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We broke up because I wanted kids and he doesn't

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • September 2, 2019 at 11:38 am #310035
    Laden
    Participant

    I feel sad because I feel like I met the perfect person for me but there was one thing we did not agree on- kids. When we met on a dating app, he told me he didn’t want kids and I told him I had always imagined my life with kids. I am 23 and he is 25. We decided to be together after many attempts at trying to stop talking (because of the kids issue). We dated for 6 months and we became best friends. Neither of us wanted to break up but we felt we had to because we wanted different things in the future. It is very hard for both of us as we both said we could see a future together if it weren’t for our opposing views on kids. We have now decided to stop communicating, to help us get over each other. It is very tough because we both love each other.  If anyone has been through something similar or can offer some advice for me to get through this, I would really appreciate it. Thank you

    September 2, 2019 at 12:34 pm #310037
    Valora
    Participant

    Yeah, that’s a pretty huge dealbreaker.  I think the only thing you can really do is give yourself time. You’re going to have to let yourself grieve the breakup, and it’s going to hurt for a while. The grief will probably come in waves, but, over time, you will feel better.  In the meantime, let yourself feel sad, cry when you need to, and pick up some fun hobbies to help yourself feel better. It’s a really good idea to stop communicating in order to let yourselves detach from each other. That’ll help you get over thing more quickly.

    September 2, 2019 at 1:52 pm #310041
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Laden:

    Having read your current and previous thread regarding this man, the two of you met through a dating app in March or April this year and he was clear with you from the very beginning that he is not interested in having children, not soon and not later. You were less clear but figured out soon enough that your position is clear: you do  want children later.

    “we both said we could see a future together if it weren’t for our opposing views on kids”- I have one comment on this, a possibility (not a certainty, of course)- because it was clear to him from the beginning that you differ in this regard, and because of his efforts to end the beginning relationship early on, it was easy for him to have an otherwise smooth, best friends type relationship because he knew it will end soon. When in a relationship one knows will end soon, no reason to be bothered by challenges that are irrelevant to a pre-determined short relationship, such as parental approval (significant element in your south-Asian culture), finances, and whatnot.

    I mention this just in case you become nostalgic about this short relationship, thinking that this man was the best match for you and no man can compare. This kind of nostalgia can hurt your view of future men and future relationships.

    I hope you feel better soon and hope you post again anytime you want  to.

    anita

     

    September 2, 2019 at 2:24 pm #310045
    Laden
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    You always respond to all of my posts and I appreciate your wise advice. Yes he did say to just enjoy the time we had left together when we almost fought close to the date we had agreed on to part ways. I am becoming very discouraged in dating and am losing interest in investing that much emotion, time and energy to different people. I’m not sure if it is just me choosing unsuitable men for myself or if I will just not find someone I will have a long term relationship with. My relationships don’t seem to surpass 6 months, either because I end things, they do or it is mutual. I want a partnership for life but I often doubt whether there is something wrong with me or if it has something to do with growing up with an alcoholic father and parents that fought a lot. I find it embarrassing when most of my friends are in 3 years+ relationships and I’m not. It really makes me believe there is something wrong with me

    September 2, 2019 at 2:26 pm #310047
    Laden
    Participant

    Thank you Valora for your kind words. I have been going to the gym more and eating healthy as of lately so I plan to focus more time and energy on that and feel better about myself.

    September 2, 2019 at 2:43 pm #310049
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Laden:

    Thank you for your appreciation.

    “I often doubt whether there is something wrong with me”- I didn’t detect anything wrong with you. Dating is frustrating because .. most people are emotionally unhealthy, including most of your friends with or without the “3+ years relationships”. It is very difficult to find a suitable man for a relationship and marriage. The good news is that you need only one man out of the millions out there. So there has to be one who will be suitable.

    I understand that you have some difficulties because your parents fought a lot, that is always damaging to a child. And I bet the suitable man for you will also carry with him damage from childhood, but the two of you can work together like a team, an effective team, and with hard work and perseverance you can build a beautiful relationship.

    It takes time and a wise strategy to find a suitable man and then make it a healthy, loving relationship of trust and mutual respect and kindness. Such a wise strategy has to start with getting to know a man very well before becoming physically involved with him and before investing a lot emotionally. Get to know him first, then figure if investing in each other, is a good idea.

    Clearly, this man and the one before him (your first thread) were not suitable men for you.

    anita

    September 2, 2019 at 4:59 pm #310061
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Oh, Laden. I felt it was a sign to write to you this lovely night. I was just reading about another person online who is going through a similar situation as you with a divorce. Falling in love is a magical ride to go on. However, it comes with tons of turbulence, anxiety-ridden fears, and anything gut dropping involving the unknown. I don’t say this to intimidate you, I say this to not beat around the bush.

    View your singlehood as a blessing. I know being single in this society can make you seem as if you’re an outsider. I’m with Anita, though. There is nothing wrong with you. I can tell you have a compassionate heart and that you love with every fiber of your being. But to give that to another person, all of that compassion and zeal for life has to be aimed at yourself. In a world where doubting yourself profits love industries, liking and of course, loving, yourself is a truly rebellious act. The gym life sounds impressive. You won’t just be healthier physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. If you do end up falling in love again, it should be someone who has the same goal as you in wanting to raise a family.

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