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My Anxieties or Real Changes?

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  • October 3, 2019 at 11:21 am #315831
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Missyrap:

    Reads to me that all along he is not all the way in, in the relationship, that is. That he is conflicted and sometimes he doesn’t want to be with you. Nothing personal, I think. He gets overwhelmed when spending too much time together, gets anxious/ angry and wants time alone.

    When he told you yesterday, “maybe, maybe not”, regarding spending time with you today, seems to me that he is communicating to you something like: don’t expect me to be with you tomorrow just because I am with you today. He wants an exit, feels more comfortable with an exit available for him at all times.

    If you expect him the next day, he feels pressured or uncomfortable.

    Problem is you need consistency and consistency distresses him.

    How about couple therapy for the two  of you?

    anita

    October 3, 2019 at 11:49 am #315849
    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Missyrap,

    It sounds to me as if you don’t really have any boundaries around seeing each other and perhaps you should establish some.  It all sounds a bit loose and vague.  It might be good to have, say, evening meals together a couple of times a week and some time together over the weekend when he isn’t working.  You need to deal with your insecurities as coming over as ‘needy’ is not appealing in the long term.  Your boyfriend probably has his own issues which he needs to deal with separately.

    I would be a little worried if you haven’t told each other how you feel when, suddenly, you might be buying a house together.  I think your relationship needs to be on a much firmer footing before you proceed with this.

    The mixed messages from your boyfriend are enough to confuse anyone.  He wants to spend time alone at his place but you can go over if you want to or, if he changes his mind, he will come over to you.  Please!  It’s one or the other not both.

    I hope you can work this out.

    Peggy

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