“Every day brings a choice: to practice stress or to practice peace.” ~Joan Borysenko
For five long years during my mid-twenties I was a recluse.
Anxiety so badly affected my life it became impossible for me to venture outside my front door or to interact socially with other people.
Fear and panic would envelop my mind and body, rendering me paralyzed from doing the things I dearly wanted to do. My hopes of being a normal human being lay in tatters. Everything seemed impossible.
Seeing my old friends on Facebook and other people enjoying life, attending parties, finding partners, getting married, having kids, and talking enthusiastically about their travels contributed to my deep reservoir of sadness.
I couldn’t sleep before four o’clock in the morning and would often sleep my afternoons away in order to find a temporary comfort in the evening hours.
The loneliness was overwhelming, the despair was consuming, and the anxiety was like a constantly beating drum, reminding me of time ticking away my hopes, dreams, and desires.
The Japanese have a special word for people who withdraw from the world. I had become a “Hikikomori,” and at the time saw my life as a recluse never ending and maybe even suicide being the eventual outcome.
Fortunately, these grave predictions would never have to be realized, for with the gradual self-cultivation of determination, I began to fight back against my anxiety disorder.
It was extremely difficult at first and there were numerous hurdles, but over a period of a few years I managed to achieve the normalcy I had so badly wanted.
Today I feel as balanced and relaxed as someone who has never known the horrors that inappropriate anxiety and terror can bring. My years as a recluse are long behind me.
I want to share four techniques that I discovered and mention how I used them to vastly reduce the anxiety in my life. Each one can be, and was, practiced in conjunction with the others.
1. Stimulate positive feelings.
For half an hour each day, I began to practice loving-kindness meditation and developed an appreciation for the people and the world around me. I took inspiration for this from a book by the late German Buddhist nun Ayya Khema called Being Nobody, Going Nowhere.
This stimulated parts of my brain different to those that activate the anxiety response. By doing this I was able strengthen mental muscles related to relaxation and happiness. This also seemed to lessen the space in which my anxiety was able to maneuver, thereby reducing its strength and effectiveness.
I knew the development of love and acceptance for myself was also crucial to my healing. There’s not a lot else that is more disconcerting and destabilizing than a mind filled with self-hatred or blame.
2. Bathe in discomfort.
We are not very good at accepting discomfort. Whether it’s physically or mentally, as soon as an uncomfortable feeling arises we instinctively try to get away from it. The more we do this, the more our levels of intolerance increase. This can become very pronounced in the avoidance tactics most anxiety sufferers evolve.
The solution for me was to develop a gentle acceptance of discomfort, whether it was an itch on my leg or the unpleasant feelings of apprehension. I slowed down my conscious response to the feeling and observed it for a little while without trying to fix it or run away from it.
I bathed in the discomfort, even when I was filled with horrendous fear, rather than immediately trying to find distractions such as food, TV, Valium, or alcohol. It was very hard to begin with but I kept going, kept trying, kept persisting.
By doing this I found I was able to handle discomfort more effectively and appropriately. Fear and panic began to slowly decrease as my mental awareness of the nature of the feelings becomes more refined.
3. Study the anxiety.
It’s important when dealing with anxiety to study what you are thinking and what leads to increased mental tension. Humans are very imaginative, and while this has enabled us to survive and prosper as a species, it has also left us at the mercy of our inner-creativity.
I began to study my anxiety and my thoughts. I constantly questioned whether the fear of impending disaster was legitimate or not. Whether it was likely or unlikely to actually happen? Was it a sensible worry to engage in on that particular day? Or could it have been postponed until the following day?
If so, then I left the worry for the next day and mentally compartmentalized it so it would not encroach on my then present reality. In the meantime, I used my energies to engage in activities which I believed would positively develop me as a person, however small and insignificant they seemed at the time.
4. Distract your creative mind.
As mentioned previously, the mind is great at imagining worst-case scenarios. Inappropriate anxiety and fear are fueled by the creative part of the human brain. If an anxiety sufferer allows this part to run free then all havoc can break loose.
When fear was present in my mind, which was very often, I began to realize it was important to try and switch my thoughts away from my creative and emotional mind, and instead into the rational and logical realm of my brain.
This effectively reduced anxiety periods in a surprisingly short amount of time by engaging reason over raw emotion.
I managed to do this by focusing my complete attention on to logic-based puzzles or games. I did various things including reciting the alphabet backwards, solving a mathematical problem, memorizing 10 foreign language words within ten minutes, or trying to comprehend a riddle.
Relaxation is Attainable
Nowadays I live in a foreign country with a woman I love and enthusiastically engage in a job I find highly rewarding. When I look back on the man I once was, sitting alone in a bedroom for years on end, without a shred of hope or happiness, I can’t help but feel immense love and compassion for that person.
Life is not easy and when you get stuck in a rut, things can quickly become overwhelming and seemingly impossible to escape. An anxiety disorder can disfigure the sense of reality one has and render the world a terribly frightening and cold place.
However, it’s important to remember that no matter how bad the fear may feel, or how much of a stranglehold anxiety seems to have on your life, things can get better. With a determined spirit, you can move toward a more relaxed, healthier, and happier way of living.
This will not only benefit you but also those who love you the most.
