Dear Satya:

First, your story: Last year, in 2020, you planned to move cities so to be with your boyfriend. To get your parents’ approval for that move, you lied to them, and your boyfriend told you that “he will take all the responsibility” for you lying to your parents and for making the move.

In November 2020, before you made the move and without your knowledge, he got married. Not knowing that he got married, you proceeded to move to his city and work with him. Five days ago he told you that he got married in November, thinking that you “would eventually understand and let him fix everything”. During these 4-5 days, you’ve been heartbroken and unable to go to work/ be around him at work.

You shared that you have “a dysfunctional family”, and that is why your boyfriend’s parents did not approve of you as his wife. His mother was in bad health and wanted him to get married, and so to please her- he married a woman that she approved of. Since that time, his mother died, and most recently, he revealed to you that he is now a married man.

Having revealed to you that he is a married man, he told you the following: “he will always be there and wants  me in his life.. he’ll make things right and convince everyone how he wants me in his life… he’ll give me equal dignity… He thinks he did all right so far.. whatever he did is for the best of everyone.. he will suffer with me if I am suffering… he thinks I’m stuck on labels. He is asking me if I want  labels or him. He is saying that his wife knows and she’s letting him come to me.. He thinks his wife is okay with this. With all of this.”

On your part, you want to live with him as his second wife (“I want to be in his life and I can’t imagine a life without him. I was broken with the news but I want him… I can’t lose him… I can’t think a life without him”), but you are conflicted:

1) Your trust in him has been broken (“I can’t trust him until I talk to his wife. I trusted once and he brought me here in this situation… He was married by the time I was about to move. He knows that I moved for him. He got married in November and after 2 months he told me”).

2) You are angry at him for breaking your trust in him:  for marrying another woman, for doing it in secret while supporting you lying to your parents and moving to his city, for causing you all this pain and suffering, and for thinking that what he did was the best for everyone, while it was very, very far from being  the best for you (“I want him to see what he did… He thinks whatever he did is for the best of everyone. But he gave me pain and suffering”).

3) You are afraid that his wife will not be okay with him having a second wife, and the three of you living together (“I have to talk to her.. how she will take it if we are living together”).

4) You are worried that as his second wife, you will suffer emotional pain and suffering, and that his first wife will suffer as well (“How can I stop feeling upset when I see him with her?… thinking about how my future will be and all the pain I’ll have all the time. I can’t let another woman go through it, it’s torturous”).

5) “I’m scared that I might have to face all the blame by society even if his wife is okay with him being married to me as well”.

Regarding how to proceed, you are thinking the following:

1: You want to talk to his wife, to ask her “what she knows about me, how she will take it if we are living together, how will she process him being married to me as well”.

2: After talking to her, “if at all his wife has issues with me and if she asks me to go away, I will leave everything and move“.

3: After talking to her, “if she accepts me, if she thinks we all can be happy as he said, then I would ask him how he will convince everyone. What will he tell my parents and her parents”.

4: If he cannot convince your parents, her parents/ everyone- then you will ask him to find you a husband (“he can’t convince and then I’ll ask him to find me a husband”).

Second, my input today:

1.  Regarding Logical Thinking- you are thinking quite logically at this time of heartbreak and emotional turmoil. It is logical to talk to his wife and get to know her before moving in with them, instead of after moving in with them.

It is also logical to ask him how he will convince everyone instead of trusting that he will somehow. “he’ll make things right and convince everyone” is a vague promise. To make it a concrete promise, he needs to tell you the details of his plan to convince everyone: what steps will he take, what will he say to this person and that person?

Your logical thinking is about taking some control over your life instead of giving up all control to this man.

2. Regarding Compassion- you are compassionate: you are thinking not only about your pain and suffering but also about his first wife’s pain and suffering, you don’t want her to suffer.

3. Regarding Guiding Motivations- Logic and Compassion are strong guiding motivations within you, together with your strong attachment to this man, but logic and compassion are not strong guiding motivations within him at this time. Seems to me that what guides him most is his selfish need for control: he wants what he wants and he will say what he needs to say so to get what he wants.

4. Regarding his Wife- it is wishful thinking that once you meet her and talk to her, that she will tell you honestly what she thinks and feels. First, he may be present at such meeting and she may be afraid to tell you the truth. Second, even if he is not present at such a meeting, she may still be afraid to tell you the truth and that you will tell him what she told you. Third, she may not know how she will be feeling once you move in with them, and find out later. She may be confused, conflicted, afraid that he will leave her if she does not agree with his plan.

5. Regarding the Contradiction- He told you that “he’ll make things right”, which suggests that things are not right. But he also told you that “he thinks he did all right so far”, suggesting that things are right. So, which is it: are things right.. or wrong? (We can communicate further in regard to this point, if you would like to).

6. Regarding Dignity vs.  Dysfunction- He made you a promise, that he’ll give you “equal dignity”- he meant that he will marry you, I assume (?) But is it a life of dignity when you go to bed alone knowing he is in bed with another woman in another room.. and then the next night, have him in your bed, knowing the other woman will be with him next.. I don’t know, is it dignity?

Or is it another form of “dysfunctional family”, one you were born to, the other.. you will be choosing?

anita

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by .

Dear Satya:

You are welcome. I am glad to read that you are feeling better today, and Happy almost- Birthday!

“he just got convinced as I was suffocated and stressed living with my family”- so, he may understand that living with him and his wife is likely be suffocating and stressful for you (?)

“having a plan B” in regard to your career is an excellent idea. Having a career separate from this man in a few months, and before you make any decisions regarding a life with him, will make that decision easier to make.

compatible and understanding person

“somewhere I still feel, I would have been very happy with him. He knows what I want, what I feel, how.. everything”-

– maybe he knew what you wanted and felt, and was a “compatible and understanding person” when you lived with your dysfunctional family, in that context. But now, as he is married and you are living away from your family- it is a different context, a different situation. In this new situation, he may no longer be a compatible and understanding person to you; he may not know or want to know how you feel and what you want in this new context.

“For now, I’ll just keep calm, just enjoy my birthday tomorrow”- Please do keep calm best you can, post here anytime, and I will remember to wish you a timely happy birthday tomorrow!

anita

Dear Priyanka:

Plan B and living away from your parents is the best plan, I believe. In regard to this man, I guess he too is having a difficult life right now, he is struggling too. Key is that you make your life better, and if a better life means away from him, then it needs to be away from him. Take your time as he takes his and evaluate the situation later on, so to be able to make a wise choice.

I will soon be away from the computer and back in about 12 hours from now.

anita