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  • September 11, 2023 at 9:46 am #421989
    Searching
    Participant

    I recently went through a lot of changes in my personal life, and the toughest thing I find myself dealing with is the lack of people around me / close relationships. For context, I just got divorced recently and even though I have lived in the same city for pretty much most of my life, the few friends I had have all moved away ( I am more of an introvert and usually veer towards having a few close relationships rather than many).

    I had a small bubble of people around me, which kept shrinking and finally burst with the divorce. So here I find myself at the age of 35, completely unsure how to find people (be it friends or a partner) my age, since most people in my age group have “settled down” or already have their own groups.

    When it comes to dating, I have only ever dated the person I married, so being single after such a long time and starting to look for someone else seems daunting. I’m am probably old fashioned (hesitant about apps ) and would rather meet someone organically. But taking into consideration that I have no social circle (and my workplace is not the kind where I get to meet new people) I am not so sure that will happen.

    I feel that I have gotten through the darkest period of this phase, but I am lost when it comes to what I need to do to have people that matter in my life again.

     

    September 11, 2023 at 12:30 pm #422001
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Searching:

    “I am more of an introvert and usually veer towards having a few close relationships rather than many… I’m am probably old fashioned (hesitant about apps ) and would rather meet someone organically.. and my workplace is not the kind where I get to meet new people“-

    – if it’s difficult for you, as an introvert, to socialize in the context of large gatherings of people, and you don’t have  opportunities to meet one small number of new people at a time, then maybe online dating can work for you if you work it.. in an old fashioned way. You can choose the app that fits you better than other apps, present yourself in a way that suits your old fashioned ways, and interact with people in ways that feel right to you. Does this make any sense to you?

    anita

    September 12, 2023 at 9:41 am #422025
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Searching

    You are embarking on a new stage of your life, take time to find your joy, being in a relationship isnt the be all and end all.

    One can still be extremely lonely within a relationship, where as when one becomes comfortable with their own company even when lonelyness rears it ugly head means that you will not be anxious or overly clinging when relationship/friendships do happen.

    Are there any courses or group activities in your area that you might like to give a go?  Walking or wild swimming groups are not usually overly large and being outdoors is good for physical & mental health. Also night school classes might have the numbers of people that you would feel comfortable with. Voulenteering is a good way to meet new people and helps to feel connected with your community.

    Wishing you all the best

    September 14, 2023 at 8:10 am #422077
    Searching
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your response. Yes, I do understand that, I guess I just have to overcome my initial hesitancy and try it out.

    September 14, 2023 at 8:15 am #422078
    Searching
    Participant

    Hi Roberta,

    Thank you for your response. This is exactly the kind of thing I have been working on, while I understand that being ok even if you are alone is crucial, I also know that in the long term I would still like to have atleast a few close people around me.

    I have tried attending a few events and volunteering activities, but I do feel that it’s harder to find people in my age group since most people already have their own circles by then.

    September 14, 2023 at 8:58 am #422084
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Searching:

    You are very welcome. I agree with you that “being ok even if you are alone is crucial“, and I agree with the words of a song that says that we are “people who need people“. We are social beings, like other social animals, and being alone for too long is therefore, naturally depressing.

    “I have tried attending a few events and volunteering activities, but I do feel that it’s harder to find people in my age group since most people already have their own circles by then“- this is where technology (dating apps)  can be helpful: finding the people in your age group.

    “I guess I just have to overcome my initial hesitancy and try it out“- the way to deal with hesitancy/ anxiety about trying something new, is to take it one step at a time: taking the first step without thinking about (and getting overwhelmed with) the next step, and the next. A first step might be to look at different dating apps with the thought: if I was to choose an app which one would it be?

    anita

    September 14, 2023 at 11:17 am #422090
    LunaIsHere
    Participant

    First of all, I congratulate you for your willingness to take this leap of faith in yourself when it comes to socializing. I’m an introvert myself, and I know how it feels to have only a small circle that you keep to yourself for emotional and mental support rather than a large one that you hardly really know. I’m sorry about what happened to your friends’ group.

    Yet, I think right now is a good time to get to know yourself again. My suggestion would be to take up a new hobby, best if it is outdoors and has a community where you live. It would also be a good idea if you could consider coaching to make the process easier to shift from the divorce and to redefine your goals, and your motivation in life. However, it is not necessary as there is so much that you can do by yourself: Go on a trip if you can and try to rebuild your circle of friendships, join a reading club. There are so many options for you right now and the key is to find the joy of being yourself out there again.

    I hope you find what you’re looking for soon, my friend.

    All the best,

    Luna

    September 17, 2023 at 6:04 am #422170
    Searching
    Participant

    Thank you Luna. I do agree about getting to know yourself again. I do have to keep looking for activities / groups that offer what I am looking for, but I am infact headed out on a trip soon! And I think I have finally reached a stage where I can enjoy things by myself, so I am excited about that.

    September 17, 2023 at 9:35 am #422174
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Searching

    Congratulations in putting yourself out there. I hope your trip meets your expectations and that any curves or bumps give you new horizons. Look forward to hearing how it went for you.

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