Thank you Anita. This was the part about the sexual abuse.  The physical, emotional and psychological abuse and neglect are another novel or three that I  can’t yet bring myself to write.  I have a lot of anger and know that anger has frequently been turned on myself.  I know this brokenness is also a source of strength.  I just wish I knew how to fully break free of the intense shame childhood abuse brings with it.  I’m learning to live with and love those wounded parts of me, that on its own is a huge accomplishment. Thanks again for reading and for your kind words of support.

Hi Anita and Inky, Thanks so much for listening and being here.

I am in the outing phase, I left my mother a general voicemail message with a statement about my need for her to own her abuse before she dies.  Wrote, sent, then withdrew my letter to the State Board re MFT licenses. Wanting to give her a chance to fix this.  My father – beyond repair as he is still an addict.  The message was left to her three days ago – no response thus far.  And yes, no contact is where I have been with both of them for a long time.

I have also been struggling to deal with the mirror image of her, ex boyfriend who masturbated in bed with his 12 year old daughter, ran away with hard drives, porn addicted man who also assaulted me many times and raped me.  I am about to out him to authorities as well but struggle with knowing that the ex-wife, who knows about his deviant behavior has indicated ‘that she is handling it’. The problem is that I saw what was on those hard drives, and at least one image was highly suspect and that he told me about the pleasuring himself while she was sleeping, 3 times (this, after I had tentatively told him the trauma of my mother laying next to me while we watched TV, and he told me about his masturbating next to his sleeping daughter. I’m getting help through Adult Survivors of Child Abuse, therapist, sisters, friends, psychiatrist, as well.  Its all just so triggering. Its me trying to get me back. And you are right – it all comes down to the body.  My poor brain was damaged as a child through 7 skull fractures (only one accounted for from a fall), as well as from the ongoing trauma I witnessed.  The Body Keeps the Score is a book that describes well the brain changes just trauma can entail.

Needless to say, all of this makes me incredibly angry that someone could cause so much damage to my little girl, that she learned not  to protect herself.  The verbal, psychological and other physical violence I have experienced since childhood have had a tremendous toll on me.  C-ptsd is like having a latent stroke, suddenly everything is a challenge and I feel like I’m relearning how to be me again, while simultaneously trying to the right thing for the little girl left with my ex, my little girl, those barely-if that legal girls I saw being brutalized on his computer.  I’m in panic attack mode and doing IFS self-therapy to try and get through them.

I have intense shame knowing no one thought I was worthy of a champion. I feel shame for not going to the police for all the times I as an adult was abused.  Everybody got away with it and I just shake my head in confusion and disbelief that my story is real and I did nothing and everybody else did nothing too.

Anita, I hope what I’m saying isn’t triggering you and very sorry that you experienced such painful wounding as a child. And Inky, I will check out Apology too – I need all the help I can get.

Thanks and hugs to you both.

Sammy