Dear Shy:

I am glad that you started your thread. I just finished reading your first 2 paragraphs, and find your wording very interesting. I will comment on what I read so far, then read some more, comment (before reading what’s next), etc. The boldfaced indicates your words:

You described yourself as very quiet, a ghost. But I can already “hear” noise within you, the noise of doubt (“skeptical to a fault“) and guilt (“my situation is largely my fault… made myself unapproachable“).

You were bullied. In high school you were “always on my phone, unkempt, back of class“.

“You would think then, I’d feel greatly appreciative of my best friend… but I don’t enjoy her anymore“- I wouldn’t think that a person would (or should) necessarily feel greatly appreciative of their only in-real-life friend. I am curious to read further about how you feel about K.

“Lately when she messages me and a mutual acquaintance, often about work, I don’t have much motivation to open… I don’t feel surprised with her anymore, or a spark. It’s on life support for me but again, I feel terrible about it“- reads to me that you feel that you should feel differently about K, and you feel guilty that you don’t feel the way you are.. supposed to feel.

“Any advice from anyone who’s been here? Or close to?”- yes, allow yourself to feel what you feel. It is your fundamental, biological right to feel all that you feel. You don’t have to justify what you feel.

We don’t choose what we feel. No personal choice= no personal responsibility= no valid guilt.

We have some choice as to what we say, type, and do. There’s personal responsibility when it comes to what we put out there into the world, but no personal responsibility to what we feel inside ourselves, in that distance in-between our ears.

How should you act then, toward K, what should you say/ type to her, if anything? My answer to my own question: don’t fake a spark, feeling surprised with her, a motivation you don’t have. Be true to yourself and be kind to her at the same time.

Can you do these two things: being true to yourself (and therefore, being kind to yourself) and being kind to her?

anita