Dear Tineoidea:

I will retell your story in a summarized fashion, in my effort to “make sense of this“:

You had an almost 2-year long distance relationship with a woman (let’s refer to her as W), including a few months in-person. It was amazing, “never a boring or dull moment, and the feelings, attraction only kept growing stronger… connected on most levels“. The plan was marriage and a life together in her country.

A man friend of yours (let’s refer to him as M) was angry at W because he felt that she replaced him in your life. M told you this about W: “(She is) being a pretender that will only harm me, will tear us two apart“, and later you wrote about M: “I do know that the guy can be very controlling and possessive, as I have dealt with it many times“-

– I need to pause on retelling your story and ask you: can you elaborate on your relationship with M, the history of the relationship (sounds like it was very close, perhaps romantic)?

Back to your story: M abused W, “treating her like a lesser being“, she “suffered a lot over it, cried a lot“, and yet, you did not end your friendship with him. You were “intent on cutting him off” but you didn’t. He then “kept doubling up on his abuse of her“, but you still didn’t end your relationship with the man who abused the woman you planned to marry. Instead of ending your relationship with him, you “kept trying to mediate“.

I will pause here. You wrote about your relationship with W: “At the start we helped each other a great deal emotionally, unraveled each other’s issues“, and later, you wrote about W: “She has a history of being stuck in abusive relationships“. I imagine then that at the start of the relationship, when the two of you unraveled each other’s issues, you learned that she has a history of being stuck in abusive relationships. My question is: while W was abused by M, why did you not do all that you could to prevent him from abusing her, including ending all contact with M?

Back to your story, you wrote: “Eventually I had to cut him off from her… things didn’t really improve in between him and me“-

Another pause to ask: how did you cut him off her, and why did you not cut him off you?

Back to your story: “at a point I decided to simply cut him off as that’s not the kind of the friend I want. Needless to say that he didn’t take this well“. Next W got close with M, turning against you. Next, she broke up with you. As this was happening, “she denied romantic involvement with him“, and “he kept saying that they’re falling in love“.

I would like to reply further if and when I receive your answers.

anita

Dear Tineoidea:

“He’s been a close friend of mine for a very long time, although things have always been somewhat rocky in between us and I’ve had to fend off his possessiveness. Nevertheless we got along pretty well“-

– I can’t put together, in my mind, these two things: “always been somewhat rocky”, and “we got along pretty well” unless.. perhaps you enjoyed his possessiveness, or you enjoyed the rocky nature of the relationship with him (?)

“There wasn’t anything romantic in between us for over a decade but there may have been something on his side during the first years, although it was never reciprocated and so it died off quickly“- but it didn’t die off a long time ago: M was trying so hard to separate you from W most recently because of his romantic interest in you still, don’t you think?

“I myself didn’t want to lose a lifelong friend“- why didn’t you want to lose a possessive man who was trying hard to separate you from your girlfriend?

In the title of your thread, you asked: “Help me make sense of this“. I think that the missing sense (in my mind, at this point), is primarily in the nature of your relationship with M, not in your relationship with W.

“This isn’t only about our romantic relationship, she betrayed me as a close friend as well“- there is some unclear (to me) connection between you and M, and the two of you together, through that connection, betrayed W- that’s my feel for what happened, at this point.

anita

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by .

Dear Tineoidea:

About you and M, you wrote: “we connected on other levels and those were flaws I was willing to overlook“. You were strong enough to overlook his possessiveness, strong enough to endure a rocky relationship with him.

Sometime after W entered a relationship with M, she was not strong enough to overlook his possessiveness, and she was not strong enough to endure a rocky relationship with him. She felt too much empathy for him, and too much of a desire to please him. So she pleased his desire to possess her, hoping that he will be satisfied and calm as a result (“She did mention feeling an unexplainable attraction and empathy towards him“).

Regarding M, you wrote: “To him the issue was that she was ‘replacing’ him as my closest friend“- His possessiveness found its satisfaction with W, he finally succeeded to possess someone. And so, he replaced you with her.

As a result of being possessed, W is confused, lost and troubled.

anita

Dear Tineoidea:

You are welcome.

Regarding M, you wrote: “Despite everything, I still cherish the memories we created together“-

– I think that “Despite everything”, you still view your relationship with him as something quite wonderful and you want to resume it. Problem is that M has a need to Possess. You managed his need quite well, but W is not able to follow suit: she can’t do what you can do, in this regard.

Therefore, you cannot have the two of them in your life, you have to choose one or the other.

Regarding W and M, you asked: “What could I even do in such a situation? Should I leave them alone and hope it ends sooner than later? Should I try to remain close to her as a counter force?“-

– To be able to answer, I need to ask your thoughts about what I wrote above, that you need to choose one or the other. Are you willing to have a life with her and have nothing to do with him, nothing at all, as in no contact?

anita

Dear Tineoidea:

“This may be the last update. I believe I had managed to unravel the mystery. After countless hours of reading relevant information, ruminating, revising logs…  I came to the conclusion that she suffers from the Covert version of NPD (Narcissist Personality Disorder)“-

-it is usually women who unravel the mystery of their failed relationships by concluding, after visiting the many available narcissist blogs and websites online,  that the ex-boyfriend was after all…a narcissist.

“To everybody who’s currently suffering in a situation which doesn’t seem to be making any sense.. do read on the various forms of NPD“- it is psychiatrists and psychotherapists who are qualified to diagnose a person with a personality disorder, but the popular trend is for any rejected partner to “diagnose” the rejecting partner of being a narcissist.

anita