Dear Katrine Nielsen:

Good to read from you again! I took a couple of hours to re-read your previous threads so to get a better understanding of your current thread. In this thread, you shared that you work at a hostel where a new guy started working in April this year, five months ago.

I read your account of events and impressions, and reads to me that he does like you and that he is “very shy and awkward” when he likes a woman and doesn’t know if she likes him back, fearing rejection.

But there is a possibility that he likes you as a friend, or maybe as a younger sister that he feels protective toward. I don’t know. What do you think?

anita

Dear Katrine Nielsen,

after reading your latest posts, my opinion of him has slightly changed: I think he is sending you mixed signals and playing with your feelings. Perhaps he himself doesn’t know what he wants. Because you did declare your interest in him. You said “I’m sorry for today your not interested it’s hard for me to read people.” And he replied: “No I’m not interested, your amazing person but I don’t see you that way.

His behavior up until till latest development indicated that he is more than interested, but then he sort of blew it, by 1) coming to the yoga/karate class with his brother, 2) being high, so that he couldn’t even pronounce words properly. Both of those behaviors (bringing along a third person on what was supposed to be a date, and being high) are romance killers, so it seems like he wanted to ruin it on purpose.

It could be that he is soooo afraid of relationship, that he’d rather sabotage it than risk getting into one. Because his behavior on the yoga date surely looks like sabotage or self-sabotage. And then he confirmed it by telling you that he wasn’t interested in you. I don’t think this is necessarily true, it’s more likely that he got cold feet.

But still, you can’t force someone into a relationship, so if he really isn’t interested, or has a strong fear of relationship, there is no point in pushing it. Perhaps it’s for the better, since he seems very confused and not in a good place mentally. He even told you that “he gets sick of people and places fast because of his mental health.” So perhaps he’s afraid that he would get sick of you too, and he doesn’t want this to happen? So he is sort of protecting you from himself by not wanting to get involved?

Dear Katrine Nielsen:

I want to make this reply comprehensive and include some of what you shared in previous threads, as all that you shared is connected, and it can be helpful now to consider it all (quotes from previous threads are italicized while quotes from your current thread are in regular print):

“I got diagnosed with Complex PTSD last October”- I am not surprised, given what you shared before: “I’m a 30-year-old woman who have struggled with severe anxiety, depression and stress starting at the age of 7” (Aug 2020).  At the time, because of Covid, you were back at your parents’ home in your native country, “unemployed, no friends“, following  1.5 amazing years working and socializing in London. You wrote back then, 2 years ago: “For the first time in my life, I started feeling like a normal person, and now I’m back to Square one“.

In September 2020, you shared that you (30)  live with your mother, father and older sister (35), that your sister has been brain damaged since she was 12 following a years-long undiagnosed and mistreated Encephalitis (inflammation of the brain) and her behaviors were very troubling to your mother and to you. She was in the habit of taking any innocent comment made in the home as “a personal attack on her“, and at least at times, proceeding to do the following: “yelling and screaming.. pulling her hair and rolling around on the floor… verbally turn her anger out on my parents“.

You shared that your mother has “untreated trauma” that has been aggravated by your sister condition and behaviors, while your father “doesn’t think it’s that bad“. Seeing your mother, “the rock in our family… the one who is always there and keeps us going“, seeing her crying over your sister’s behavior, “was so terrifying” to you. “If she falls, we all fall“, you wrote.

You shared back in Sept 2020: “I’ve never had a boyfriend. Something always happened, they move away, got fired from work, dropped out of school, ending things before they even started… I deal with social anxiety and I have trust issues, not saying all men are players, but I never trust that someone could be interested in a relationship with me. And I’m bad at going out and meeting people“.

In April 2021, you shared that you made plans to meet up with a female friend, but on the day you were supposed to meet her, you “had a meltdown due to stress“, so you cancelled the meet up. The friend (who was diagnosed with BPD), accused you of cancelling the meet up “on purpose to deliberately hurt her“, and wouldn’t believe your sincere explanation that you cancelled because of your meltdown, and not for the purpose of hurting her.  You also shared at the time in regard to your parents: “Both my parents have had trauma growing up, and they never taking care of those wounds“.

