Andre,
I recently saw a very similar pattern to this in Kim, and responded to her in the following post:
A mess
Perhaps those words will help you? If you wish, give them a read and see if they help. If not, feel free to ask more questions. We all have a unique path to joy, and all of our pains seems like ours alone, but there are similarities and solutions that transcend the individualistic nature of our “crazy patterns”. Feel free to respond here or there, I’ll keep an eye out.
Namaste.
With warmth,
Matt