She’s an amazing woman, in the process of getting her degree and building a successful career and and he’s a blue collar worker but unemployed at the moment. He’s also somewhat of a party guy that drinks a lot.

I told her that I’ll be happy as long as she is but I can’t really be happy for her as I think she’ll have to deal with a lot of challenges (raising the child, putting a wait on her career development, being attached to this guy forever, maybe being a single mom and so on).

Hi Marge!

I singled out a couple quotes from your post because those are what I want to touch on specifically. I think it’s okay to be happy for your friend, because she is going to be fine, either way.  You say she’s amazing, in the process of getting her degree (so she’s smart) and building her career (resourceful, driven), which are all great qualities that will help her raise her child, even as a single mom who may have to co-parent with a not-so-great guy.

I say she will be fine because I’m in the situation you are worried about your friend being in, and my kids make it so worth it. I started into school right after I got pregnant with my daughter, continued on through school and began and built a career, all while being a single parent (the father left me when I was pregnant and wasn’t involved at all during the first year). Meanwhile, people told me I’d never make it, they told me I wouldn’t be able to finish school (which I did), wouldn’t be able to buy my own home (which I have), etc. Yes, it’s not easy and sometimes it requires accepting help from others (like friends or grandparents who are dying to babysit), but it’s definitely doable, she’ll still be able to achieve her goals as long as she still wants to, and it isn’t going to ruin her life, especially if she’s smart, driven, and resourceful. A baby to love will likely enrich her life, especially since it’s wanted. If this is her first child, she’s about to feel a love she didn’t know existed, and that’s awesome.

As for the guy…. just let that ride for now since there isn’t much you can do. It’s likely her hormones that are making her feel super in love with him, and those will wear off after the pregnancy. Hopefully, he either gets himself together once the baby gets here (sometimes things like that can wake people up and make them want to change for the better) or if he doesn’t get his act together, hopefully she will recognize the red flags and leave, just as she would without having a child with him. Just because you have a child with someone doesn’t mean you should stay with them, and I can tell you that I am SO. GLAD. I didn’t end up staying with my daughter’s father. He was not a good partner to me, and we get along much better apart. Sometimes it’s not the right decision to stay together for the kids, and that’s okay, too.

So anyway… your job as her friend is to just be supportive of the baby (you don’t have to be supportive of the guy… I would just redirect conversation away from him when she talks about him for now)… be happy WITH her… don’t talk about how hard this is going to make her life (because it’ll just make her resent you, it won’t change her mind, and the worries may not actually end up being a problem at all)… and just enjoy this experience with her. She may be backing off because she doesn’t feel supported, doesn’t want to be around people who aren’t happy for her or who might talk negatively about the situation, and pregnancy is a time when you definitely want support of people who are happy and excited right along with you and who will make it a fun experience. Go shopping for baby clothes! <3 haha

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by Valora.