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marriage and solitude

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  • August 28, 2019 at 5:43 am #309511
    Udhara
    Participant

    I am not having a promiscuous lifestyle . Never had alcohol or other addictions, non-partying type ( except I have been taking prescribed medicine for depression)

     

    i prefer being in solitude more often than with company .I am a 30 year old man.  I never had a relationship and I don’t know whether having one has any benefits.

    I love my parents a lot, I feel my in-actions will cause them suffering…from where I am from arranged marriage is still an option. And my parents introduced me to a possible mate, but I did not feel anything for her,…longer i wait they tell me, my chances of finding a life partner will diminish further

     

    I don’t know whether it’s pride or foolishness I push  away people who come to comfort me.

    My parents say ” you need someone to fall back to and support you, you cannot live in solitude, once we expire you’d be all alone”…I am so confused..

    August 28, 2019 at 7:38 am #309531
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Udhara:

    What happened in your childhood that caused you to be depressed for so long, to prefer solitude over company?

    anita

    August 28, 2019 at 8:33 am #309545
    Peggy
    Participant

    Hello Udhara,

    Does having a relationship have any benefits?  You are having a relationship with your mother and father – does that bring you benefits?  You say that you love your parents a lot – love should be at the center of any relationship that you enter into.

    If you are happy being in your own company, that’s fine but it seems to me that your depression is causing you to withdraw from life.  Medication only masks the problem, it does not bring about change.  Have you had any form of counselling to find out where your depression came from.  Depression is the opposite of expression.  It’s usually caused by anger or feelings of loss that you haven’t been able to release.

    You are still a relatively young man.  Your parents are worrying about a time when they may not be around to care for you.  How long into the future might that be?  There is absolutely no point in worrying about what will happen in the future.  Do you have any other family?  Do you have any friends?  Do you have hobbies?  What kind of comfort do people offer when you push them away?

    Regardless of your age, there will always be the opportunity to meet someone and develop a special relationship – perhaps not the kind your mother and father want for you, but you are the one that you have to please.  Does that make sense to you?

    Peggy

     

    August 29, 2019 at 4:07 am #309583
    Udhara
    Participant

    thank you for your perspectives, i will consider reflecting on  that…

    I find company annoying, it is disturbing me when I want to be left alone. Maybe because I wanted to win the attention of toxic people in the past, some how I feel I have turned into a toxic and bitter person. i had some embarrassing encounters and some have ill treated me. i don’t think i can shake it off, instincts tell me i always end up being used,  My mind goes to great lengths to tell myself it’s all just a lie, nobody would like me and ones who do have interest in me are there to use me for their selfish agendas.

    i have good friends who are helping me to be better person, maybe it’s just me who wants to wallow in my self pity and sadness.

     

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Udhara.
    August 29, 2019 at 5:10 am #309589
    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Udhara,

    Thank you for your reply.  Would it help you to know that we all have uncomfortable encounters, get disrespected and even used in some way.  I think you need to work on your self esteem – the way you see yourself.  It is so much easier than you might think.  You list all the good characteristics that you possess and you repeat them over and over again, not just in your head, but take them deep down into your stomach.

    “My mind goes to great lengths to tell myself it’s all just a lie, nobody would like me and ones who do have interest in me are there to use me for their selfish agendas.”  This kind of dialogue will keep you stuck in your depression.  What if you were to tell yourself that you are likable and that you choose to give as much as you want to?  How do you think that might affect your health and well being?

    If you really “want to wallow in self pity and sadness” then no-one can help you.  If you want to have a happier, more fulfilling life then you need to give up whatever it is that’s preventing this from happening.  It sounds simple, doesn’t it?

    I hope, for your own sake, that you choose the latter.

    Peggy

     

    August 29, 2019 at 6:28 am #309599
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Udhara:

    What you shared: you are a 30 year old man, never had a relationship with a woman. You were or are on anti-depressants. You don’t drink alcohol or party. Your parents want to arrange a marriage for you, worrying that you will live alone after they are no longer alive. You prefer solitude to company, and you figure it may be because you were mistreated by “toxic people in the past” whom attention you wanted to win, and as a result you have become “a toxic and bitter person”.

    Those toxic people ill treated you, used you or tried to use you and the encounters with them were embarrassing to you. “instincts tell me I always end up being used… it’s all just a lie, nobody would like me and ones who do have interest in me are there to use me for their selfish agendas”.

    My thoughts this morning: clearly, you need to make sure, if you do choose to meet women for the purpose of marriage, that you get to know the woman first, so to make sure that she really likes you and does not have a selfish agenda, that she is honest and kind to you because that is her nature.

    Regarding the embarrassing encounters you had with people who did have selfish agendas- you were very hurt by those encounters, humiliated because you reached out to them, wanted their acceptance, but instead you got rejection and ill intent. It hurt so much that you don’t want that to happen again.

    Again, you will have to make sure, as you meet new people, to get to know their nature first, before sharing much about yourself, and before getting emotionally invested in them.

    It is also needed that you talk about what happened in those embarrassing encounters, maybe even write about it here (you are anonymous here, that may help), not so “to wallow in ..self pity and sadness”, but to heal from self pity and sadness.

    If you adequately express your painful emotions, you will experience less of them. Experiencing less of them, you will be able to live a better life in good company.

    anita

     

    August 29, 2019 at 8:25 pm #309715
    Udhara
    Participant

    Thank you all…i will take note of your suggestions.

    Thank you again for the support

    August 30, 2019 at 5:43 am #309735
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Udhara. Post again anytime, if you want to.

    anita

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