It hurts

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This topic has 6 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 3 years, 5 months ago by Anonymous.

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May 29, 2021 at 4:43 pm #380690

Sara
Participant

Hi guys, I just need to let this off my chest.

It hits different when your mom calls you fat. Hearing her laugh at the notion of me gaining weight. Not understanding the depression behind the weight gain. The pandemic hit me hard in feeling more isolated and stuck. I miss my friends and being free outside of my house. Home is suffocating. I always feel judged for my actions, opinions, and appearance. I get judged for eating more food or eating less food. Whether I want to work out or lay under my blanket. I can’t seem to do anything right here. I’m just waiting until I finish my last year of college and I save enough money to move out. I am holding out hope that I can mentally heal away from judging eyes and find a way to finally love myself. Because right now, I hate myself. My stomach, my arms, my thighs, I can’t look in the mirror without crying and wanting to purge and binge. I know that is not healthy. I’ve been to therapy, got meds, and I was getting better .. before the pandemic hit. The last year has been hard and it feels like I am back to square one. Despite all of that, I am trying. I can’t give up because I want to be happy and comfortable in my skin. I want to be loved, cared for, and desired by a man. But I know if I don’t love myself, I can’t love anyone else in a healthy way. That’s the goal. It sucks now and I am hurt. But it won’t stay that way forever.

May 29, 2021 at 4:50 pm #380692
Sarah Jeanne Browne
Participant
I understand- I’ve had someone in my life once give me the same type of criticism. Know that it’s not your fault you are being treated this way. The only way to win IS to love yourself. Look up exercises online for finding self-compassion (Such as by Kristin Neff) or radical self love advice. You need to let the weight thing go or it will ruin your life. You are already beautiful. We are fed a lie by society that we must look a certain way to be attractive. It’s not true at all. It’s just what we have known all our lives and believed. Don’t lose yourself in that.

If you want diet and exercise tips, here are mine- I’m a mix of vegan and keto. If you don’t want to go vegan, look into keto at least. I am fuller faster and longer because of it. I also recommend steel cut oats for breakfast. Not rolled oats. STEEL CUT. They are a little harder to prepare but worth it. I lost a lot of weight doing this and it kept me full almost all day. I do this or a mix of any keto friendly cereal (catalina crunch is another example). I eat an avocado a day for the keto, plant protein drink, roasted or stir fried vegges (From a food kit) and an apple and banana a day. As long as you are HEALTHY, a diet plan is okay to have. It’s fun to find recipes too. 🙂

For workout, I’ve tried EVERYTHING. And I’ve found a)I love nature b) jogging is doable. So I’m not super in shape but I mix a run and fast walking when I’m outside in the cool evening. (or whenever you want). It’s taken a few months to get it a part of my routine but I enjoy it. The runner’s high is a real thing too!

I hope that all helps you regain control. Remember- you are beautiful.

Edit: For the isolation thing, try some facebook support groups!
- This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Sarah Jeanne Browne.
- This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Sarah Jeanne Browne.
May 30, 2021 at 2:41 am #380709

Sara
Participant

Thank you, Sarah. I really wish I could see myself as beautiful. It’s really hard. Self compassion has always been difficult for me. It is easy for me to be empathetic and compassionate to my friends and patients but be much more critical of myself. I’m not the popular type, never had anyone genuinely ask me out on a date. I’m in my mid 20s and only two people took interest in me. One guy asked me out only because our other 3 mutual friends said no just days before. It did not feel good to be just another woman on his list. And another guy at work seemed interested in me but sexually assaulted me when we were getting to know each other over coffee. Got him fired when my coworker reported him. So my luck has really been horrid. There has been other cases of harassment from strangers much older than me which is so weird that this is normal in my cultural community. I honestly have religious/cultural trauma because of it. I am so uncomfortable in my conservative neighborhood. I am trying to heal and learn how to care for myself in a way that I was never taught before. Do you have any books or podcasts that you can recommend to help me?

May 30, 2021 at 1:39 pm #380714

Rushali
Participant

Hey,

It’s okay to feel this way, last year , I had an accident , was not meds and on complete bed rest. I gained alot of weight afterwards, I am still on that same weight but things have changed. Initially, I used to get bothered by people looking at me and saying things that have the potential to hurt anyone. I used to change clothes again and again because i was experiencing a change in my body’s shape for the very first time and trust me, I was not very comfortable with it. But you must remember that someone else’s perception of yours doesn’t have to be how you view yourself. You must have seen so many people out there who are not the ideal body type, they are really happy with their weight and body, why, because beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, all your beauty is there in your current body, only if you are willing to see it.

It’s more a function of how you see yourself which basically commands how you feel. So don’t run after what seems right(the ideal body type) , follow what feels right.

May 30, 2021 at 2:24 pm #380732

Tee
Participant

Dear Sara,

I am so sorry you have to live with so much criticism from your mother. And I assume it’s been always like that, your mother criticizing and judging you no matter what you do. In her eyes, you’re never good enough. I know the feeling since my mother was/is very judgmental too. And I too suffered from an eating disorder for quite a long time. My ED served several purposes, but the main purpose was to soothe the pain (at least temporarily) that I was always feeling as my default state: the pain of being unlovable (or so I thought) and not good enough.

My stomach, my arms, my thighs, I can’t look in the mirror without crying and wanting to purge and binge

You feel pain because of how you look (I felt it too), however the real pain is deeper – it’s the pain of being unlovable, the pain of not being loved by your mother. That’s the pain the ED is trying to soothe. Only it never can, of course, because it only makes it worse.

What truly helped me was to work with my wounded inner child and have compassion for that little girl who was judged so harshly and unjustly. But the first step is to develop a positive, compassionate voice within, to counter-balance the voice of the inner critic. Because I am sure you have a very harsh inner critic, which is berating you all the time.

So if you can find a voice inside of you, which is compassionate and accepting of that little girl, rather than judging and condemning – that would be a really important step. Tara Brach has good meditations on radical self-acceptance – you can check that out.

Self compassion has always been difficult for me. It is easy for me to be empathetic and compassionate to my friends and patients but be much more critical of myself.

I understand, it was hard for me too. But it helped when I could give compassion to the little girl that I was. This helped to develop self-compassion for the adult me as well.

There has been other cases of harassment from strangers much older than me which is so weird that this is normal in my cultural community. I honestly have religious/cultural trauma because of it. I am so uncomfortable in my conservative neighborhood.

If you’ve experienced sexual harassment, and you live in a conservative community, with conservative views on sexuality, that can all play a role in your relationship with your body, and consequently, your relationship with food. If you think it’s related, and you’d like to share some more, please do.

May 30, 2021 at 8:23 pm #380742

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Sara:

“Hearing her laugh at the notion of me gaining weight. Not understanding the depression behind the weight gain”- if she laughs at you for gaining weight, it is not about her misunderstanding depression behind gaining weight; it is about her desire to make you feel bad about gaining bad, is it/isn’t it?

anita

June 27, 2021 at 9:13 am #382010

Anonymous
Guest

How are you, Sara?

anita
Author

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