Was he not into me or did I scare him off?

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This topic has 9 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 5 months, 4 weeks ago by Rosie.

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June 17, 2024 at 5:24 am #433887

flow28
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I met this guy online. Everything was going almost perfectly fine, he was texting me a lot, calling, setting up dates etc. He said he’d never felt so good with anyone before. He mentioned us being in a relationship in the future & formed the impression that we were in an exclusive relationship but never outwardly & clearly asked me to be his gf. He said ‘for us to blah blah (I don’t remember at this point) we’d have to be in a relationship’ and then he added ‘but when we get into one in the future, we will (…)’. I said ‘then let’s say we are in one’ (yeah, a bit ambiguous but he didn’t comment on that). I was sure we were together. He added he wouldn’t cheat on me & that he uninstalled the app. During our early dates he would make sexual innuendos and jokes & he complimented my looks. He talked about his sexual preferences. We had sex after 2 months and he took my virginity. The sex happened only 2 times throughout the relationship (I was being cautious).

The thing that bothered me was that he was constantly travelling without me, either with his friends or family. I started arguing more. Fast forward 2 months later I started a second argument about him planning to go away for a 2-week long trip to the seaside with his friends without me, with drinking and a club included like they’ve been doing for years. I told him he should compromise and either take me for that holiday or not go as these are tempting circumstances to cheat. Personally it’s also too long for me to be left for 2 weeks. A few days is fine but not that long. I had several other remarks about some of his behaviors and he usually apologized. I suspected him of being gay (he wasn’t really affectionate and he had some feminine mannerisms). We talked it out and he said he was 100% straight.

I said someone who loves his gf would take her with him (neither of us told each other the L word though). He was like ‘you’re not my gf’, ‘we’re not together yet, we’re still seeing each other because we’re not close enough & we haven’t had that talk and you don’t trust me’, and that we’re not officially a couple yet. I feel like he gaslighted me since he said we were seeing each other once a week or even less, which is completely untrue (it was 2-3 times per week). He said we weren’t texting regularly but we were. He said he felt uncomfortable with me treating it as if we’re a bf & gf bc ‘it’s not at that level of closeness’ & that he didn’t like such control. He has told me he hasn’t asked me to be official because I didn’t trust him & because we weren’t seeing each other, texting and calling enough. He even agreed that me stopping him from going on the holiday would make sense if we were officially together. Aren’t all of these just excuses though..? He shouldn’t be finding excuses for why he won’t ask me to be his gf imo.

He also added ‘it’s too soon for me to love, I need time’. What?? I was very hurt by these comments, ignored him and unfriended him on social media. After two weeks I contacted him with an ultimatum ‘either we’re officially together or not’. I told him it seems like using me for sex. He tried to put it on me saying ‘you were the one who initiated it & I wasn’t ready’. That’s such BS! I only initiated the topic but he was the one who ‘materialized’ sex the next time. Then he said ‘after all of this I don’t see the prospect of a serious relationship’.

He’d been consistently acting like he was into me all these months before I started the second argument. It’s so painful because he had planned stuff with me, had called, texted a lot, had introduced me to his friends and mentioned me hypothetically being his wife. We had so much in common, mutual interests and passions. Was this guy just not that into me? Was he only after sex? I think he also lied to me about being a virgin (he said he had been with many girls but didn’t sleep with anyone before me). I honestly doubt that since he’s 21.. Now he’s seeing someone else.

June 17, 2024 at 6:54 am #433894

Roberta
Participant

Dear Flow28

I am sorry that your first intimate encounter turned out not to be in a fully committed relationship.

Does the country you both live in and or his religion prohibit gay relationships?

Nobody likes being given ultimatums especially so early on in a relationships. Yes you can voice your fears regarding alcohol and the possible promiscuous behavior. My son and his friends had a similar tradition for many years, yes there was some drinking, these trips petered out once they had dispersed to different locations, now my son is happily married and with children, but he still gets to visit his best friend for a week end each year with his wife’s blessing and she too is able to have girlie downtime.

It is strange that he did not think that the relationship was not deep enough to commit to official bf/gf status either before or after sexual activity. He may be the type of personality that likes the chase, but is not really interested in the act of conquest itself.

Please do not become bitter or untrusting because of this short lived encounter. Value & love yourself so that when the right seeds for a relationship are sow it will be a happy & supportive.

June 17, 2024 at 7:37 am #433900

anita
Participant

Dear Flow28:

“He was texting me a lot, calling, setting up dates etc. He said he’d never felt so good with anyone before. He mentioned us being in a relationship in the future“- he was already in a relationship with you when he said that there may be a relationship in the future.

“He said ‘for us to blah blah (I don’t remember at this point) we’d have to be in a relationship’ and then he added ‘but when we get into one in the future, we will (…)’“- indirectly, he made a promise to you: that there will be a relationship in the future (while there was one in the present).

“He added he wouldn’t cheat on me & that he uninstalled the app.”- according to his words, he was in an exclusive relationship with you.

“I said someone who loves his gf would take her with him… He was like ‘you’re not my gf’, ‘we’re not together yet, we’re still seeing each other…’“- the image of a man (after a swim) sitting by the pool with one foot in the water, comes to mind, saying: I am not in the pool yet.

