“The more we love the more we lose. The more we lose the more we learn. The more we learn the more we love. It comes full circle. Life is the school; love is the lesson. We cannot lose.” ~Kate McGahan
I remember reading somewhere that we are all here on this earth to learn a lesson.
It’s one that is made for us, and only us. Like a special recipe concocted in the stars and implanted in our tiny developing foetus.
While it may sound a bit “woo-woo,” it was extremely comforting to read that.
For much of my life I would compare my life to others. I’d look at those who seemed to have it all together and wonder if they ever struggled. I felt envious as they seemingly sailed through life.
“Why do I have to deal with this and not them? What did I do wrong?”
But maybe they are not here to learn my lesson. They are here to learn theirs, whatever that might be.
While my life has been filled with typical ups and downs, it came to a crushing low when my sister died in 2013.
The pain of her loss was so intense I wanted to claw myself out of my body. I really believed I was the only person in the whole world who experienced pain this excruciating.
I would go to parties and watch people laughing and having the best time and feel so incredibly alone. It was like I was banished to another dark and miserable planet while everyone else merrily went about their lives. It angered me that others weren’t suffering like me. I kept asking myself again and again, “Why me? Why my sister?”
I was too absorbed in my anguish to recognize that others were also going through hardships.
It’s been seven years since my sister died, and now I understand that while my grief is specific and particular, it is not unique. Grief is just another emotion we human beings will experience during our journey through life. It’s just one of those emotions that don’t get as much airtime as joy, so we assume no one else experiences it.
Along the way, I’ve met others who have confided in me their stories of trauma and pain that I was completely spared of. It reminded me that while things could have been different, it doesn’t necessarily mean they would have been better.
This journey of learning that grief is shared by so many others has humbled me deeply. We all experience tragedies and heartbreak. There is no one in the world who doesn’t get hit with some kind of pain, no matter how happy and cheerful they may appear on the outset.
When we think we are alone in our suffering we are not making it better for anyone, let alone ourselves. Focusing on ourselves and our pain is like a vortex that only isolates us further and makes us feel worse.
In these times of immense suffering, it’s important to get outside of ourselves. Often the best remedy is to volunteer or help someone who is less fortunate than you. It will suddenly become clear that you are not the only one struggling.
It can be so easy to forget this, especially since we live in a world of social media. Everywhere you turn there is an Instagram story being born. Everyone seems to be having the best time ever. At least that’s what they want you to think. But how much do you really know about these people you follow?
There is a whole other side to everyone person you meet, whether online or in person, you may never actually see.
So next time you catch yourself looking at others or scanning through social media and wondering why your life couldn’t go as smoothly as theirs, remember that there are people looking at your life wishing they had something about yours. It’s sort of like that quote, “Every time you point a finger, there are three pointing back at you.” It can be applied to this situation too.
And remember that everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Someone may struggle their whole life with an eating disorder and envy a particular model or celebrity for having a perfect body, not realizing that this particular model is coping with severe PTSD.
The list of struggles we can face is as endless as there are people on this planet. You simply never know what someone is going through. But you can know for sure that everyone has their own path, their own challenges, and their own lessons to learn.
I wish someone had told me this earlier, but maybe I wouldn’t have listened. Maybe this was one of the many lessons I needed to learn: no one has better or worse, they just have it different.
About Kimberly Hetherington
Kimberly Hetherington is a Canadian writer and Art Therapist based in Sydney, Australia. She loves to write, read, create, listen to podcasts, be in nature, and experience the kind of conversations that go beyond the ‘mask’ of everyday life. Check out her website for more on her journey through grief and loss, to hope and self-discovery.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
I think that everyone in this world has their own pain, everyone of us has come with our problems and how we react to it is what makes the difference. If we just simply accept what has happened to us is a part of life, it becomes easier to go through it and that is what makes a difference, some people make themselves miserable while others still manage to smile through pain.
A loving relationship can enhance your life. But it won’t magically resolve difficulties with mental or physical health issues, grief, trauma etc.
How many people are in unhappy relationships that cause further difficulties?
Further, a lot of the difficulties I mentioned can cause issues within relationships.
Yes, but life in general whether good or bad is better when you have a loving partner.
Agree to disagree. Attractiveness has no impact on the degree of pain felt by individuals.
“Attractive” people experience abuse, financial difficulties, mental and physical health issues, homelessness, loved ones dying, sexual assault similarly to how others do.
You see your average appearance as a problem. People perceive their own issues differently. Some may feel that an average appearance is a problem, others may not. Some may feel that height is a problem, others may not. People may have other difficulties to focus on.
None of us get to “choose” which difficulties we face in life. Only how we respond to and interpret them is up to us.
Is how you are responding to your own difficulties helpful?
Completely agree.
We attract what we are, and the way you put yourself down means that for someone you date to actually like you and be into you, it would mean that in some way they’d have to hate themselves as much as you hate yourself – and if you’re really good at hating yourself you’re setting a very negative “bar”, very high, if you get what I mean.
In other words, you make dating you a very difficult thing to do unless you don’t have very much self respect because what self respecting person would want date someone who does not respect themselves?
You are very unkind towards yourself, other people mirror that.
Your kindness towards self is reflected in the way others are kind to you, often.
As well, attractive people are often subject to being fetishised as opposed to actually finding love. Finding real love is a very special thing regardless of who you are, there are countless people who are in loveless relationships that are supposedly “perfect people” , attractive, rich, healthy, etc.
Bottom line – if you want to find someone, get off your high horse. Nobody can reach you up there.
How do you expect to date while holding these views?
Anyone you date, you will consider attractive. You say that no one attractive will understand the pain you’ve been through. This means you hold the belief that no partner will ever understand you or be able to empathise with you.
You note that attractive people can’t feel pain in the same way you can. You suggest that an attractive partner can’t have difficult experiences. And as long as they are dating during those difficult experiences, the pain they feel doesn’t matter.
How do you think a potential partner will react to your views that potentially belittle and degrade her experiences?
How will you react if a potential partner ever experiences difficulties while with you and you find that she isn’t magically soothed by your love?