A few months ago when I was 19(F), I met up with a guy I met on Tinder. He picked me up and we went back to his place, where I drank a lot of alcohol and got high with him. I don’t say this to imply that because I was intoxicated I wasn’t responsible for my actions, but I wanted to provide context. We eventually started messing around consensually. I can’t remember everything exactly, but I know at a certain point I was asking to have sex and he had said no, however I kept asking and I even laid on his bed to try to get it to happen. I’m sure I guilt-tripped him or badgered him to try to get him to sleep me with me and upon reflection I know that this was sexually coercive. We did not do anything despite the fact that I kept asking and I know if we did, this would have been sexual assault. I got upset, called my at the time friend to pick me up, got upset with my friend and asked to be dropped back off at the guy’s house. I tried to convince him to let me sleepover because I didn’t want to go home, which I also think was forceful and coercive and he eventually drove me home. I apologized the next day for my because I knew I was acting messy and bitchy. I asked him if I had forced him to do anything that he didn’t want to and he said no, he was more upset because I was talking about dating other people. He told me he still liked me and asked me if I still liked him and said he liked hanging out with me, and he didn’t seem upset about me being coercive as much as the fact that I was talking about other men. I didn’t respond to his last message and let months pass.

I’m in a relationship now, and I recently saw a post about how if you guilt-tripped somebody into having sex with you that makes you a rapist, and I agree because it means consent was not given freely. But it brought up a lot of thoughts about what I did. I’ve talked to other people and they agree what I did was bad but they said all I can do is learn from it and move on. Today I sent him a long paragraph apologizing and taking responsibility for my actions, and telling him that I understood if he wanted to press charges. He has not responded yet and I know he is under no obligation to do so. I suppose what I’m trying to ask is how should I act with myself now? I feel as though I am not allowed to have friends if they don’t know what I’ve done. My first instinct is to isolate myself because that’s what I deserve. I feel like I’m not allowed to enjoy things because I’ve shown a pattern of problematic behavior and it would be wrong of me to feel happy. I know I did a bad thing, and I feel immense guilt and shame over it. Even now I feel like I’m making things sound less harmful to make myself look better and I worry I’m not reflecting properly.

What complicates things is that I have Pure-O OCD, and one of my compulsions is confessing. I know that making this forum post is somewhat of a compulsion but it’s difficult for me to separate what is an appropriate amount of guilt because I’m constantly wondering if its my OCD making me feel this way,