Dear Going Through Life: I will read and reply to you in abut 12 hours from now.

anita

Dear Going Through Life:

What I am getting in touch with this morning in regard to your relationship with SK is how conflicted you were about her and the relationship from the starting of the relationship and always (or almost always), as you said yourself in your most recent post: “From the starting of the relationship I thought there is something wrong but I couldn’t place my finger on it. And I got into overthinking about what was wrong… The relationship was always filled with anxiety and negative feelings“.

In this post, I want to investigate the sources of your anxiety and negative feelings in regard to the relationship with SK.

In your original post, you wrote: “I read articles on Tiny Buddha, trying to pressure myself to change to accept the love she gave, the caring, but it did not happen“- this sentence means that she gave you love but you had trouble accepting her love.

“SK got very codependent, she had her anxiety issues and always texted me and used to be on the phone. I got angry with her… It got so codependent that she used to sleep on the phone with me, when I went on a trip with friends, she was on the phone a whole night. Slowly I got irritated with it“- her codependence on you, her excessive need for you to be attentive to her bothered you, it made you angry.

“I started maintaining some distance. I wanted to fall in love with her, but something kept stopping me“- could be that her excessive need for your attention stopped you from falling in love with her. Could be that a combination of her excessive need for you and your childhood emotional trauma and still troubled home life (“things at home were not good, I self harmed myself a few times“) kept stopping you.

“She never met me much.. many times denied me to meet me physically because she had her studies. Which I understand now, I created pressure on her“- here, it seems like your need for her was greater than her need for you: you pressured her to see you, not the other way around.

“SK was very arrogant and rarely said sorry, may times she made the relationship about her“- this does not fit with the idea that SK is codependent: a codependent person is eager to please and makes the relationship about the other person, that’s in the definition of codependence.

In your 2nd post, you wrote: “She also failed to make time for dates when we were together“- again, this doesn’t fit the behavior of a codependent person.

“What made me scared to love her was that I won’t get to explore more. She was my first intimate relationship. I tried to break up several times stating I want a more casual relationship“- part of you did not want to be with her.

“SK had suicidal thoughts sometimes, and was anxious almost all the time… I’m always anxious when I wake up and miss her and our relationship“- you are both anxious individuals.

Back to your most recent post: “Is it bad that I can’t accept someone for who they are, to tell them to improve?“- can’t accept means that you rejected SK as the person she was.

“I think she has anxious attachment. That’s why she’s always in a rush to get into a relationship with someone“- it seems like you fit an anxious-avoidant attachment style and that she may fit the anxious, (or  a disorganized) attachment style.

From psychology today (I am adding the boldface feature to the quote): “People with an anxious attachment style and those with an avoidant attachment style are often attracted to each other… People with an anxious attachment style tend to fear abandonment and seek closeness and reassurance from their partners. They may feel anxious and insecure when their partner is unavailable or distant, often seeking constant validation and reassurance…

“People with an avoidant attachment style are often uncomfortable with emotional closeness and may value their independence and autonomy. They may feel uncomfortable with intimacy and may tend to distance themselves emotionally or physically when relationships become too close or demanding…

“The dynamics between anxious and avoidant attachment styles can create a push-pull relationship dynamic. People with an anxious attachment style may pursue closeness and reassurance from their partner. People with an avoidant attachment style may feel overwhelmed by what they perceive as neediness or demands for intimacy.

“This difference between the two attachment styles can lead to a cycle of pursuing and distancing behaviors in which no one gets their needs met in the relationship….  The push-pull dynamic between an anxious and avoidant partner can be challenging and lead to a cycle of frustration and dissatisfaction. The anxious partner may constantly feel on edge and insecure due to the avoidant partner’s emotional distance. In contrast, the avoidant partner may feel overwhelmed and pressured by the anxious partner’s need for closeness. This dynamic can result in a cycle of emotional distancing and re-engagement, causing stress and instability in the relationship“.

I boldfaced above what seems to fit your experience of the relationship with SK, including the strong attraction to her (“It was a very passionate and lovely relationship… I was really attracted to her”), and the strong push and pull element, on your part (“I broke up with her..  got into FWB… I again pulled myself away. I did this push and pull a lot with her“).

You shared: “My mother was also always depressed and cried a lot“- was your mother sort of codependent on you? Were you overwhelmed by her emotional neediness?

anita

Dear Going Through Life:

You are welcome. (I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes): “Yes, I agree, she did give me the love and I had trouble accepting it. Even now when I think someone will love me I will end up pushing them away. I’m scared of that deep commitment”-

– love and hurt got associated/ connected in your brain (as it happens to so many of us). We are all afraid of pain (of emotional pain, as in feeling hurt, and of physical pain), and when pain is associated with love, we are afraid of love. So, we push away that which we are afraid of.

“I regret a lot not accepting her love“- I understand. But you do know, don’t you, that it was not your choice to not accept her love. It was a natural, physiological reaction to fear.

“Both our needs were greater than (the) other’s at some point“- very good point, insightful! Sometimes she needed you more than you needed her, and at other times, you needed her more than she needed you.

“I love more through physical touch, whether it be through physical intimacy or by a hug“- another good point: you needed love that’s expressed through physical touch/ intimacy. You shared that she didn’t want physical intimacy (sex) with you at some point, that she was not invested in setting physical dates with you, and that she kept you on the phone for hours- this makes me think that she needed love that’s expressed through words and non-physical attention.

“It (SK’s anxiety) did irritate me sometimes and made me drain out. I also made her drain out of energy when I was in my depression stage… Sometimes she did not (meet) my needs fully“- it is important for a healthy relationship to (1) control or regulate one’s emotions enough so to not drain the other person: to still express one’s emotions, but in a limited, responsible capacity. (2) not to expect the other person to meet all your needs. It is impossible to meet the needs of an adult whose needs were not met in childhood because needs that were unmet for so long, are very intense needs.

“She (mother) was never dependent on me, at that time… I just ignored feeling anything, usually I went numb“- you went numb as a reaction to strong feelings of hurt and fear. This is how it happens that children go numb. Going numb make the child feel less hurt and less fear.

Your numbed hurt and fear woke up in the context of the relationship with SK. (Numbed emotions are still there, they are not dead or gone).

“My mother was never dependent emotionally on anyone“- no human being is never dependent emotionally on anyone, and you were definitely emotionally dependent on your mother, as all children are.

“But I did see her cry a lot. She went through depression and PTSD after 2014″- you were 13 back then. What does a 13-year-old boy think and feel when he sees his mother cry a lot?

“But I do remember me and my mother used to hug a lot“- do you remember the circumstances of those hugs: did you hug her when she cried a lot, to make her feel better, and/ or did she hug you when you were upset, to make you feel better?

“My parents have always been unhappy with each other and they rarely interact even after living in the same house“- is this partly the reason why your mother hugged you a lot? Did she or your father turn to you- or to a sibling of yours- for the attention and interactions that they were lacking in their marriage?

“I think that’s why I really like physical touch“- I think that all humans really like physical touch until we associate physical touch with something negative. Maybe it happened to SK before she met you that she was touched sexually when all she wanted was to be touched affectionally, and … maybe that’s what was behind her rejecting you sexually at one point?

“Isn’t it selfish to not accept someone for how they are, if you really care about them”- (I may be asking too many questions..): do you feel that you did not accept SK for who she is and/ or that she did not accept you for who you are?

“I just want to get better and never hurt someone who I really care about and love“- this is the goal of a good person, good to read this!

anita