Dear Hannah:

What you shared: Moe and you, teenagers, met in September this year, started talking in October. Moe (from a Muslim family, where he “isn’t at all allowed to date”) is a year younger, having the reputation of being “quite a player and messing around with a lot of girls”. He told you that before he met you, a girl broke his heart, and therefore “he never gets attached to girls ever”, but he got attached to you, and the two of you proceeded to have hours long conversations on the phone. But the two of you barely saw each other because neither of you has a car. The two of you fell in love, “We were together for only a month but it felt like we had known each other for our whole lives… We saw a future with each other”.

You learned that he has “a very bad relationship with his parents”, that he resents his parents, that he “overworked himself and tried to stay away from home as much as possible”, that “his only family is his group of boys who just so happened to be involved with a lot of partying and drugs.. all his boys do really care about each other”, that he puts “his energy into making sure everyone else is okay rather than focusing on himself”.

One night, on the telephone, he told you that “he had a breakdown and he just feels completely numb and all his emotions are gone, including his feelings for (you)”. You were very confused and broke down crying, your heart broken. Later he told you that “he is a very on and off person and that at some point his feelings for me could come back but he doesn’t know for sure”. The two of you continued to talk on the phone for two more weeks, “He would still call me baby and be all flirty with me but he swore he just wanted to be friends”. Following those two weeks, you decided to have no contact “because we both needed it to  focus on finals for school”, but throughout the no contact he followed you closely on social media. “He also posted our song on his Instagram a few days ago”. But in a party last night, he was drunk and he avoided you but the two of you talked a bit.

“At this point, I have no clue what to do! I .. still think he is the perfect person for me. He is sending me mixed signals and I don’t know how to take them.. tell me if his signals mean anything”.

My input and suggested answer: his “mixed signals” mean that he is mixed, confused himself. It is not that he is clear and knows what he wants but chooses to give you mixed signals and confuse you. He is confused himself and doesn’t know what he wants.

Sometimes he is honest with you and tells you the truth, sometimes he doesn’t know what the truth is and tells you things that are partly true, partly not. And sometimes he knows that what he is telling you is partly true. Maybe not true at all.

Drugs and heavy drinking and partying aren’t helping his confusion.

You wrote that you think that he is the perfect person for you- not in this life as-is. Maybe in another dimension, in a world in the clouds where he is no longer living with his parents, where he is settled in a peaceful home with no one bothering him, where he attends excellent psychotherapy and gets in touch with all those suppressed emotions you mentioned, and so on and on.

In real life he is not doing well. He told you that he lost his feelings for you and that maybe he’ll get them back sometime in the future. Let’s say he does, let’s say he gets un-numb and feels love for you again-

– how long before he feels numb again?

Also, no one feels in love all the time, over a long period of time, non- stop excitement about talking to or seeing another person. If he expects to feel excited this way all the time, he will never stay in a relationship, or he will look for that kind of excitement outside his chosen relationship.

I suggest that you do focus on your studies and future career. The grades you get in school, the certificates you earn that will make a successful career possible for you, these are more dependable, stable, permanent,  than his fleeting, changing feelings for you.

Post more anytime and I will reply further.

anita

Hi Hannah,

I’ve been in a similar situation so I found it very easy to relate to certain parts. It’s one of the worst feelings, having to choose between your heart and your head.
The guy seems to be confused with himself, and seems to be displacing this confusion by sending you mixed signals. This is NOT okay. Take mixed signals as a no. He seems to not know what he wants and therefore, keeps you where he’s able to reach you. Social media makes that easier now. It seems he is struggling but it is not your job to fix him, he needs to live and learn. People don’t just ‘lose feelings’, but he may have repressed them. His ‘player’ instincts may have kicked in, perhaps he is scared to really love you. But that isn’t your problem, it’s his. If he can’t man up and accept that he feels something for you then he isn’t the one. But it’s not your job to make him realise that.
If you do take him as he is, I suspect it will be toxic. He may disconnect from you whenever he ‘shuts down’ and it will be a constant cycle, a loop of hurt and it’s one of the worst types of hurt. Not to mention, external influences. If he is able to ‘lose feelings’ and you’s were together, what would stop him from being disloyal? Absolutely nothing since he claims to feel nothing.
He isn’t in touch with himself. Let him go. If you’s are meant to be, you will be eventually. There are things he needs to work on before he can be with anyone. Don’t trap yourself in this confusion, it really does make you feel like you’re going crazy. Work on what is going to be best for you. He is not best for you. Not at this moment anyway. Be patient.

Best of luck to you!