“he said we were seeing each other once a week or even less, which is completely untrue (it was 2-3 times per week). He said we weren’t texting regularly but we were“- continuing the image above, you tell the man sitting by the pool: what do you mean you are not in the pool yet, you were in it 10 minutes ago, that’s why you are still wet! And he says: no I wasn’t! Or, I almost wasn’t.

“He said he felt uncomfortable with me treating it as if we’re a bf & gf bc ‘it’s not at that level of closeness’ & that he didn’t like such control. He has told me he hasn’t asked me to be official because I didn’t trust him“-

– the clue to his behavior may be in the words control and trust: maybe he doesn’t trust women and fears being controlled by a woman, so he, figuratively, only dips his foot in the water, or if he takes a swim, he quickly exits the pool and denies he was in it.

“During our early dates he would make sexual innuendos and jokes & he complimented my looks. He talked about his sexual preferences… he wasn’t really affectionate… he said he had been with many girls but didn’t sleep with anyone before me“- it is possible that he lied when he told you that he didn’t sleep with anyone before you, and that he lied about other things as well, and like most or all people who lie, some of what he said was true, overall producing a mix of truths and lies. It is also possible that he has a very low sexual drive.

What do you think?

anita

June 17, 2024 at 8:48 am #433902

Helcat
Participant

Hi Flow

I’m sorry to hear that things didn’t work out with a man. It sounds like it was a bad match. You accused him of cheating, were controlling trying to prevent him from going on holiday with friends, something that he had always done and you called him gay. There is no wonder he wasn’t interested in making the relationship official.

I’m sorry that you feel like you were used. But perhaps reflecting on how to treat people is important. People don’t like being treat poorly.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏❤️

June 17, 2024 at 9:17 am #433904

flow28
Participant

I don’t think it’s that controlling. He admitted himself that forbidding him to go on the holiday would make sense if we were officially together but according to him we weren’t.

June 17, 2024 at 9:18 am #433905

Helcat
Participant

On the subject of modern dating practices, people often try out relationships before going official. If they don’t directly ask it isn’t official. Quite often people will ask for you to be exclusive while trying things out. So you mistakenly saw things as official because he suggested it may head that way in the future.

What is the difference between official and not? Honestly, not much. A relationship is a relationship is a relationship. Not being official means that they are not interested in the bare minimum level of commitment. Dating sucks and being new to relationships you were taken advantage of. A half decent person would have gone official first before taking your virginity. So you aren’t missing much as he doesn’t have common decency.

Please do more do protect yourself in the future. You deserve better than someone who isn’t willing to make a minimal level of commitment.

June 17, 2024 at 3:23 pm #433917

anita
Participant

Dear Flow28: I didn’t do a good job in my first reply. I’ll try again:

I can see how hurt you are. The shock and disappointment: from “I was sure we were together” to him saying: “we’re not together yet“, his preference to go to a long trip without you, and now, he’s seeing someone else. All this left you hurt, sad, angry, doubting if he was not into you, or if you scared him off.

It is hard to analyze his words (those you quoted) without seeing the context: the whole conversation, what led to it, etc.

Seems like you were more interested in him than he was in you, and so, the (unofficial) relationship had a power imbalance: you were in the weak position, the one chasing him to take you with him on the long trip, the one pressuring him to make the relationship official (the ultimatum), the one hanging on his words.

And seems to me that he has some problems that preceded you and more likely than not, there would have been a breakup even if you behaved.. perfectly. After all, most relationships, particularly those starting online, don’t last long.

I am sorry that you are hurting and I hope that you will learn what you can learn from the experience and that you feel better soon. Learning often makes me feel better. i hope to read from you again.

anita

June 20, 2024 at 8:53 pm #434094

Tommy
Participant

I am guessing that things seem to be different now. When I met the right girl, we would talk all the time. Smile when we met. The first time we kissed, we knew it was right. Intimacy meant exclusiveness. And that was kissing and touching parts of the body. There didn’t need to be a verbal contract. We just knew.

It seems to me that he was a snake. Make talk that you wanted to hear and then behave badly. Took advantage of you and goes off about how you are not together. Having sex means the two are together. We aren’t one night stands kind of people. If he is then leave him. Leave him quickly. Cut off any talk or text. Someone like that does not deserve you. Be strong. You can do better than him.

What man spends two months with a woman only to have sex and then say they are not GF and BF?? And he took your “V”? That just sounds like a dog doing his dirty deeds. Kick him out. You don’t need this crap. Find someone who will honor you for the good person you are.

June 21, 2024 at 12:44 am #434103

flow28
Participant

It was actually 4 months in total. He still wanted to see me but after these hurtful things he said I had to unfriend & ignore.

June 22, 2024 at 6:46 am #434130

Rosie
Participant

You sound understandably confused and upset. He wanted sex and got it. You haven’t ‘lost’ your virginity- you had sex for the first time with someone who didn’t want a long term relationship with you. If someone enjoys spending time with you then they will want to spend time with the genuine you. Don’t change yourself to suit another AND we can all work on making ourselves better versions (it will depend on your values – I’m not talking appearance). Always work on developing yourself into the sort of person you’d like to be and that will attract the sort of other people that you want to be with.
The hurt will heal and you will have learnt some valuable lessons about your self worth from this interaction.
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