In a situation about leaving my fiancée

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This topic has 15 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 3 months ago by Mark.

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August 14, 2019 at 2:29 pm #307921
Valentina
Participant
Ok so today me and my fiancée had a argument just because my mom called me so that I can visit her. He knows that I use to text another man that I never even hanged out with and he lives close to my moms house. Well when I told my fiancé I have the free will to visit my mother he threw me on the bed and started to choke me. I couldn’t believe the eyes he had while he was looking at me telling me it’s not my choice. Currently right now my neck hurts and my lips are purple. He threaten that if I call the police I will lose everything and my child will lose a father. I never posted on here about my fiancé’s abusive side but my fiancé has hit me before but today was the most serious he’s done. My fiancé is bipolar and he got home with a bad mood already. I just don’t know if I should really do something about this. I also tried chatting with the national abuse hotline and they advise me to go to a shelter and I just can’t picture myself doing that or my child not having his father in the picture. I can’t go to my moms because she has told me it’s not her problem.
- This topic was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Valentina.
- This topic was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Valentina.
August 14, 2019 at 3:48 pm #307937

Mark
Participant

Valentina,

Your child is being taught that it is OK for a man to be abusive towards women. If it is a male then he will likely to grow up to do the same with women in his life. If it is a female then she will likely to be attracted to abusive men and feel it is her fault that her mate is violent toward her.

Picture that and follow the wise and experienced advice of the Hotline.

Mark

August 14, 2019 at 3:58 pm #307939

Valentina
Participant

Thank you mark, I continued to chat with them and they gave me resources I can contact. I have been dealing with this for 7 years and it’s not an easy decision.

August 14, 2019 at 4:14 pm #307941

Mark
Participant

Valentina,

I understand it is not an easy decision. I have read that most women stay in an abusive situation until they see their child/ren threatened or abused by their abuser then that is the final trigger to make them take action. Please don’t wait for that to happen and even he may never do that, there is what you are doing not only to yourself but to your child.

The behavioral responses of children who witness domestic violence may include acting out, withdrawal, or anxiousness to please. The children may exhibit signs of anxiety and have a short attention span which may result in poor school performance and attendance. They may experience developmental delays in speech, motor or cognitive skills. They may also use violence to express themselves displaying increased aggression with peers or mother. They can become self-injuring.

Children from violent homes have higher risks of alcohol/drug abuse, post traumatic stress disorder, and juvenile delinquency. Witnessing domestic violence is the single best predictor of juvenile delinquency and adult criminality. It is also the number one reason children run away.

Recent childhood trauma studies demonstrate how observing violence has a lasting negative impact on a child’s brain development. Each year, nearly 60% of youth are exposed to violence in their homes, schools, and communities. Over time, exposure to violence during childhood is significantly correlated with negative outcomes; childhood trauma symptoms in adults can appear as psychological issues, adverse behavior, and serious illnesses.

Mark

August 14, 2019 at 4:55 pm #307949

Valentina
Participant

Thank you Mark for all the information you have provided I honestly didn’t know that being in an abusive relationship can really take a bad effect on a child this is good for me to know because that way I can take the time to really think about this for my child’s health.

August 14, 2019 at 8:15 pm #308049

Mark
Participant

Valentina,

You have been in this for 7 years. For your child’s sake, don’t take long to take action to protect your child.

The research and consequences are well known. What is there to think about?

Mark

August 14, 2019 at 8:17 pm #308051

Valentina
Participant

You are right mark. Thank you.

August 15, 2019 at 4:30 pm #308147

Chloe Rose
Participant

Make a safety plan with someone who is experienced in the field. Leaving is the most dangerous time for a person being abused. It sounds like you need to leave, but make sure you are doing it the safest way possible. Sending you love. I’m sure the hotline can refer you to local resources to get connected with.

August 17, 2019 at 7:38 pm #308401

Valentina
Participant

Chloe,

I have told him to leave my house and he respected that and left so far right now we are taking a break because idk whether I should ask him to get help for his bipolar issues but I’m afraid it will back fire if I ask him to get help. I have been on the hotline many times for the past years and I have been afraid to pick up the phone and call the locations the persons on the hotline have gave me to call. There’s nights where I wake up panicked looking at him. When he was younger he would take medication for his issue but I’m not sure if I should bring it up to him. I’ve told his mother and she said she was going to advise him to take action with his issue or else she will allow me and my child to stay with her in the state she lives in. (His mother and I are 11 hours away.)