Your last post on that thread, on April 25,  2021, ended positively: “I’ve been criticized and bullied, not just by other people, but by myself (just) as much. I’ve been insensitive and mean toward myself, so trying being nice and compassionate with myself would definitely be a better approach. Like being my own parent, so to speak… Learning to be my number one supporter, and setting boundaries is necessary, and not something that means that I’m selfish“.

In your current thread (a year and 3 months after the post above), 2nd and 3rd post, you wrote regarding your male co-worker (“the cute guy”): “I needed to know that I wasn’t crazy for starting to think he liked me”.

Given your social anxiety and diagnosed C-PTSD, it was very courageous of you to initiate a karate lesson with him. He didn’t feel capable of teaching you karate, but he suggested other activities that two of you can do together: “swimming, or running or yoga” and the two of you , as well as his brother, met in his favorite park, did about 40 minutes of yoga and hung out afterwards for a few hours. On the scenic walk back from the park, he said, out of the blue, that he can see himself living in the capital of your country and asked you how far is your hometown from the capital. At that point, it seemed like he was interested in you in a romantic sense, and so, courageously again, you cautiously asked him if he was interested in you. “He replied no I’m not interested your amazing person but I don’t see you that way”.

Your reaction: “I was heartbroken and confused. It takes a lot before I believe a guy likes me and everybody who knew him better than me said the same thing. We are all confused. I have guy colleagues who feels protecting of me like a sister but none of them are awkward around me…There were a lot of other signs that I have left out because the post would be too long”.

You shared about the “cute guy”, in parenthesis: “(he has inattentive Adhd)”- this mental-emotional-physical disorder (like the others that I boldfaced above) deserves a more prominent placement than in parenthesis because like the others, it carries a lot of power over a person’s behaviors when untreated or mistreated (ex., of mistreatment: using alcohol and drugs).

While doing yoga, he “couldn’t even remember basic words like elbow, shoulder and knee”,  he seemed “out  of it” or “like he was on something”, perhaps alcohol. You shared about the cute guy’s brother that he “didn’t speak the whole time unless spoken to”. Back to the cute guy: “he has a lot of trauma. He grew up in an abusive home, moved a lot as a kid didn’t have friends saw two of his friends get stabbed in front of him. He has a lot of anxiety (he put butter in his coffee last Tuesday to help ease his anxiety), he has periods of time where he doesn’t eat all day even when he is working… he still has days were he shows up to work hungover with no sleep. I have to see him at work tomorrow. Hopefully he won’t remember our conversation because his memory is worse than any person I have met”.

My understanding: I placed words that indicate trauma (physical, mental, emotional) and mental illnesses and disorders in boldface, above Did you notice that everyone you mentioned suffered trauma: your mother, your father, your sister, yourself, the cute guy and his brother. And everyone seems to fit the criteria of one or more mental-emotional disorders?

This is not unusual. Two days ago, Sept 20, before reading your recent thread (and not having you and your story in mind), I posted in who‘s thread (you can find the post on the first page of lists of threads), the following: “We humans are all mentally ill and mentally healthy, different extents at different times. We all suffer the consequences of mental illness that carries on from one generation to the next and to the next. We are all direct victims of people who abuse us, and co-victims of the people who abused our abusers“.

I used to think, as an emotionally disturbed teenager and young adult, that one day, when I get older and better, I will join a normal world. I thought that I was the exception and most other people are mentally- emotionally healthy. I was wrong. I am healthier now than I’ve ever been and … there is no normal world for me to join. There is and has been too much trauma in the world for too long, and people’s health is greatly affected. Many spread the trauma further, be it in severe ways or subtle ways. It takes courage and learning to identify those ways and stop them, so to do no harm to others.

Back to the guy, this is my best guess as to his behaviors and motivations: he identified with your level of anxiety, seeing himself in you, feeling close to you because of the similarities. So, he expressed that closeness and his desire for more closeness, including practical closeness, most recently (living close to each other in the capital city of your country), but then.. he got scared.

It would have been nice if love triumphed over fear and (1) he would say to himself something like this: I really like Katrine. I am scared but she is scared too. If we help each other, together we can be less scared and we can make our lives better.. how exciting this would be!  And (2) he would do all that he can to make it happen.

