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  • September 27, 2019 at 11:22 pm #314799
    Tnaer123
    Participant

    Okay here we go, ive been married to my wife for 8 years now and i am employed with the armed forces, i foynd out about a year ago now that my wife was sleeping with another man while i was away on jobs or on deployment pretty much anytime i was away for more than a day. I caught her because i thought she was acting wierd so i hacked into her facebook account and found messages to her friend saying about it. Originally she told me it had happened once it was a mistake and all this rubbish however as i pryed deeper and deeper into messages on her phone which i again had to hack because she had deleted them that this had been on and off for 3 years without me knowing and the last message was him saying to get lost basically. So a year on im still stuggling with getting over it, i went thro suicidal thoughts and taking antidepressants to get over it. We are still together but i feel second best now like if he had still wanted to see her i reckon they would be together now she denies this but i still dont believe her. I dont know how to deal with this i even slept with a friend of mine in a moment of weakness thinking it would help and sometimes it does because now shes done it and i have to but i still feel second best im so miserable all the time just want to be happy again she has so fucked my head up and even now i still dont know what im doing hiw can i feel happy again any ideas

    September 28, 2019 at 1:27 am #314815
    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Tnaer123,

    Because of what has happened trust is no longer a part of your relationship.  This is not about you being second best, this is about your wife’s betrayal.  You could go to marriage counselling with your wife so that you can explore the way forward and decide whether or not you have a future with your wife or you could end your marriage now.  If you want to stay together then you have to let this affair go and find ways of addressing the issues which were in your marriage before the affair began.  This requires honest communication and a willingness to accept that being married to the ‘forces’ creates fear, loneliness, loss of support etc.

    Feeling ‘second best’ is your ego talking.  Is that helpful to the survival of your marriage?  The other guy is out of her life, you are not.  Reclaim your power!

    Peggy

    September 28, 2019 at 9:42 am #314845
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tnaer123:

    She cheated on you many times over the course of years, never telling you about it. She was able to be with you and with another man month after month, year after year, not feeling enough guilt to either stop or to break down at any one time while  with you and say something like: I am so  sorry, I’ve been cheating on you, so sorry.

    This kind of cheating is way more than a single cheating-event.

    If I was you, I would separate from her and divorce her as soon as possible.

    anita

    October 3, 2019 at 5:52 am #315663
    Joanna Lynne
    Participant

    Hello and Happy Day,

    I’m sorry you are experiencing this. I know you can come out on the other side of this experience a stronger version of yourself.

    I’ve recently been through the heartbreak of betrayal. I know there’s nothing like the pain and confusion of it. I can’t tell you what you “should” or “shouldn’t” do. Only your heart can direct the steps you take towards your own healing.  I can share with you what helped and worked for me in my recovery.  First, I sought professional help.   I was aware I was in need of emotional tools I did not possess to get me through.  Second, I watched videos on YouTube from “affairrecovery.com”  those videos helped me make sense of everything I was feeling.  It’s been almost a year for me.  I am stronger, calmer and have realized how much “I matter”   I wish you well.  Joanna Lynne

     

     

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