Dear Crystal,

Firstly, I am so sorry for everything you’ve been through.  I can only imagine how painful some of these moments/experiences were for you and the heartache they caused.

It may be a useful beginning point to acknowledge that very few of us humans get partner choice right early on in our lives, and those that do, often do so out of sheer good luck.  It takes years of experience and wisdom to build a relationship skillset and we all have our blind or weak spots.  The attachment that you’re still feeling to him and your inability to stop thinking of him are also things that we all struggle with when it comes to losing someone we’ve loved.  You have also been through a really traumatic experience with the loss of your child and his coldness and abandonment of you in your time of need, so it’s no wonder that you’re still feeling really hurt and holding on to these feelings.  I hope that these three points might help you give yourself permission just to sit with your feelings as deeply and regularly as you can, and to not judge or punish yourself for reacting in ways that are very normal and very human.

Often in our culture, there is pressure to think positive or to rush our healing;  this is particularly so in an age of social media and all the complexities that result from making our private lives increasingly public, fearing the judgment of others and the social pressure to seem perfect or beyond criticism at all times.  Of course, that is not realistic and it’s not human.  So be sure you’re not putting pressure on yourself to bottle up your feelings or to feel better before your heart is ready to.  Ironically, acknowledging our negative feelings / emotions and allowing them to be present with us whenever they need to is often the key to feeling better and achieving a positive mindset in the long-term.  And of course, this should be accompanied by giving as much love to yourself as possible, getting to know yourself in terms of your values and what makes you happy, and doing things that you love with the freedom and the advantages that being single allows you.  That kind of positive environmental reinforcement is so helpful when it comes to healing from heartbreak.

Have you took some time out to reflect on who you are as a person and what you need and value most from your next partner, including your non-negotiables?  If not, that kind of exercise may be valuable.

You mentioned that you want him to want you still and that you realise that behaviour is unhealthy.  Have you considered what may be causing you to feel / behave in this way (in terms of some of your earlier childhood experiences)?  As others have pointed out on these forums quite aptly, we often replay our relationships with our parents or other significant attachment figures (good and bad) in our adult relationships.  Putting some work into this, whether it’s with a therapist, friends, books or whatever else your medium of personal growth might be, could be really beneficial in terms of breaking any patterns you perceive as negative or unhelpful.

You also asked for advice about not feeling resentful that you trained him to be better for her.  While it sounds like he is still behaving the same to her and being unfaithful, the brain is plastic and yes, people do sometimes change or grow as a result of our positive influences on them and the ways we help them grow in a relationship.  It may be helpful if you see yourself in the lives of other women he might meet in future.  In other words, if he does manage to change his ways and inflict less hurt on other women in future, haven’t you given those other women such a profound gift, in having prevented their needless suffering through your positive influence on him?  What a precious thing, to have changed him so that his behaviour no longer inflicts such hurt on others as he did on you.  I know that may seem like cold comfort, because you invested so much time and effort into him.  Unfortunately life is full of instances of other people reaping what we ourselves have sown, and it can be a cruel place, but when you meet the person you deserve who fills your cup and gives you the faith and love you desire, you will get back what you’ve given over and above.