But he didn’t because he was scared and because selfishness and mental illness often go together. A person who is unwell is not inclined to think much or care much about how his/ her behavior affects others. There is selfishness and carelessness that often characterize mental (and physical) illness.

I wrote all the above before reading your most recent post, Katrine. In your post of less than half an hour ago, you shared that indeed there are similarities between the two of you (“I have done the same patterns that he is showing… we might have the same attachment issues… I did the same…”). I think that he noticed the similarities as well, like I suggested above.

You wrote in your recent post: “The thought of intimacy was scary, I will even start to physically shake when a guy gets close intimately or physically”- it’s the childhood experience of the people we love either hurting us, or allowing others to hurt us, that makes us distrust and be scared of love.

“In person and over text he was completely normal and kept trying to find things for us to do and then 5 min before his behaviour changes. I am writing to try and regulate my emotions so I can move on and not hurt like this for too long”- I think that his rejection of you was his way of regulating his emotions, lowering his anxiety, and maybe his anger as well. You didn’t mention him behaving angrily, but anger is always there, somewhere in the mix.

The title of your thread is: “Does he like me?”. My answer is Yes. I wonder what he will say if you asked him: Are you afraid to me, or are you afraid of loving me…?

anita

Dear Katrine,

in my previous post, I didn’t express myself well. I said “I think he is sending you mixed signals and playing with your feelings”. Well, he is definitely sending you mixed signals, but he isn’t playing with your feelings on purpose. He does it because he is afraid of relationship. So I agree with anita and am pretty sure that yes, he likes you, but he is afraid to admit it.

I needed to know that i wasn’t crazy for starting to think he liked me.

You are not “crazy” for thinking that he likes you, you’re not imagining things, your perception is correct! How does this knowing that he likes you (and that your perception is correct) make you feel?

Dear Katrine,

Honestly it nearly made me cry knowing I can trust my own perception of things and I’m not crazy.

I am happy for you, and I would encourage you to take in and memorize, to sort of “breathe in” the truth that “I can trust my own perception, I am not crazy”. I know how important it was for me to realize a somewhat similar truth about myself, which was: “I know what is best for me”. Because for years, I was confused, didn’t trust myself and allowed other people to tell me what’s best for me. It was a tormenting feeling. And so realizing that “I know what’s best for me” gave me so much freedom and increased my self-esteem. Similarly for you, I think that internalizing the truth “I can trust my own perception, I am not crazy” could boost your self-esteem. I sure hope it will!

But I nearly did the same i nearly cancelled my housewarming because of anxiety i didn’t really believe that they wanted to be there.

It’s good that you were aware of the anxiety rising within you, but nevertheless, you haven’t cancelled the party. That’s a success!

it’s extremely hard losing something you think was gonna happen expecially after a isolated and lonesome life

I am sorry it didn’t happen this time… but honestly, if he had “made a move”, would you have responded positively? I am asking because you said you too are very afraid of intimacy:

I think we might have the same attachment issues here, we keep getting close to each other and then it stops and starts again. I did the same with a guy pre pandemic i liked him but the moment he wanted me i bolted and went with a guy that wasn’t good. The thought of intimacy was scare i will even start to physically shake when a guy gets close intimate or physically.

How do you think you would have reacted if he made a move on you? Would you have accepted his advances or it would have been too scary?

Dear Katrine,

I feel soo relieved that i can trust myself and my gut instinct. We just said hi to each other and he smiled so i feel a bit better.

Aaw that’s so sweet! I am glad that you’re feeling at least a little better!

Yes i would have said yes to him. Because earlier this year i had my first intimate experience with a man it was scary and I took a couple of weeks for my mind and body to relax in it. But it only happened because i went through with it even though i was terrifiying and foreign to me.

I am glad you would have said yes to the man you like and who likes you too! You say you had your first intimate experience earlier this year with a man who said he liked you (although you didn’t believe it at the time), and so you kind of made yourself to do it, even though it was scary, terrifying and foreign to you. May I ask – did you like that man? It’s okay if you didn’t, I am just asking because there might be something I’d like to add. But please feel free not to answer the question, if you find it intrusive.