Dear Arden:

You shared that you have a friend who’s been helping you a lot in the last month in the process of moving to a new flat. You love and trust this friend 100 percent, and her help is making your life easier. But you feel annoyed and resentful toward her for organizing your belongings the way she sees fit, for being overinvolved in your life, for commenting on how you should furnish your new flat, how you should clean it, etc. You want to have your “own time, alone without her visiting all the time“, your “own space”.

You are questioning whether you are a good person for feeling this way about a friend who is helping you as much as she does, and you are wondering if you feel this way toward her because you fear that you “would never be able to pay her back“, even though you are prepared to have her stay with you in your new flat in the future, if she will need such help.

Did I understand your situation correctly?

anita

Dear Arden:

A thought I had for a while, reading your recent Aug- Sept posts of this year: I see a lot of improvement, a lot of progress in your emotional well-being and I am happy to see it! (I think that you changing your screen name and adding fun emojis are evidence of this improvement?)

Also, good to read that you are moving. Last you shared, in the previous thread,  was that your rent increased by a lot, so I am guessing it’s the reason for the move?

In regard to this thread, I understand your distress regarding this friend- as well intended as she is-  invading your privacy, and interrupting your alone-time, and your ways of organizing and doing things. I think that I would feel similarly if I was in your shoes. I remember that you shared about spending a lot of time alone growing up (as did I). For an introverted person, like you and me, there is anxiety involved in being around people, and calm when alone. We still need people (being the social animals that we were born to be), but we also need enough of alone time so to lower our stress level.

“The fact that I think about this; seems a bit like a bad behavior of mine!? I am questioning my own good will here. I always need my space, I need time to process, to think, to sit still in silence“- I don’t think that your need for alone-time, for your own space, to “sit still in silence” is a bad need, nor do I think that your annoyance with this friend is a bad feeling. Your need and feelings are valid and should be respected- by yourself and by any friend who is a true friend (once they are aware of what it is that your need).

anita

Dear Arden:

It makes me positively emotional to read the first sentence of your post. I will reply further in about 11 hours from now.

anita

Dear Arden:

Thank you for your kind words and empathy.

“Today I was alone and I’ve opened up a video-call with my mother and we kept what we were doing… when we’re not together, I don’t see being neglected that much and we can have a nice conversation, so it works“- it works for you to be thousands of miles from your mother; it works for me too to be thousands of miles away from my mother (and in my case: no video or any other contact)

“Then as usual, they got angry at each other with her husband…  I found myself listening (to) them being angry, and aggressive at each other. Regardless of who’s right or wrong, I felt how fast all of those feelings were transferred to me. I was like a child, listening to the argument taking place where I am at, and having nothing but to listen and soak up all the negativity. Me soaking up all the negativity doesn’t even help them relax, it just happens. I suddenly felt depressed for a moment“-(1)  this is a valuable testimony to how disturbing it is for a child to witness arguments and aggression between parents, and how it is still disturbing for an adult. (2) I hope that your next video call will not include them arguing (tell her that you don’t want this to happen again while on video, or cut the call short one an argument starts: this is the benefit of video and living thousands of miles away!

“I am realizing how I am inclined to feel responsible for others’ misery… I feel responsible for their pain. I feel guilty, and I cannot understand why that happens“- it’s natural for a child to feel responsible for her parents’ misery and pain. For a child, taking such responsibility brings hope: if the child is responsible for a parent’s misery.. the child can make their misery stop (so the child’s thinking or believing goes).

“About courage, and moving alone: I just postponed how I felt..  I haven’t had much time to be emotional in my last three months. I was so afraid before, when everything was vague. For a year, whenever I remember about this relocation possibility, my hands was shaking, my pulse probably elevated each time. But then when it has happened, I feel so much better than I expected. It just happened all at once. Maybe that’s a good example of how anxiety works“- a valuable example and testimony to how anxiety works, and how you can manage and successfully move through it.

“I was so afraid of losing him for a job or for a better life…  I still get a bit anxious towards normal stuff, like jealousy or being afraid that he’ll stop trusting me or trying and so on. But I guess that’s normal. I just think that way because of how I was treated in the past.”- and now, you have some power, in your current life, to think differently, to act differently and to manage your anxiety successfully, one day at a time.

“I am so glad that you’ve found my words refreshing, I hope that you’ll have more refreshed & happy days and moments“- thank you. Your move to a different country in itself is refreshing to me!

In regard to your post that you addressed to me on the other thread: “As for being passive aggressive, I guess I just mixed those with my toxic thoughts in my head. I don’t show them“- being passive-aggressive is a behavior, not a thought pattern.. so you are not passive-aggressive.

“I remember how bad I can think of some people and not show them that. Then I feel a bit like a hypocrite. Maybe that’s what confuses me and makes me think of myself as a passive aggressive person“- there are reasons why you think badly of people/ why you negatively judge them: envying carefree people is one such reason, the desire to be carefree yourself is behind it. The more carefree you manage to become, the less envious and the more positively you will think of others.

“I guess we need to remember that the sides that we don’t like about ourselves also exist on others, and they do not share it“- exactly! But the more you share with me and the more I share with you, the better people we become.

“Thanks for sharing what you think about this and relieving my thoughts about myself.“- you are very welcome, Arden!

anita

Dear Arden:

Thank you for the note of appreciation. It just brought the first smile of the day to my face! And notice: your post above, these two sentences you wrote, they are spontaneous and carefree, good job, Arden!

anita