who talk slowly, with some breaks between words and sentences. So, if I was in your place, butterfly, I would go crazy!

Maybe he is like me in that if he lived with a woman like him, hyper, untidy and all, he’d go crazy, so he needs someone who is the opposite of him, someone like you.

Here is a key word for me in what you shared: LOVE- not his love for you, but his love for accommodating his ADHD: “he LOVES when I am here too, since he can share everything that happens at his job“- I used to let ADHD take over me but I have learned not to accommodate it anymore because I know how unpleasant and distressing it is for me to absorb someone else’s ADHD, let alone to experience my own. (Maybe his ADHD is stronger than mine, I don’t know).

It is now possible for me to want to say something and.. not to say it. As a matter of practice, I do my best every day to use what I term the NPARR Strategy: when I feel distressed, I Notice that I do, I Pause (before I say or do something), Address the situation (asking myself various questions, one of which is: should I say or do this or that in this situation, will it help or harm me/ others?), next: I Respond-or-not (I say or do something, or not), and finally I Redirect (my attention elsewhere).

“He wants to be close to me so much, and I love it but at the same time I hate it.. What do you think?“- I think that if he is not able,  and/ or is not willing to adequately discipline his reactions to his ADHD, then the only way you can be in a relationship with him is in smaller portions: working (and perhaps living) separately in two locations far enough from each other so that he can’t barge into your space whenever he feels like it.

Looking at the title of your thread: “I try setting boundaries and fail a lot“- physical boundaries: working and perhaps living in two different locations, far away from each other, is all I can think of.

anita

I also study with my husband and a baby in the room. It gets pretty noisy with his toys. Ear defenders help me, but they only reduce noise as opposed to the excellent headphones which completely eliminate it.

Life happens when you live with someone. Adapting is helpful.

Adding: I don’t think that it should be about judging him as a good person or a bad person, or about diagnosing him with this or that disorder. It’s about this: is he a good person for you to have in your life, long-term, does he make you a better, healthier person, or does he cause you distress, self-doubt, unease?

anita

Dear butterfly: I will read and reply by Fri morning (it’s Thurs early afternoon here).

anita

My husband also says things like shh and I’m in a meeting or can you take the baby through. I guess it’s not really stressful just simply being asked to do something. If he has problems with these basic things he definitely needs some kind of treatment.

Dear butterfly:

You are welcome. This will be a long reply because I will include quotes from all your posts as well as quotes from an online article.

From your recent post: “he is literally physically up and in front of me waving for my attention or tapping on the floor to get my attention. lol“- like a child, a young boy trying to get his busy-mother’s attention, not yet able to regulate his emotions/ to tolerate distress.

“Adapting to him is something I already do a lot“- perhaps Adopting him is something more appropriate to do, lol.

“I think I need to properly assert what is that I am willing to accept and what is not okay to me“- like a mother trying to figure out how to discipline an unruly child.

But the child is a man who doesn’t want to be disciplined/ to grow up. From your previous posts:

“he LOVES when I am here too since he can share everything that happens at his job…  he wants to share that spontaneously, when it happens“- he loves it when his mother is around, so he can tell her everything that happens on the playground: look Mom, Nathan just pushed Sarah down the slide, he shouldn’t have!

“He admitted to be very intense and would not change as it has always been like this“- he’s always been a child, and he would not change being a child. He doesn’t want to grow up.

“I told him that I would build a wall and separate my office from his physically… He said that he would still open the door and barge in“- like a child: I want to talk to you when I want to. Now!

“he said that it removes all the fun and spontaneous interactions we had“- happy children are about fun and spontaneity, anytime, anywhere.

“Where I went too far was when I said that ‘normal’ people needed time apart and their own space during office hours“- normal children don’t want time apart when they don’t want it. They want it only when they want it.

“I think I am judging him to be clingy and immature“- immature, yes, like a young child.

“I understand that he has some work to do on himself“- I don’t think that he wants to grow up and abide by grown-up rules: that’s not fun!

“He is not able to control his impulsivity (proof of that is the entire past year)“- he doesn’t want to control his impulsivity (whether he is able or not).

“it is my own house, I bought it a month before meeting him. I wanted to do a fixer-upper project“- and you ended up with a fixer-upper boyfriend project (transforming him from boy to man)?

“Am I wrong for trying not to label my boyfriend?“- notice that in this reply, I did not and will not use a psychiatric label for him: there is no need for it.

Back to your recent post:

“I don’t think he is initiating the fights all the time, it’s mostly me being sensitive to his emotional bursts and me trying to fix his behaviour“- a fixer upper project?

“He says so many people always tells him that he always look irritated or grumpy“- because he often doesn’t get his way/ because much of the world is run by grown-up rules..?

