Dear Ronald:

You shared that a former roommate and best friend visited you a month ago. He told you that he met a girl and is thinking about dating her. At first you felt happy for him, but then you suddenly “got all depressed”, thinking that he will no longer have the time to spend with you, that the “friendship will not be the same”, and that he will be moving on leaving you behind, left out; you have “no one”, “the one left single without a relationship”.

“I know I am sounding all selfish here but I don’t know how to deal with these feelings.. jealously and sadness of losing one of the only friends that I have”-

– my input today:

1. It is understandable to feel sadness when your best friend changes status from being single to being in a relationship because there is a real loss when that happens, and when we lose something we care about, we feel sad.

2. You are not selfish for feeling what you are feeling. You will be selfish only if you act in such a way as to break them up, in the future. What we feel does not make us selfish, good or bad. What we do indicates who or what we are.

3. You are not likely to be losing your friend altogether. Like you wrote, the friendship will change. But he will still need you, I am guessing,  especially at times of conflict and trouble in his future relationship (It is not likely that his relationship will be a smooth sailing forever more, although I wish it would be).

4. If you are interested in a relationship yourself, you will be less lonely and you and your friend will be able to double-date. Are you interested in that?

anita

Dear Ronald:

You are welcome. I will read your recent post and reply when I am back to the computer in about 14 hours from now. Feel free to post again anytime, before I return.

anita

Dear Ronald:

You are welcome. You shared that you are unsure about whether you are interested in a relationship, or not, and that you are “a person who has always feared change”, a person who “would like everything to be the same”. You now feel sad and depressed because of the most recent change in your life: your best friend considering having a girlfriend, which would mean that he would have less time for you (“our friendship will not be the same”).

My input/ question today: we all need sameness in our lives so to feel relative safety in that sameness. This is why it is so important for anxious people to have a daily routine, so to keep the sameness going. I am wondering if your need for sameness is very strong, so much so, that you keep yourself away from discovering more of life, from experiencing life at times as an adventure.

I am wondering if as a child, you had too little positive attention, too little comfort, maybe you were alone too much of the time, feeling lonely. Any truth to my wondering?

anita