About Stephen Joseph
Stephen Joseph is the relaxed mind behind Outsmart Anxiety. A website devoted to helping anxiety sufferers find ways to reduce the fear, panic, and tension in their lives. Join the newsletter for frequent anxiety-busting tips and techniques.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Beautiful post!! Thank you for sharing, and being vulnerable with your message! Such wonderful advice, and inspiring story if courage and strength! 🙂 Congratulations on your shift to a much happier life!! 🙂
Completely agree with you, Stephen! As someone who’s suffered from anxiety disorders, I found that the way I react to stress was more habitual because of my state of mind. When we’re in that deep fog of worry and despair, it’s hard to see through to more positive feelings, and sometimes we so feel mentally exhausted that grasping is the only reaction we know.
I also practice mindfulness daily, and send loving-kindness through meditation, even while I am washing dishes. Hahah. Took almost a year for me to be able to see anxiety as it was without beating myself up and letting the fog consume me. It was very mentally taxing, but I tried my best to stick with it. It was all I could do. These days, when I feel that first “pang”, I notice it, observe and deal with it right then and there, which meant I had to be brutally honest with myself and let it go, or take actions to make it better.
Practicing mindfulness and loving-kindness, to not only others but ourselves, essentially “rewires” the way our brains fire when dealing with issues, forging new neural pathways that lead to more positivity and calmness when faced with stress.
I really appreciate your insight because it’s as if you’re speaking for me. I know these tips with truly help improve the quality of life for others. Thank you!
Despite dealing with your own thoughts, we live in a culture that further perpetuates anxiety. So, it’s important to be mindful of things that triggers anxiety as well. Overall, your 4 techniques are great.
Wow, what an awesome article. Thank you.
Thankyou…..very well written.I am going to save this.
Stephen, just, thank you!
You explained from the beginning what’s happened in my early teens.
I didn’t really go out because I was always afraid of things happening, or what someone would say about me, or even if what I wore was “not nice” etc. Little did I know that this was simply living in the past because I didn’t tackle it. I still suffer from anxiety now, but I have developed some self awareness which is increasing and this helps me tackle those thoughts and listen to what I call my inner teacher. Only you can overcome this anxiety, as much as others will offer assistance, you take on the actions to decide to overcome this anxiety and say no to the burden. Sometimes it can be difficult as well because as you realise certain things and look back on your life, there comes that moment of “regret” that you didn’t live it as well as others have. However, it always gets better as you get older, and often the cases are that the people who pranced around are stuck (not all), whereas you have a sense of what you want to achieve and how you want to do it. This is ambition, and it is powerful, impacting and a very passionate thing to have. If anyone suffers from anxiety, it’s always important to believe in yourself that you actually can say no to these thoughts that stop you from living your life, and even though the thoughts of others can affect you, they will affect you no more if you stop listening to that inner critic telling you things about yourself that isn’t true. Thank you also for mentioning that book, I will most definitely check it out as I have wanted to make my meditation practise more meaningful to me. Congratulations to your transformation, I wish you the best, namaste!
Thank you Iv2terp!
Thank you! You’re right, it’s very hard to see the end of the tunnel when in the midst of anxiety, plus it’s so exhausting. You just have to stay determined and take one step at a time, and believe you can achieve a more relaxed state of mind.
I agree. I always advise people to watch a little less of the media reports that are paraded across our screens each day as well.
Thank you Sara. Yes, our inner-critic can be very harsh. I once believed that I needed to listen to this critic all the time and that it would keep me safe by doing so, but have since come to regard it as a mirage or broken radio. Not everything it says it true or realistic, and you can afford to say to it “oh shut up!”. Meditation and mindfulness are great ways to see this.
Glad you liked it, thanks.
Thank you!
Yes, it’s really true! Only fear makes this voice sound so scary and powerful, however when you start to observe and not hold onto things, the voice is what it is: just a thought. It’s only a thought. Oh yes, that is true, telling it “seriously, get out” can help because that’s you facing it. Of course if you fight it you feed it however if you face it with peace, it will go. Acknowledge, but don’t follow. I do agree, meditation and mindfulness is essential!
Wonderful post!!! Cheers to you!! Thank you … Keep smiling n glowing always…
Thank you Stephan. Your post will help many who suffer with anxiety. Blessings to you for a peaceful anxiety-free life.
…Stephen…
Thank you Stephen…..I very much liked it especially Study the anxiety part. That is so true. When we carefully study our anxiety causes, there is a sure way to work on it and erase it completely from our life.
I loved your ideas about bathing in discomfort!
As I am struggling with anxiety myself, I get every day strange tension feelings all over my body. I never thought about gently facing these feelings as my first impulse was always to run away, which indeed growed my anxiety.
Awesome idea, thanks for sharing this!
Stephen, your last few sentences about how happy you are made me shed tears. Because I am right there with you. After years of struggle I met my soulmate. We’ve been married for three years and are expecting our first bundle of joy. I still have anxiety here and there but nothing like before. This was amazing. Thank you.
I had my first major panic attack new years last year and it was the worst experience of my life… Its safe to say im at a complete low of my life, I’m gradually learning how to control my panic attacks and reading posts like these always put my back in a good mindset. I can relate to alot of this and I just want to say thank you for making this post, it has helped me alot after the day I’ve had.
The man that u wear i have been for 3 years now Im glad i found this there is hope
I don’t understand. #2 and #4 contradict each other.
It’s so refreshing to hear a story like this. Right now I’m at the stages of overcoming my anxiety, I’ve spent nearly a year (not nearly as long as your 5 though. Haha) inside my house, sheltering myself from the world, and now fighting my mind because I’m no longer letting anxiety rule me. It’s hard, for sure, but thanks to this article, I actually have a small bit of hope that I too can do this. Thank you so SO much.
Wow. Talk about relatable. Great article that can let people know they are not alone and that there’s hope. Lets me know that I’m on the right path to fight my anxiety disorder. Thank you so much.