Dear Lisa:

“Why would I not trust myself to say no if she turned up  on my doorstep?”- please make sure you don’t open the door to her if she turns up on your doorstep- for your sake and your son’s sake. He must have been terrified to witness her aggression.

You shared a story of love and passion turned toxic. Reads like she’s been passionate all along, only her passion was re-directed from love to hate. Reads like she brought love and hate into your life, and you are now left with both: “I still love her.. and I hate that I do!”

It is interesting that your joint friends sided with her over the assault and you ringing the police. I assume they are aware of her heavy drug use, unpredictability and aggression. Maybe they share her behaviors and think that anyone who calls the police is a bad person (?)

“so why can’t I see how bad things were?”- because of the love that was there before. It will take time to see things as they were: good at first with a heavy dose of bad that made the good a distant memory of what was before, in the first year.

Please post again anytime, “to let some things out”.

anita

Wow Lisa

What a rollercoaster. I am sorry you had to go through all of this. I understand you still love this person, but you really need some space away from her. Time will be the only that will help you and give you perspective. I don’t know your situation,  but if you can try to plan a trip or visiting someone for a few days. Usually surrounding ourselves with love, helps us realize how much we deserve and that we are worthy of love. I would try to stay away from her at least until your feelings clear up and you realize that this is definitely toxic and you cannot live like this. Be strong for you and your child.