“Some of the kindest souls I know have lived in a world that was not so kind to them. Some of the best human beings I know have been through so much at the hands of others, and they still love deeply, they still care. Sometimes, it’s the people who have been hurt the most who refuse to be hardened in this world, because they would never want to make another person feel the same way they have felt. If that isn’t something to be in awe of, I don’t know what is.” ~Bianca Sparacino
I recently came across a meme that implied that helping someone who would not do the same for you is a “toxic trait.”
I’ve been thinking a lot about this meme.
At first, I could totally relate to this; it doesn’t seem fair to give of yourself, your valuable time and resources, to individuals who wouldn’t be bothered to ever do the same in return.
But then I dove a little deeper into that thought.
Friends and family in my own life have accused me of having this “toxic trait,” especially regarding how I help people who have been unkind to me; people who have cheated on or wronged me.
While it’s certainly true, on the surface, and a lot of us are probably “guilty” of giving more than we receive or giving to people who, as illustrated, “wouldn’t do the same” for us, I don’t consider this to be a toxic trait, in the worst sense.
Let me tell you why…
When my ex-husband, a man who has arguably caused the most pain and upheaval in my life and in the lives of my children and family, comes to me with a need, most everyone around me encourages me to dismiss it out of spite or “karmic balance.”
But when I don’t, and instead help when I can, they get angry with me or seem disappointed, as though I have wasted myself and my time on someone unworthy of it.
I used to have this little cross-stitch hanging on my wall that read “People who need love the most deserve it the least.” That’s always stuck with me. Best $1.50 I ever spent at a thrift shop for home décor.
All of us, at some point in time (maybe once, maybe on more than one occasion), have been the person “who would not do the same,” the unworthy one.
Let’s be honest, even the most philanthropic of us can be choosy sometimes with who we give our time, attention, money, and energy to. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, to be considerate of where you spend those treasures.
But my guess is that we all have benefitted from the kindness of someone we wouldn’t necessarily return the kindness to. But maybe we paid it forward to someone else.
If we’re living a decent life, the number of those instances will be small.
But they’re still not zero.
So when we give of ourselves, maybe unknowingly—but even better, with the knowledge that it will not come back to us—we are making a choice to give purely.
Does it sometimes drain us? Yes. And that’s certainly an aspect that needs attention; to replenish oneself in order to give is important.
But is it a toxic trait to be good to someone without the expectation of getting anything in return?
Some of history’s greatest and most outstanding human beings have done just that. Mother Theresa comes to mind, for instance.
I don’t buy into the narrative that giving is toxic, nor is giving to someone who wouldn’t do the same for you.
Genuine, truthful, selfless kindness, that’s what this world needs a little more of—with the understanding that those who are giving need to take time to replenish themselves when necessary. To help without conditions, but rather in love and compassion; that’s the type of person I am trying to make a conscious effort to be.
We should definitely take time to reboot and fill our cups back up when we need to, absolutely. But no one should be faulted for trying to do better, to be bigger, for taking the high road.
We should all be encouraged to do so.
About Cori Skall
Cori Skall is a single mom of four fantastic kids. She works as a radio host, sharing stories and music with audiences in her home state of Maine, and around the globe on radio stations, I-95 Rocks and Z107.3. She hopes, through sharing her life experiences, others might find some strength and hope, or at the very least a moment of entertainment and a smile to get them through their day.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
if you give to people who just exploit you and never give back you neglect others who will be actually thankful and give back (to you or to someone else).
i’m still hurting from the biggest mistake, trusting and supporting someone who paid back with abuse.
I totally agree. Your actions are an expression of “who you are” as a human being and that is independent of all outside circumstances and conditions ❤️⚖️🧘🏾♂️
Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I’m very familiar with the type, as I mentioned. And you are correct, some people just don’t think of others…ever. As frustrating as that is, I try not to let what they do impact my own behavior. You can recognize the behavior and still give, if there is a need. I’m not saying enable, because there is definitely a difference. But to give without judgement, perhaps that’s a better way to put it. I know it’s an unpopular opinion, as stated above. Most people think its a waste of time or energy. I’m just saying it doesn’t have to be if you concentrate on the act of giving instead of who is receiving, if that makes sense.
Not that anyone cares(!), but I agree.
The world needs more of us: not fewer. Let’s keep it going.
There is enough hate here already.
“What the world needs now, is Love, Sweet Love…”
Thank you for taking the time to read the article. I am also healing from broken trust. I am hopeful you are no longer in an abusive and exploitive situation. It can be difficult not to overextend yourself when you give. You are correct in pointing that out. I’m not suggesting anyone give to unappreciative people over giving to those who do appreciate your actions to create a situation of neglect. Who to give to is a personal choice. You are absolutely right. And there are those who should weigh things like safety of mind, body and spirit when making that decision. I’m merely suggesting that if the opportunity arises to help someone who may not necessarily reciprocate, is not a terrible thing–if it’s something you feel call to do and safe in doing. I would not suggest going out of your way to help someone who is a threat to you or your peace. In my own situation, this person has no power left over me, so while he may not be “deserving” in anyone else’s opinion, I can still give to him and have it not negatively affect me. You certainly have to do what’s best for you.
Despite having no real impact on my life i still read a lot about topics like that.
Well, my situation was solved by being ghosted, no contact for >3 years.
Yes, i agree that helping someone is a good thing and is kinda a reward in itself.
Even if that person is “not deserving” but needs it anyway.
I’ve been that way but currently “on hiatus”.
Justice is getting what you deserve.
Mercy is not getting what you deserve.
Grace is getting what you don’t deserve.
Loving kindness is the ideal, however, sadly there are those who will take take take and never think of helping anyone else – a narcissist perhaps. Some learn by example having received kindness they will be eager to pass it on to others , but there are those who think that everything is for them and they need never think of others. It may be hard but we must try to recognise one from the other.
Well put.