“Sometimes, I am not really in the mood myself and I offload, but afterwards I retreat to my little corner and I expected him to do that instead of offloading on me all the time. He has to moderate for god sakes“- he needs time out, doesn’t he, so that he can learn to be by himself when he doesn’t feel like it.

“Both of us are sensitive. I started feeling angry inside more often than not, and maybe that’s a good thing to now be able to feel the anger instead of suppressing it, but I don’t like the frequency of that feeling“- he gets to be a child at your expense.

“He says he is very curious about what I do and says I never tell him anything, but when I start talking he loses focus“- because when you tell him about you, you are not talking about him, and you are keeping him away from.. what he would rather do..?

“I have to deal with feeling unseen a lot“- a mother’s job is to see the child; it’s not the child’s job to see the mother. Indeed parenting, the way it should be, is very much a selfless project.

“I also feel the only things I can do peacefully at home is when I know I’m not going to get interrupted“- like a mother who needs a break from her always- there, always active/ demanding child.

“What issues am I creating myself? I think sometimes I withdraw too much and that creates anxiety for him“- children do get anxious when their mother withdraws.

“the question I ask myself is: are we able to adapt to each other?“- are you willing to adapt to the role of a mother? I don’t think he is willing to adapt to the role of a grown-up.

“I also just booked couple’s therapy. I have been insisting for a few months and he finally gave in“-

– here is something that can help from  Cleveland clinic. org/Peter Pan Syndrome May Have You Saying, ‘I Don’t Want To Grow Up’: “… for some, growing up seems near impossible — so much so, that their immaturity can ruin relationships… Growing up is particularly difficult for people who have what’s popularly known as Peter Pan syndrome… Peter Pan syndrome (PPS), while not a recognized diagnosis, is a popular psychology term used to describe an adult who has difficulty growing up. The term is derived from the fictional character of Peter Pan, a magical boy who never grows old… ‘Much like Peter Pan, these individuals experience a failure to launch or a refusal to grow up… There’s sort of an egocentric nature to them…

“people with PPS will often seek out others who have what’s called Wendy syndrome. Named after… Peter Pan’s friend, Wendy syndrome also isn’t an official diagnosis, but a popular psychology term used to describe an adult who is empathetic, nurturing and even self-sacrificing…. people who are highly nurturing and want to be of service to others…
<p class=”text-gray-800 my-rem16px text-rem19px leading-rem34px ” data-identity=”paragraph-element”>“In the beginning, it’s a match made in heaven. You have someone with PPS who’s really fun and charismatic that draws this other person in, and the person who has Wendy syndrome is able to be there for them, support them and offer suggestions to try to better them. But the problem is that it eventually backfires, and the person with Wendy syndrome inevitably starts to feel taken advantage of… With the Peter Pan and Wendy syndromes, the relationship ultimately falls apart when both people are at odds with each other’s behaviors.</p>
<p class=”text-gray-800 my-rem16px text-rem19px leading-rem34px ” data-identity=”paragraph-element”>“People with Wendy syndrome tend to experience emotional burnout because they’re constantly feeling like they’re giving and giving and not getting anything in return… At the same time, people with PPS may feel that their partner is controlling, trying to change them… As people with PPS have difficulty maintaining healthy boundaries, they’ll often jump from one person or relationship to the next in search of people who enable their behaviors…</p>
<p data-identity=”paragraph-element”>”For people with Peter Pan syndrome, their distress tolerance is very low, which leads them to avoid certain situations because there’s this tendency to not be able to hold onto or tolerate these more difficult feelings… When conflicts arise or the person who has PPS is confronted about their lack of maturity, even having a healthy, productive conversation may prove to be difficult… Without being able to tolerate distress, it’s really hard to hear any criticism and therefore it becomes really difficult to have mature conflict resolution…</p>
<p data-identity=”paragraph-element”>”Like most things related to psychology, the characteristics of Peter Pan syndrome exist on a spectrum, and what’s problematic for some may not be problematic for others… For therapy to work, they need to be willing to recognize and discuss what changes they want for their life and the cost of continuing if they do not make these changes… Often, at the core of entitled and self-centered behavior is very low self-esteem… Therapy can help people improve their self-esteem…</p>
<p data-identity=”paragraph-element”>”And often, the core of therapy sessions revolves around increasing one’s distress tolerance… What often happens with people who have a low distress tolerance is that the minute something uncomfortable bubbles up, they push it away. They’re not even really knowing what they’re feeling… So, we start by naming our feelings…  asking yourself questions like: What are you feeling right now? Can you locate in your body where you’re feeling it?… Making space for feelings is challenging for many people because they’re used to pushing them away or distracting themselves from difficult emotions… it’s about staying with that feeling and trying to give it more life as opposed to fleeing from it or avoiding it. By doing this, you’re building that distress tolerance”.</p>
<p data-identity=”paragraph-element”>End of quotes.</p>
<p data-identity=”paragraph-element”>anita</p>