August 18, 2019 at 7:22 am #308439

Mark
Participant

Valentina,

This is a grown man who is responsible for himself. If he does not take responsibility for his actions, I doubt he will listen to you about his bipolar/violent behavior.

Good for you for taking steps to protect yourself and your child. Change the locks. This is your house correct?

Mark

August 19, 2019 at 6:27 pm #308629
Valentina
Participant
Mark,

At the moment he doesn’t want to take medication for his bipolar disorder. He did say he will make an appointment with his dr to ask for natural alternatives to cope with his anger. I advised him to take some kind of class since there is classes available. We talked and he does not want to leave our relationship he wants to continue to be with me and for our child. Again I believe I had an “emotional affair” with another man because Of the way he has treated me.

Yes correct it’s my house. I haven’t changed the locks because he has respected the fact that I want space until he thinks through what he is going to do with his issue. I am still upset for how he treated me for the first two days after he choked me I wasn’t able to swallow any hard food just liquids. I also texted the other man and it feels as the other man has moved on. The other man asked me if I missed him and I said “yes I do” and he responded asking me why do I miss him and so does he. When I wanted to start a conversation about what’s new with his life he didn’t respond and I believe he’s moved on which is a good thing for him. But at the moment I am just confused about my love life! All I want is stability with my feelings.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Valentina.
August 19, 2019 at 11:57 pm #308661

Mark
Participant

Valentina,

It is tempting and easier to jump from an abusive relationship to someone else who seems kinder and “better.” I would advise to leave your love life with men and focus on your love life with yourself. I think you would be more stability by letting go of your relationships, your current one and the emotional one.

When I read how you could not swallow anything after your abuser choked you, that really highlighted how you need to break it off with him. Your emotional affair guy seems like a safe harbor and a comfort but my take is that you need space between men/relationships. You have not totally left the other guy and you need that time to learn to be on your own emotional two feet.

Make sense?
Mark

August 20, 2019 at 12:28 am #308663

Michelle
Participant

Valentina,

If you look at this from an outsider’s perspective, I think you too would be wondering just what it’s going to take for you to see the reality here.

You are in an abusive relationship and have been for a long time – putting up with way more damaging behaviour than anybody ever should. You have stayed because you believe it is beneficial for your child to have a father present – even though you can also accept that all the evidence points to the complete opposite. You continue to believe this guy can change despite again all evidence to the contrary. He has no reason to change and does not want to change. And then for some reason you start worrying more about your love life than your own safety and the safety of your child!!

I get you are probably scared of being alone, raising a child without a partner. A lot of people struggle to leave someone until their next safety net (aka relationship/strong possibility of one) is in place. I understand why you were driven to find that emotional connection with another man – but he is not your way out of this.

I get you have invested so much in this guy it is hard to give up on the hope he will change. Where do you really see this all ending though??

However much you may wish it was otherwise, the reality here is that he won’t change and the damage being done to yourself and your child by staying in the abusive situation is what is real. It is not ok. Even if you accept it for yourself can you really accept the responsibility of injury, both physical (future) and emotional (existing), to your child.

I understand that taking that final step and reaching out to the contacts you have been given is difficult. One way to think about it is it is actually the only thing that may get him to change – he will not do so by staying as you are. And then at least you know you have kept your child safe whilst you see how it turns out. If the contacts are too difficult for you – at the very least take up his Mum’s offer to stay with her so you are not alone in dealing with this.

The only way this is going to change is for you to take action. The sooner you do, the sooner it can get better, whichever way the relationship(s) work out.

Hoping you take care of both you and your child. Hugs.

August 25, 2019 at 8:57 pm #309311

Valentina
Participant

Mark,

It does makes sense. yes I have found that the only reason why I would talk to the other man was because he was kinder but I really don’t know if he’s kind in person if we would’ve went on a date. For the last few days I have really put in thought that it is best for me to focus on myself and my child instead of men. I do definitely need the space away from relationships.

August 25, 2019 at 9:04 pm #309315
Valentina
Participant
Michelle,

taking the steps whether to officially leave my fiancé has been difficult. I have considered staying with his mother but in reality I have a job to attend to and bills to pay so unfortunately I wouldn’t be able to take time off (weeks) to be with his mom for emotional support. I have been taking the time to really think about what I want in life. I appreciate your advice.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Valentina.
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