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Am expecting too much? / Am I The Toxic One?

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  • October 19, 2019 at 3:24 am #318669
    Ali
    Participant

    To start with some quick background my boyfriend and I (female) have been in a relationship for nearly 9 months. This is my only relationship I have been in. We began dating when we went to the same college but now he transferred to a new one this fall that is about 90 minutes away, so we’re technically in a long distance relationship even though there isn’t a huge difference other than the fact we are more than 15 minutes away from each other.

    Before he left for this new college our relationship was amazing. But it seems like so many things have changed. To me, it seems like our relationship may have turned a little toxic. However, I’m not sure if it is because of me.

    Before we started our more long distance relationship, we would talk nearly everyday. But now, even though we do still talk almost every day, it is very little. Which I understand is going to happen because we will be busy with our own things regarding education as well as our social lives. It’s the certain situations that make me upset towards him. There have been countless times, just within the past couple months, where we will be talking and he will just put me on”hold” essentially, meaning he just won’t respond. Normally it doesn’t bother me, but when it does it’s because we’ll be in the middle of a conversation and he’ll just stop, not for reasons of studying though, but for the reason that he is partying or hanging out with friends. I don’t expect him to not do these things and to be talking to me all hours of the day, but to just let me know “hey I’m sorry I’ll talk to you tomorrow” or something. I have talked to him about this twice now within these past couple months and each time he says he understand but he continues to do it.

    I do think part of it has to do with the fact that I do get jealous, which is a trait I am trying to work on. He has become friends with a woman and they have gotten pretty close within the short time they’ve known each other, which makes me jealous that she gets to be with him when I don’t. I’m not worried he is going to cheat on me, I have that trust in him, it is really just pure jealousy there.

    However, I’m not sure if this jealousy has turned into toxicity. Or if I may just be expecting too much from him. Is wanting a “sorry I’m busy” text expecting too much? Is getting angry at him for not doing so toxic when I take my time to respond when he finally does reply? I’ve brought up to him before how I think I may be expecting too much and he agreed but is it really expecting too much? Is it toxic that I get mad him for something like this even though I’ve expressed it to him before?

    Also a quick side not, I brought up to him a couple weeks ago how I really want to go on a date because we haven’t been on one is at least 3 months and I just feel like it’s important to keep a relationship new and growing. But he just kind of brushed it off and didn’t really say anything. Is that me expecting too much? Or is it me overthinking his actions?

    Is it toxic in the fact that instead of telling him all of this, I am instead posting it here for advice?

    Thank you if you read through this very long post that is a bit brain scattered, I very very much appreciate it.

    October 19, 2019 at 7:36 am #318695
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Ali,

    Long distance relationships are difficult. Don’t be surprised if you experience The Great Turkey Dump. Thanksgiving is the classic time when college students reevaluate their long distance relationships. My son went through this. He literally had no time for the girl and she was taking it personally.

    In the meantime, stop texting him altogether. Tell him that if he wants to reach you, he needs to give you intentional attention (no putting you on hold, stopping it short, etc.). In the meantime (for the rest of the month) casually let HIM contact YOU knowing those clear instructions. Don’t you contact him for a while. You’re teaching him how to treat you.

    And to answer your question, no, you’re not toxic!

    Best,

    Inky

    October 19, 2019 at 8:06 am #318701
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ali:

    When he puts you on hold without telling you, he is being rude to you. You told him, he said he understands but continues to disappear in the middle of conversations.

    If he indeed understands, then he… doesn’t care.

    You also told him you would like to have a date with him after more than 3 months of no dates (within an almost 9 months relationship, so a more of a third of the relationship was one with no dates), and “he just kind of brushed it off and didn’t really say anything”-

    – reads to me that he doesn’t care.

    “Is that me expecting too much?”- no. It is a minimal expectation to expect a person to  not disappear in the middle of a conversation, especially after you let him know that it bothers you.

    And it is a minimal expectation to have a date in three months of a nine month relationship.

    “Or is it me overthinking his actions?”- I suppose it is because it doesn’t take a lot of thinking to notice these basic facts that I just mentioned and conclude that he.. doesn’t really care (and that he is otherwise busy and unavailable to you).

    How does my post make you feel?

    anita

    October 19, 2019 at 9:38 am #318707
    Ali
    Participant

    Hello anita,

    he does respond eventually, albeit a lot of the time at least 5 or 7 hours later. He doesn’t leave me on hold until I text him again is what I mean. But he just carries on the conversation, sometimes saying “sorry”. Is that still kind of showing he doesn’t care even though he does respond eventually?

    I do see what you’re saying though, that he doesn’t care because of the whole date thing, and that does stick with me because to this, I really don’t see any way around that other than what you said. Maybe he does have his reasons, maybe he’s thinking that I should plan a date if I want one rather than just saying I want one and waiting for it to happen, which I feel like is normal?

    I do plan on talking to him again about everything, the communication and date situation, because assuming why he’s doing this is never good for any relationship. But how many times do you think is too many times to have to bring something up that bothers me, especially if that is just how he is by nature because he tells me it happens with his family and friends as well.

    Thank you for your response

    ali

    October 19, 2019 at 10:56 am #318713
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ali:

    “maybe he’s thinking that I should plan a date if I want one”- if he planned and executed two dates, it may be reasonable to expect you to plan the next one. But he didn’t plan a single date in three months!

    “he does respond eventually, albeit a lot of the time at least 5 or 7 hours later… sometimes saying ‘sorry’. Is that still kind of showing he doesn’t care..?-

    – it shows he cares very little, too little, not even close to enough.

    “how many times do you think is too many times to have to bring something up that bothers me”-

    – if you bring something that bothers you up to a person who cares- I’d bring it up once or twice, maybe three times. Problem is with a person who doesn’t care or who cares way too little- you can bring it up a hundred times but it will not make a difference.

    You can tell him that you are thinking about ending this unsatisfactory relationship with him because of the things you already complained to him about (no need to repeat these things because if he doesn’t remember he can ask you to repeat!), and say no more. It is a very short statement.

    If he cares, if he does, when you say the above (the italicized), he will initiate a talk. If he doesn’t initiate a talk, asking you questions, suggesting things, then you have your answer as to exactly how little he cares.

    anita

    October 19, 2019 at 11:45 am #318717
    Ali
    Participant

    anita,

    thank you for your response and advice. I will bring up to him what you suggested and see what happens from there.

    thank you very much

    ali

    October 19, 2019 at 11:52 am #318721
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ali:

    You are very welcome. You are welcome to post again with his responses and I will be glad to give you my input on those.

    (I will be back to the computer I about 6 hours from now).

    anita

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